JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 September 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard, for the first time in Just A Minute we have four male contestants or male panellists playing the game. Four of our most experienced players, all have got together to vie against each other and see if they can all speak for Just A Minute without hesitation, without deviation, without repetition on some unlikely subject that I will suddenly throw at them. Peter Jones the subject for you to start the show with is malapropisms. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Now Richard Brinsley Sheridan, Member of Parliament and brilliant playwright of Trip To Scarborough, The Rivals, School for Scandal, The Critic. Perhaps the most famous character he created was Mrs Malaprop. A lady who mispronounced words and used them in the wrong context. An alligator on the shores of the Nile is a misquotation from one of the plays, ah...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was, a missssss. What were you searching for actually Peter?

PJ: Allegory on the bank!

NP: Yes an allegory on the bank! Thatís right. You actually gave what she should have said.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Ah so Clement Freud challenged, a correct challenge of hesitation. So Clement gains a point and the subject and there are 26 seconds left on malapropisms Clement starting now.

CF: It is very strange that many people have no idea what theyíre talking about who use words out of context and denote the wrong meaning phrases are considered to be using malapropisms. Like Kenneth Williams shaking his head up and down...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DEREK NIMMO: Well deviation, you canít shake your head up and down!

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: Be accused of committing a malapropism.

NP: Why? You shake your head either side to side, or up and down donít you?

DN: Itís not a malapropism, is it?

NP: I agree with you on that. No, I didnít know...

DN: Thatís what it was.

NP: Yes shaking his head up and down is not a malapropism. I quite agree Derek so I agree with your challenge, you take the subject over and there are eight seconds left starting now.

DN: Iím so envious of people, both in fiction and in reality who have turns of phrase named after them like Doctor Spooner and of course Mrs Malaprop who we already heard about. I also...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who know the game well will also know that when the whistle blows it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was on this occasion Derek Nimmo so he has a lead of one over everyone else at the end of that round. Derek would you begin the second round, what I shall never forget. Can you tell us about that in 60 seconds starting now.

DN: The what that I shall never forget of course is James Watt who was born in Scotland at the end of the 18th century and is famous really for his invention of a particular kind of steam engine. He moved down to Greenwich some little while later and there applied himself and most of his life in fact, to perfecting various kinds of instrumentation to be of lasting benefit to mankind. Of course, when you get your electricity account you also find that the watts on it are named after the said John. And this is a fellow that we have a lot to be grateful for. So when you pay the London Electricity Board so fervently...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of board. Electricity Board, he said.

NP: And I think the other time he was bored, B-O-R-E-D, wasnít he?

DN: I donít remember saying bored before at all.

PJ: I thought he said the Electricity Board twice.

NP: When you are bored, he said, paying the London Electricity Board.

PJ: I was thinking I was rather!

DN: Oh!

PJ: But er I thought he said Electricity Board twice. Or at least board to do with electricity, B-O-A-R-D.

NP: I thought he said B-O-R-E-D and B-O-A-R-D, so I disagree with the challenge, Derek keeps the subject, there are 21 seconds on what I shall never forget starting now.

DN: Bertie Watt of Epping Forest had a daughter called Ameila who was a distinguished oars lady who was seen with electricity which I repeated before, so...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of electricity.

NP: Yes you were very quick on your current then. Clement you have a point for a correct challenge with only five seconds to go on what I shall never forget starting now.

CF: What I shall never forget are the quarter days which fall four times in every year...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went. He gained some points but heís still one point below the leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh good! About time I had something to say!

NP: Talk to us for 60 seconds on my horoscope today starting now.

KW: Well it said ďyour lucky sandwich filling is salmon and shrimp. Your lucky stone is...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of lucky.

NP: Yes it might be...

KW: I only just got under way, you great nit! Youíve got to give people a chance to get their rhythms going! What about you? Youíve got to breathe in and out!

NP: An unlucky...

KW: Sistole and diastole with the natural action of the heart!

NP: It was an unlucky rhythm...

KW: Weíre all human beings, arenít we! Arenít we!

NP: Yes arenít we.

KW: Yes!

NP: It was an unlucky rhythm for you.

KW: Well I was going to tell you about my horoscope! Donít you want to hear?

NP: No! Itís been too lucky for you, two luckies is repetition and I have to agree with the challenge...

KW: I hadnít even come to Uranus, the planet! I mean...

NP: You might get back in again if you listen well.

KW: Well Iím not bothered now! Heís ruined me flow!

NP: Clement Freud you have 50 seconds on my horoscope today starting now.

CF: My horoscope today depends entirely on which newspaper I read. In The Daily Mail this morning...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, itís advertising!

NP: Well actually advertising is not necessarily deviation...

KW: On the contrary, itís contrary to the BBC charter!

NP: No...

KW: Not allowed, dear! Not allowed!

NP: You are permitted... I donít know what the charter actually says but they do permit you to use, there are so few national newspapers left, you are allowed to actually use their names, and every newspaper is...

KW: Oh, I stand corrected!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Youíre sitting corrected actually! Clement Freud you have a point and 45 seconds for my horoscope today starting now.

CF: And in the Daily Mirror it said today is a good day for...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Daily.

NP: Well done Peter!

KW: Ah good for you! No flies on him, eh! Ah good!

NP: Yes he tried to go in all the papers. So Peter you have the subject and a point of course, 43 seconds left, my horoscope today starting now.

PJ: My horoscope didnít forecast that I was going to be taking part in this panel game with Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud. Nor did it say that I was going to get wet on my way here to this palatial theatre. However there were indications in the small print at the bottom of the horoscope, I was actually born under the sign of Gemini, the twins. So consequently there is apt to be a slight split in the events which befall me during the course...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter you were speaking when the whistle went, you gain the extra point. And youíre now in a commanding third place ahead of Kenneth Williams. Derekís in second place now because Clement Freud has taken a lead one point ahead. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is my problem. Can you talk to us about...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the audience has a good idea of one of the problems he will talk about! The subject, my problem, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My problem is that every week I have to come to this theatre, and sit next to Kenneth Williams. Not only do I perch next to this kindly man on my right, but he sends a car for me, usually to run me down! A 15 cylinder hearse was the latest assault which this man practised on me. And then when Iím here he pretends to kiss me, puts his hand on my knee. And he makes other endearing noises for which people could get... terrible...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím glad you helped him out there, I was getting very embarrassed. The um, Derek Nimmo I agree with your challenge and you have the subject now with 18 seconds on my problem starting now.

DN: My problem is rather a curious one. I was once staying in the northernmost part of Yorkshire when I came upon a large mound of soil. And when I burrowed down into this dump, I found at the bottom a little silver coin. I polished it with my right finger, I spat on the obverse side with my spittle and then I found that the colours became quite green...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two founds. I found a coin at the bottom...

NP: Yes...

KW: ... and I found...

NP: ...and you found, and you very cleverly got in with only one second to go Kenneth...

KW: Oh what a nice idea! Yes!

NP: The subject...

KW: It had to come! Look who Iím sitting next to!

NP: My problem Kenneth, 60 seconds, no, one second starting now.

KW: My problem is being a genius!

WHISTLE

KW: Itís also my salvation!

NP: So Kenneth speaking as the whistle went gained...

KW: That means Iím in the lead! Right? That means Iíve gone into the lead! Come on! Out with it!

PJ: Stop hesitating there!

NP: You have, you have moved forward...

KW: Yes!

NP: ... with rapidity...

KW: Iíve moved, have I!

NP: Yes, into fourth place.

KW: Oh! Itís a shame! I seem to work my fingers to the bone and get nowhere!

NP: Ah but we all love the way you do it Kenneth.

KW: Thatís very sweet of you!

NP: No, youíre actually equal in third place with Peter Jones, and Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are equal in first place so itís a very interesting contest so far. Peter Jones, weíre back with you, your turn to begin, the subject, my hobby. Would you talk about my hobby for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: My hobby is difficult to talk about, because there are so many of them. Now I enjoy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Well the subject is singular. Heís revealed that he has many hobbies.

PJ: Well, your hobby may be singular! But mine is plural!

NP: My hobby is difficult because there are so many of them. You, are you challenging on what, Derek?

DN: Well deviation.

NP: On what?

DN: Well the subject is my hobby, not my hobbies.

NP: No, if you, er, challenge on deviation of grammar I would have given it, but he has to keep going and itís a rather colloquial...

DN: I see.

NP: ...if rather bad way...

DN: Oh I see.

NP: ...of putting it. So Iím going to leave it with Peter Jones who has a point for an incorrect challenge, 54 seconds on my hobby starting now.

PJ: If I just stuck to the phrase my hobby, then that would be untrue, because there are as i say so many of them...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition this time!

NP: Yes!

DN: So many of them.

NP: Repetition of that, all right. So Derek I agree with the challenge this time and you have 45 seconds on my hobby starting now.

DN: I was once going to a small island near Oban, and there I caught my hobby. Actually it was a tree, and I put a little trap on the tree, pulling the string and caught the bird...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of tree.

NP: Yes.

PJ: There was a small tree and I caught my tree.

DN: I quite agree. Absolutely right.

NP: And so Peter has the subject back and there are 37 seconds, my hobby, starting now.

PJ: And as I said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of as I said.

NP: Yes you did start last time with that Peter.

PJ: Oh did I? Oh yes, yes.

NP: Clement you have the subject of my hobby and there are 35 seconds starting now.

CF: My hobby is collecting horoscopes, whether they appear in the Times...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, itís completely untrue, itís not his hobby! Itís a lie! A blatant filthy lie! Heís deceiving these people unashamedly! Itís a disgrace! A scandal!

NP: Oh quiet! You spoil your own case! Because I am prepared to believe that collecting horoscopes is not his hobby. You have a point Kenneth Williams, and I give the benefit of the doubt to you...

KW: Thank you!

NP: Thirty-one seconds, my hobby, starting now.

KW: And this gypsy said to me ďyour hobby will always be the study of letteringĒ. And true enough, I did cross water. I was standing, in actual fact, over a puddle. But I thought that she meant the Channel. Well when I landed in France, imagine my consternation when faced with this man in a beret who said...

BUZZ

KW: .... ďyouíre a true BasqueĒ, I know a Basque when I see one...

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

KW: Good gracious me! Itís a disgrace, isnít it!

DN: Yes, heís not talking about his hobby, is he? Heís talking about his travels at the moment.

NP: Yes.

KW: I thought the subject was my horoscope!

DN: No, no, no! (laughs)

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You can see that if you keep going well with sufficient feeling, you can even hoodwink these experienced players of the game. Ah Derek out of his own mouth he committed himself, you have 14 seconds on my hobby starting now.

DN: This particular kind of brown bird I found very useful for catching swallows and other small creatures of the same variety. When I... purchased...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree with that Clement, you have four seconds on my hobby starting now.

CF: Stamps...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation!

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Very slow starting, I thought! Very sluggish starter!

NP: Well all I can say is that you were thinking very quickly Peter because no, I must be fair, it was a very good attempt and the audience enjoyed it but he didnít really hesitate. So what will happen is that he gets another point and three seconds on my hobby starting now.

CF: I have an album into which I stick them...

WHISTLE

NP: In spite of the fact that I somewhat favoured Kenneth Williams when he challenged Clement Freud, he really has got a very definite lead at the end of that round over everybody else, because he came up at the end with a bang in the last two or three seconds. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is girls. Can you talk to us about them for... the girls in the audience are laughing! Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: Girls are something which are singularly licking... oh!

BUZZ

DN: Licking?

NP: Clement Freud got in first.

CF: Ah deviation from...

NP: Why?

CF: ... etymology...

KW: And deviation!

DN: It canít be deviation!

NP: No!

CF: Girls canít be licking!

NP: Oh yes, I know many girls...

KW: Not singularly licking anyway! I mean if you...

DN: One tongue at a time, you know!

KW: Have you ever heard of a singular lick? A singular lick!

NP: Yes yes, I thought you were going to have him for hesitation which he did. No, I see, one girl can lick, but not one girl can licking. Fifty-six seconds on girls Clement starting now.

CF: Girls are the opposite sex from boys and this can be readily ascertained by the lack of prominence of an Adamís apple, a certain protrusion beneath their shoulders, and a tendency to have longer hair, although...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said a certain protrusion. Now... if weíre always arguing about whether itís singular or plural... well he should have said protrusions!

NP: I think you have a very good point there Peter!

CF: Two good points!

NP: Two, yes! Having made two good points, you get one well deserved point and you have 43 seconds on girls starting now.

PJ: When I think of girls, I recall the enormous amount of advice that I have been given regarding them in my lifetime. When I was a very young man, I remember my father...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of remember.

NP: Yes alas, you were remembering too much Peter. Thirty seconds with you Clement on girls starting now.

CF: Sometimes in a dance hall, one sees a vast quantity of girls all standing up against the wall, trying to look ravishing. And the idea is to pick out one girl of that number to make into your wife...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of number.

KW: Yes, sometimes you see a great number of girls.

NP: Yes.

KW: The one, you pick out the number, yes.

CF: Yes, quite right. Yes.

NP: Peter Jones you have six seconds on girls starting now.

PJ: If sheís plain, give her a hat. If sheís pretty, give her a book, she told me, and this...

WHISTLE

NP: And in spite of two gives, Peter managed to speak when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. Heís now equal in second place alongside Derek Nimmo. Theyíre both trailing a little behind Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams is trailing a little behind everyone. And Kenneth Williams, itís your turn to begin and the subject is Julius Caesar. Sixty seconds on Julius Caesar starting now.

KW: Well of course he is remembered by the immortalisation, so to speak, in drama by Shakespeare in the great play of the same name. And he was stabbed by, they say, Pompeiiís statue. And the fatal blow...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?

DN: How can he be stabbed by an inanimate object? Deviation, he was stabbed by Pompeiiís statue.

KW: Oh! Well it means...

NP: He was stabbed by other people, but I do think...

PJ: Well he might be stabbed by a public convenience, but it doesnít mean that he was actually stabbed by it! It would mean that he was by it when he was stabbed!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I waited for you to say if that was what you meant or not!

KW: Well I darenít defend myself with that Nimmo, because heís so erudite! You see!

NP: But actually you didnít defend yourself when Derek accused you...

KW: No, but gallantly and wonderfully Peter leapt to my defence! And I will always be grateful for that! I know a true gent when I see one!

NP: You have 43 seconds on Julius Caesar starting now.

KW: Of his wife, it was always said she should be above suspicion. And Deborah Kerr once laughingly remarked...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged again.

DN: Deviation because he had three wives. Which one is he talking about? He said his wife.

KW: Everyone knows itís only Calpernia, what are you on about?

DN: Well he had two others!

KW: Iím talking about the play by William Shakespeare!

NP: But also it was well-known in the history books that Caesarís wife was above suspicion so...

KW: Yes of course! Heís just trying to pick holes! I know what youíre after! I know! I know! Iím not going to take that lying down! Iím not going to take that lying down!

NP: All right...

KW: Donít worry yourself!

NP: Youíve got your jacket off now! Kenneth youíve got your jacket off now, you keep the subject, there are 35 seconds...

DN: If I may say, he divorced her because she was not beyond suspicion.

NP: But that phrase is from the history books and we all know itís about Caesarís wife. And he was still sticking to the subject if Julius Caesar, he hasnít deviated from the subject on the card, Julius Caesar, Kenneth Williams you have 33 seconds starting now.

KW: And when the fatal blow was delivered, he cried out ďInfamy! Theyíve all got it in for me!Ē

BUZZ

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Itís true! Whatís the timing gone now?

NP: Whatís your challenge Clement?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Infamy!

KW: No, as he said last time on this very show, it is the sound that matters!

CF: They sound exactly...

KW: Infamy! As opposed to in for me!

NP: Kenneth, donít say that because otherwise you agree with Clement Freud!

KW: Oh Iíve put me foot in it again! Oh I ought to be gagged!

NP: Clement, Kenneth I do believe that you were saying infamy, in for me.

KW: Thatís right, thatís right.

NP: Thatís what you were saying.

KW: Thatís what I meant. Yes.

NP: Yes thatís what you meant, so you have a point...

KW: Thank you!

NP: And you have 25 seconds on Julius Caesar starting now.

KW: And of course he was defeated, as you know, by Brutus. Well now later on he got in with this Octavius who defeated Antony and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of defeated.

NP: Yes there were two definite defeateds. There are 14 seconds now for Peter Jones on Julius Caesar starting now.

PJ: Why man he doth bestride the narrow world like a colossus. And we petty men walk under his huge legs...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Because youíre supposed to talk for 60 seconds without hesitation, deviation or repetition, not recite poetry! And thatís what heís doing, heís reciting poetry!

NP: Well if you recite poetry without repetition...

KW: Oh well itís all right for me to do it because I do it so beautifully, but I donít like the way he does it! Donít shout... if you shout...

NP: Kenneth I disagree with the challenge, Peter has a point and he keeps the subject of Julius Caesar for seven seconds starting now.

PJ: Walk under his huge legs...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

DN: Legs.

KW: Yes! Thatís true!

NP: There were two lots of legs!

KW: Thatís true! He did say legs! Didnít he! Yes!

NP: Youíre so happy when other people get a point as well...

CF: Why man he doth bestride the narrow world... he never said legs!

PJ: No, I havenít said legs before.

NP: No, Derek was trying very hard. Peter Jones, you have a point and five seconds on Julius Caesar starting now.

PJ: And peep about to find ourselves dishonourable graves. Men sometimes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Julius Caesar brought Peter up from second place into first place alongside Clement Freud at the end of that round. Theyíre both now in the lead with 11 points, Derek Nimmo has seven, Kenneth has six. And thereís still a great deal to play for as Clement Freud starts the next round with eyewash. Can you talk for 60 seconds on eyewash starting now.

CF: Every morning at about eight oíclock, Iím brought a cup of tea after which I wash. I do this very carefully in the bathroom beginning with such hair as I have left, and going past my face, my shoulders, at which point I jump into the bath. And there I have a duck...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís not washing now, heís taking a bath. Heís gone into the bath.

NP: Well you surely have a wash in the bath.

DN: No you have a bath in the bath and you have a wash in the...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh that is an impossible situation which to judge, isnít it. I mean a lot of people say they wash in the bath. Um Clement you have 42 seconds on eyewash starting now.

CF: On Mondays I do the family wash. Knickers, pantaloons, dressing gowns, night shirts, jerseys, pullovers and the usual...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, I donít believe it, itís a load of eyewash!

NP: All right, we didnít believe him about his hobby of horoscopes, we give Derek a point for a very good challenge, leave the subject with Clement Freud, eyewash, 30 seconds starting now.

CF: Eyewash is often thought to be like hogwash, only further up the body...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Itís not thought to be anything of the kind, therefore itís deviation.

NP: What is?

KW: What he said itís thought to be!

NP: Kenneth you have a point and 24 seconds on eyewash starting now.

KW: Now this is the process by which you draw a sort of measure of mystique over the content of what would otherwise be described as a truthful narrative of a subject. Now if you go all round the mulberry bush and convince somebody else that you have a professional knowledge you do not possess, you can be rightly spoken of as saying you have joy in the eyeball...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was a very interesting result because it wavered back and forth. We donít have any more time so let me give you the final score. Derek Nimmo after starting in the lead finished in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams who leapt forward into third place. Peter Jones slipped back into second place to leave Clement Freud once again the winner of Just A Minute! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.