JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 January 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard from our announcer Sheila Tracey this week on our show we have our four regular panelists, our four male chauvinistic panelists. And theyíre going to try and compete as usual against each other without hesittaion, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which I will give them, trying to talk for Just A Minute. So who better of course than Kenneth? A lovely subject to set off...

BUZZ

NP: And youíve challenged already Clement Freud, why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Well I was going to suggest I was better than Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones is better than Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo I thought was better than Kenneth Williams....

NP: And Kenneth Williams also thinks he is! So I think weíll still start with Kenneth Williams. So Kenneth the subject is bath night. So I know youíre very keen on cleaning your own windows. And will you tell us something what happens on bath night in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I did arrive actually in Bath at night and it was raining. And the motorcar deposited me outside this hotel. I was shown into a bedroom which I can only describe as a complete shambles! And I rang down to the manager. He said "what is it?" I said "Look at that bed! Disgraceful! A womanís nightdress!" He said "Thereís nothing in that." I said, "no, thatís the trouble!" And I noticed of course Georgian elegant architecture and this brown tinted stone for which the city is famous. And Iím told some baths which contain mineral nutrients. You lay in them apparently and get all...

BUZZ

KW: What happened?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement what is your challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Iím afraid they were closed just the other day.

NP: Yes but he was talking about when he went to Bath, wasnít he? It was Bath night.

KW: Yes! Thatís right Nicholas! Thatís a very good point! You see? Yes!

NP: He wasnít referring to the fact that it was now! He said he was there...

KW: Thatís right! I was there...

NP: Oh shut up! Iím supporting you Kenneth!

KW: Yes! Very good point you made!

NP: Well of course you would agree if Iím speaking in your favour! So Kenneth I disagree with the challenge. You get a point for that. You keep the subject and there are 17 seconds left, bath night, starting now.

KW: The other thing I noticed in Bath on that night...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of noticed.

NP: Yes you noticed something else before.

KW: Well I was going to say something quite interesting! Now youíve just ruined it! Well weíll just see how interesting you are on baths!

NP: Well all right! Weíll find out! Derek Nimmo has a correct challenge, a point for that, and 15 seconds starting now.

DN: I generally run about four and a half inches of water into my bath. And then I climb in with my little rubber duck which I play with all the time whilst Iím abluting. I have some rather nice pretty pink soap in the shape of Donald Duck which I rub my...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of duck.

NP: Yes.

DN: I had one at the beginning, I wanted to say Mickey Mouse, it would have been much easier!

NP: Clement thatís a correct challenge and youíve got in with one and a half seconds to go on the subject of bath night starting now.

CF: Tuesday or Wednesday.

WHISTLE

NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was Clement Freud and um, heís in the lead. But he didnít get a point before Ian?

IAN MESSITER: He got one for scoring and he got one for...

NP: Oh of course yes! So heís got two points at the end of that round and heís in the lead. Derek Nimmo, will you begin the next round. The subject is squash. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Squash is a rather nice little vegetable. Rather like a marrow I suppose. That one sometimes eats in Africa and other countries. And you put it on the plate and if you hollow the inside and jolly nice it is particularly if youíre drinking with orange squash, the drink of cordial which I often consume...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: You drink it with, which is a drink, two drinks.

NP: Two drinks, Iím sorry. So Kenneth... Kenneth restrain yourself a little please! The audience are already with you! And you have 45 seconds, you have the subject of squash, starting now.

KW: I heard about this quite recently from a young boy who said that his school had allowed them to go and play squash. And he showed me the various marks on his pants...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a hesitation there. Peter nice to hear from you...

PJ: Thank you very much.

KW: I donít think itís nice to hear from him! Should shut his great mouth!

PJ: I was very disappointed I wasnít able to say something about bath night!

KW: Youíve done the same to me! Youíve taken advantage!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: I could tell you what goes on behind the curtains!

NP: Weíll get back to Just A Minute, the subject is squash and Peter Jones you have it. And there are 36 seconds left starting now.

PJ: You can make a very good squash if you get a few lemons or oranges or other citrus fruit. Cut them up into smallish pieces and pour boiling water over them with some added sugar. If you leave these to cool on steep. Put them in the refrigerator. They get really very cold indeed. There is nothing more refreshing than this particular type of squash on a lovely summerís day as we enjoyed this past year! And there is another type of squash which can be made by crystals. You add these to other liquids...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition, repetition of add.

NP: Yes! What a pity because...

PJ: A three letter word!

NP: But a very positive one. And again someoneís got in with one and a half seconds to go. It was Derek Nimmo, he has the subject of squash, a correct challenge and one and a half seconds starting now.

DN: I climbed on the Underground and a most frightful squash it was!

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, Derek Nimmo got that point for speaking as the whistle went and heís now in the lead. Clement Freud will you begin the next round and the subject is profits. Can you...

CF: What?

NP: Profits. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Profits I suppose basically is what happens if you purchase something at a lower price for that at which you sell it. And the ensuing money which you may keep in your pocket, a bank, a purse, or wherever is known as profit. Government unfortunately seems to feel that profit is a dirty word. As a result of which they nationalise almost anything which is even remotely profitable, take it into public ownership and by virtue of employing many hundreds and thousands of civil servants make quite sure that whatever it is accumulates vast losses, as a result of which taxation goes up and the audience for Just A Minute doesnít turn up because of the high price of coming in and listening to the rubbish that we have to talk...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Thereís no charge for coming to see Just A Minute!

NP: Iím glad you challenged on that! In case some people get the wrong idea of course being a BBC studio we do not charge. The audience are...

CF: Travel.

NP: ... allowed in absolutely free...

CF: Travel.

NP: Whatís that?

CF: Travel.

NP: No, you conveyed that they were charged for coming in and that was a devious..

CF: The cost of coming here.

NP: Whatís that?

CF: Listen!

PJ: The cost of coming here.

NP: What?

KW: The cost of coming here.

NP: The cost of coming here? Well I thought he said the...

KW: The cost of coming...

PJ: The cost of coming in to see Just A Minute, thatís what I thought he said.

NP: Iím sure he said for coming in to see Just A Minute.

CF: Rubbish.

NP: All right. So weíll put it to the audience because there seems to be some doubt. Peter Jones seems to think they said that, so if you think that Clement Freud didnít then you will cheer for him and if you think that he did then you boo for Peter Jones, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You all believe that Clement didnít say that and you definitely didnít pay. And so he continues for six seconds on profits starting now.

CF: In the Bible...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

KW: Youíre not going to lay down and take that are you? Youíre not going to sit there and take it?

NP: Well itís four and a half seconds, one and a half seconds pause! Four and a half seconds on profits Peter starting now.

PJ: Selling is something that can only be done in a sellers market and thatís really what weíve enjoyed...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Peter Jones was speaking as the whistle went and heís now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams is only one point behind. Peter itís your turn to begin. The subject is selling. From profits weíve already mentioned something about it, but you can mention the word again in this round of Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Yes thatís something that weíre more concerned with nowadays than we were in the past. Because itís all done in a very different way. In order to get these enormous profits in supermarkets and banks theyíve employed computers and automatic wrapping machines and various things of that kind while theyíve stopped worrying about the actual customer because itís done for the convernience of the shareholders and the people who are running it largely. I mean the ordinary person who just drops in to make a small purchase has to go right to the back of the supermarket...

BUZZ

PJ: ... or alternately...

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition... it might save things... of supermarket.

NP: Of supermarket yes. I think he was finding it as boring as anybody! But he did go on that drearisome tack for 35 seconds, no 34, so there are 26 left Derek to talk on selling starting now.

DN: It used to be so much fun in the old days, selling, didnít it really. When one used to hear the cries of London! The people selling lavender perhaps, or hot cross buns if it was that time of year. Or even indeed in this particular month which we are in, goodness knows what it is, they might be selling gooseberries. Now if you hear people singing about a lovely something which theyíre going to flog to you, that looked frightfully attractive and I did like it very much indeed. But today life is rather sad and when you hear things being sold...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, selling, Derek kept going until the whistle went. I donít think anybody else wanted the subject actually! And he was speaking then as I said when the whistle went and gained an extra point. Heís taken the lead again. Kenneth Williams? Kenneth would you like to wake up because itís your turn to begin. The subject is Augustus Gracianos or Gratianos. And there are 60 seconds of course starting now.

KW: Gracianos ruled in what was really a triumvirate with his half brother, Valentilian the Second, and his uncle who was Valin. But with the defeat of the latter named gentleman the man weíre discussing, Gracian he is continually referred to in Gibbonís Rise and Fall, or Decline or whatever it is, the thing he wrote. Well he was knocked off by Maximus! Now the interesting thing is that this man was a count in Great Britain at the time so this question really has got great bearing as far as our country is concerned. Because he marched from the island to Galle and defeated Gracianos...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah you canít... Deviation. You canít march from this island to Galle!

NP: No, you have to cross the sea...

CF: The Channel is too deep!

NP: Yes, so I agree with the challenge Clement and you have 13 seconds to talk about Augustus Gracianos starting now.

CF: What I remember particularly well reading about Augustus Gracianos is that he was put to death at Lyons. And I always wonder whether it was a nippy, a cup of tea, crumpet or a cheese...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud has regained the lead alongside Derek Nimmo, and itís Derekís turn to begin. And the subject, and youíve already mentioned him once, Donald Duck. He was in your bath earlier on! But will you tell us something about Donald Duck, Derek, in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well of course Iím absolutely delighted to be able to talk about Donald Duck because I was indeed referring to him a moment ago when I was in my bath. A jolly nice companion he is! Because heís pink and he has a yellow beak! And it gets a bit washed off now you know. Because I started off, he was about two inches tall when I first bought the fellow. But now with a lot of rubbing away because I started on my toes and gradually work up round my knees and then up eventually to my head. And he is getting rather tiny. And he is a character invented of course by Walt Disney that splendid man who died in what 1966? And in Burbank, thatís where he lived. And he created this wonderful little creature, this dear little duck, whoís probably changed the history of the world more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two littles.

NP: Yes there were.

DN: Yes.

NP: This little chap, this little duck. And there are 26 seconds for Donald Duck, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: Thereís a sort of quark quark quark!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of quack quack quack!

NP: I wonít be unkind to say itís just a repetition of quark. But we know what you mean. There are 24 seconds for Donald Duck, Derek, starting now.

DN: If one goes to the cinema in St Martinís Lane, which is dedicated to his memory, youíll be able to pop in and see Donald Duck films, and ones with Pluto, Minnie Mouse...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: This cinema isnít dedicated to the memory of Donald Duck!

NP: No, youíre quite right, it isnít.

PJ: Oh thank you very much!

NP: And there are 13 seconds for Donald Duck with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Really quite an invention! Because the comic value that he manages to put over, does compete very well with living performers. Which of course is a great worry to all members of Equity on account...

WHISTLE

NP: Well with another extra point for speaking as the whistle went Peter Jones has now come up into second place with Clement Freud and theyíre both only one point behind Derek Nimmo, our leader. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, and the subject, Aladdin. From Donald Duck to Christmas! Aladdin, 60 seconds, starting now.

CF: Aladdin is a tale which I donít remember terribly well. Other than I was frequently worried and concerned about a woman shouting "new lamps for old" or it could have been an old man...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well it wasnít a woman, it was a man! Wasnít it?

CF: Well wait!

NP: It might... At the pantomime he saw it might have been a woman! So he wasnít technically deviating from the subject of Aladdin and so he continues and there are 45 seconds left starting now.

CF: What the chap would have had us believe is that if you got this piece of metal and rubbed away with an oily rag or possibly your elbow then a huge enormous black large character appeared and said "your wish is my command". Something few people have said before or since! And in this particular story which I would...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of story.

NP: Yes, there was, a story before, and that...

CF: A fairy tale.

NP: Eighteen seconds now for Aladdin with you Derek starting now.

DN: I remember when I was appearing in Aladdin at Chissick Empire Theatre some 20 years ago there was also in the company with me 20 German midgets. Now I lived in a caravan...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of 20.

NP: Yes it was a pity about the 20.

DN: Yes absolutely yes.

NP: Twenty years ago. You should have changed the number of the midgets! Nine seconds are left for Aladdin Clement starting now.

CF: I think if Aladdin came up to me now and said "what would be your desire?" not what I said previously. My ceratin wish would...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud finished with Aladdin and heís now taken the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones is only two behind and Kenneth is only one behind Peter. And Peter Jones it is your turn to begin. And the subject is what Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker. Thatís a rather delightfully involved subject! But would you start with...

DN: What Peter Jones...

NP: What Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker. Would you start now, 60 seconds, starting now.

PJ: Well Iíve admired Clement Freud for many years right up until the time I joined him on this game! And since then of course my admiration has dwindled steadily lower as year has followed each 12 months...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! The audience reaction to his delightful change of direction on words meant that he...

DN: Hesitated!

NP: Just caught his breath! No, no, no, no, no, no! Um Peter an incorrect challenge, there are 42 seconds for what Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker starting now.

PJ: Iím not entirely sure that this wellknown speaker, bon viveur and so forth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well the last speaker was Peter Jones!

NP: A very good challenge! So Clement Freud you have 34 seconds to take over the subject. And it is what Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: You do say starting now normally.

NP: I didnít say start now?

CF: No.

NP: I didnít, Iím sorry, I didnít say start now. So Iím going to take it all back. We go back to there are 36 seconds again, what Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker, starting now.

CF: I have heard Peter Jones speaking about Nicholas Parsons and because this is a family show I am reluctant to give the full details, the total wordage or verbiage of his opinion. But fat, ugly, fully made up, old for his age, the youngest veteran in radio, the only person who wears a full makeup to partake in a darts match...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Two coats of makeup!

NP: Utterly devious...

DN: But quite true!

NP: I quite agree, I quite agree! Well of course Iím wearing makeup, Iím going on to do a television show immediately this is over!

CF: Youíre going to a darts match!

NP: Yes! But it will be on television! I think weíll get on with the game! Who challenged?

PJ: I did.

NP: Yes and youíre quite right. It was a very devious challenge and all those revolting things! Peter Jones you have the subject now of what Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker, six seconds, starting now.

PJ: It remains to be seen exactly who the last speaker will be at the end of this half hour...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: It doesnít remain to be seen who the last speaker was Peter! Use your nut! Anyone can tell who was speaking last! Canít they? The evidence of your senses should provide them if you take your glasses of!

PJ: At the end of the game! The end of the half hour!

NP: He meant at the end of the game. But as you...

PJ: Youíve heard of the last trump havenít you?

KW: I think itís something rude, isnít it?

PJ: Well it hasnít happened yet!

NP: So Kenneth Iím going to give this to you so we can hear from you on the subject of what Peter Jones thinks about the last speaker. And there are only two seconds left starting now.

KW: Peter Jones thinks the last speaker, which was me, is brilliant! And I have it on good authority...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, he gained an extra point and he has moved forward at the end of that round and heís still in fourth place. But he is going to begin the next round and the subject is laying the lino. So will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: I actually bought a roll of lino. I will never forget the day. It was in Tottenham Court Road, this huge emporium, and I said to the man who was selling the stuff that "I do want the best quality you know". And he said "itís battleship, thatís what itís known as, thatís the term...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís not laying the lino, heís buying the lino.

NP: Yes I think thatís a good challenge because he did go for nearly 20 seconds. So Derek there are 41 seconds left for laying the lino, starting now.

DN: So I brought home this lovely roll of battleship grey lino.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís bringing home a great roll of lino, not laying it!

NP: Yes but to be perfectly fair youíve got to bring it home before you can lay it!

KW: Well you should have said that about me then shouldnít you! Yes! Unkind! Unfair!

NP: The difference was you took 19 seconds within the context of this game to even discuss the purchase! So I donít think weíve got to the laying part. And Derek was just on the point of laying. So um donít take that too literally, he talked about Donald Duck, but weíre not talking about eggs! Anyway letís carry on with Just A Minute and laying the lino and there are 38 seconds left starting now.

DN: So I got hold of my hammer very firmly in my right hand and put a whole handful of tintacks into my mouth and spat them out one by one. And then bang I went with the afore mentioned wooden thing with a bit of metal on the end and then the linoleum went to the ground. And I rolled it right out and there it was. shining, looking at me. It had little red spots on it, have you seen them? Very pretty! And yellow squares in certain areas of the linoleum and I thought how thoroughly attractive it looked.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of linoleum.

NP: Yes because the word on the card is lino, not linoleum.

DN: Oh.

NP: And so Clement had a correct challenge and there are 12 seconds for you Clement laying the lino starting now.

CF: Laying the lino is an Australian phrase rather like coming the peanut. I can remember in Sydney, also Melbourne, and all parts of Queensland, old horses coming...

WHISTLE

NP: Well it was certainly a very keen contest this week. And theyíre working very hard to be successful. And Clement Freud speaking again as the whistle went has moved forward, or edged forward again. Heís just ahead of Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones is only just behind and Kennethís still there. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject rambling. Something they never do in Just A Minute! But would you talk about it in the game starting now.

DN: My interest in rambling was aroused when I was very young by listening to English radio and hearing a programme called Out With Romney. And how I remember those lovely hours when you used to wander in oneís imagination down leafy lanes with Doris and a little dog called Rack. And this gentleman who was a gypsy by the way always used to be pointing to rather curious things he saw in the hedgerow. And when I got a bit older I used to go rambling on my own, a little knapsack on my back, whistling a happy tune with a pair of very stout brogue shoes on my feet. And off Iíd go into the English countryside. And how attractive it is compared with that of most other countries. In the spring morning with the primroses peeping behind the brightening the new leaves in a little nut lane, one would have the most exquisite and delightful ramble, and see perhaps a flatwing or a thrush or a starling. All kinds of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Three ors.

NP: Itís very difficult because we donít challenge for the word "or" and you see itís the last round, and I know that if Clement Freud has it heíll win, and if Derek Nimmo has it heíll win. And Iíve got to be fair because he did repeat the word or....

CF: Three times in six words.

NP: Yes. I have to be honest and say... I mean I have to be just and say Clement it was a correct challenge and there are five seconds for rambling starting now.

CF: My 12 year old son who has a slight speech impediment loves Charlotte Rambling...

WHISTLE

NP: Someone, if someone had been quick they could have got Clement then because her name is Rampling.

CF: He has a slight speech impediment!

NP: Oh! Itís very difficult to win with Clement Freud as you can see! Anyway I think we should give around of apploise to Derek Nimmo because he...

CF: Apploise?

KW: Apploise?

NP: Apploise, yes, because he went for 55 seconds with the most delightful picture of rambling which I enjoyed and I hope you did. Arenít you going to clap? I told you this would have to be the last round and you probably have guessed in view of my earlier comments, only for that reason, that Kenneth Williams was in fourth place. And Peter Jones was only just in third place. Derek Nimmo was in second place but he was only just beaten by Clement Freud. We do hope that you have enjoyed Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when we have four panelists, three regulars and one guest, and myself here trying to keep order and control the show and Kenneth Willaims behaving as he is now it will be very difficult. But anyway until then from all of us here tonight, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.