JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 November 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard, once again we have the thrill and pleasure of having an all-male panel. All four experienced male exponents of the game competing against each other to try and see who will get most points and be the winner. As they speak if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, without deviating from the subject on the card. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the subject is nothing at all. So can you talk on nothing at all for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: (high speed completely unintelligible gibberish, non-words and noises including a raspberry)

BUZZ

DN: (continues with gibberish)

NP: Derek! Iím sorry! Sorry to interrupt you, it was very beautiful, very beautiful, but Clement Freud has actually had the temerity to challenge you. Whatís your challenge?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: There was a raspberry.

NP: Yes he actually was not going on nothing at all. He was giving us a great deal of codswallop. So I think the raspberry was within the context of the game deviation. Forty-six seconds for you Clement on nothing at all starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Well done Derek, you have a point and nothing at allís back with you, 44 seconds starting now.

DN: (this time itís again gibberish and non-words but this time long-drawn out non-words in an indian accent)

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of (impression of Derek Nimmoís voice) harani.

NP: I quite agree Peter, you have a point, you have 30 seconds on nothing at all starting now.

PJ: Itís an extremely difficult subject to talk about. I hesitate myself, Iím not going to repeat it, but I would like to say without any fear of contradiction that the situation has been exaggerated. As I said in 1939 when I was first asked this question...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well deviation.

NP: why?

DN: Heís talking about something, heís talking about 1939 when he was first asked the question, not talking about nothing at all.

NP: Well actually Derek, you were going on what might be described as rubbish but I imagine was your description of nothing at all, and Peter is talking somewhat in the same vein about nothing at all. It doesnít really make much sense to me so I think itís only right to leave it with Peter with another point, 11 seconds, nothing at all, Peter starting now.

PJ: And the previous Government made similar accusations...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, he is now specifically mentioning a previous Government so he canít be saying nothing at all.

NP: Everybodyís been in on this ridiculous round which is impossible for the chairman to judge. So I will tell you what weíll do, weíll let Kenneth Williams come in. In other words, I will agree with your challenge, give you a point and say you have nine seconds on nothing at all starting now.

KW: It can be said to exist in a vacuum, a place where there is no spirit, where there is no oxygen, where...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

KW: Did I repeat myself there?

NP: Actually Clement Freud did manage to challenge just before the whistle went, what was your challenge?

CF: Three where theres.

NP: Yes Iím afraid...

KW: Iím afraid heís right! Thereís no question about that. He is right. Yes, I think we have to give him the benefit of that.

NP: Iím delighted to see the tremendous change come over you from last week, from fighting for every point to great sportsmanship. All right, Clement Freud, I agree with your challenge of repetition, you take the subject over and thereís one second left starting now.

CF: Nothing at all.

WHISTLE

NP: I have nothing at all to say about that last round except it was an impossible round on which to judge. All right so we continue now with the next subject, Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is the voice of the people. Can you talk to us about that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The voice of the people is one of those ridiculous phrases which people use when theyíre not certain of something and they say ďah, this is the voice of the peopleĒ. There also is a newspaper which is published on Sundays called The People which has a man in it known as The Voice. And in this column, each seventh day of the week, you can read incredible utterances about how people feel or do not...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?

DN: Well I think there were too many people really.

KW: Ah but thatís the subject on the card!

DN: I know...

NP: The voice of the people, yes, you can repeat the subject on the card but not one word, isolated, more than once. You said people twice.

CF: Never knew that.

NP: So Derek you have a point and you have 30 seconds left starting now.

DN: It does infuriate me when people like Clement Freud say itís nonsense to talk about the voice of the people. For me, Kenneth Williams is the true voice of the people of this country! When you hear a man who is upstanding and righteous, who is brave, and filled with conviction, and is proud to say ďIím proud to be an EnglishmanĒ, he is a great person...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of proud.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you made him too proud.

DN: Did you mind Kenny?

KW: No! It was lovely!

NP: So Peter Jones, I agree with your challenge, the voice of the people is with you now, with 12 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Hitler made a claim to be the voice of the people and brilliantly stage managed by his Minister of Propaganda, Goebbels. Mussolini was another one...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter was then speaking when the whistle went and heís now gone into the lead with that little bit of assistance from his two opponents on the other side, and Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject, high tea. Would you talk on that one for 60 seconds and you start now.

PJ: Itís a delightful meal, rather earlier than dinner, and often enjoyed in the north of England. Though it does conjure up in my mind pictures of tinned salmon and canned peaches which are not favourite forms of food in my er estimation...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: My er estimation.

NP: Oh it was almost, yes, I think, heíd got, heíd got to the point.

PJ: Yes I did hesitate, yes.

NP: I think you had. Itís sometimes difficult to judge but we give the benefit of the doubt to Derek on this occasion and there are 38 seconds on high tea Derek starting now.

DN: I too enjoy high tea. Itís quite tremendous particularly in Oldham in Lancashire where I worked in the Theatre Royal...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think we have to give it to you this time Peter, 33 seconds on high tea starting now.

PJ: No doubt people who are climbing Everest will take thermos flasks with them, and sit at little tables on stools and enjoy perhaps the highest tea in the world, made with boiling water and milk and sugar. The classic way of enjoying this delectable drink...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation...

PJ: A slice of lemon can be substituted for the milk... what?

NP: You have been challenged.

PJ: Oh Iím sorry.

NP: Kenneth your challenge?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: If the tea was boiling you couldnít drink it. He said theyíre enjoying boiling tea.

NP: People talk about a boiling hot cup of tea, itís probably only 70 degrees centigrade, not a hundred degrees centigrade. So I disagree with the challenge, thereís one second for Peter on high tea starting now.

PJ: A steaming hot...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter was then speaking when the whistle went. And Derek Nimmo you begin the next round, the subject is amusing the baby. Derek that is the subject and you have 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I find the most... pleasant way...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No! Rotten of you!

KW: Well was it or not? Whether itís rotten of me is hardly the point!

NP: I donít think it was hesitation and I think it was rotten of you to buzz in quite so rapidly. He has 58 seconds on amusing the baby starting now.

DN: If one is going to talk about amuuuuuusing the baaaaaaaby, itís probably better to talk like Kennnnnnnnnnnnneth Williams and then they canít come in and buzz you. But my favourite way of amusing babies actually is to recite nursery rhymes...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Amusing twice.

NP: Amusing is on the card.

KW: Oh Iím furious!

NP: Youíre trying very hard Kenneth. Donít, donít slacken because...

KW: Well I mean I feel I should get my oar in! I donít feel Iíve been given the coverage. I donít feel Iíve been serviced at all on this!

NP: Perhaps you need more than a service, perhaps you should go in for a retread.

KW: I know! I do feel it, yes!

NP: I disagree with the challenge alas, and Derek has a point and the subject with er 43 seconds on amusing the baby starting now.

DN: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. There came a big spider and sat down beside her...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Oh this is recitation. Itís not talking without hesitation or deviation.

NP: It was, itís a very good way of amusing the baby. Itís a way that most parents adopt. With Little Miss Muffet. So he was still going very...

KW: Oh I think youíre disgraceful! We could all sit here and recite a load of poetry, and I mean, never talk at all and do anything involuntary, do you.

NP: Well of course...

KW: You could know a load of poems and turn up every week, couldnít you.

NP: Yes.

KW: You could go on for hours reciting (recites poem at huge speed, unintelligible)

NP: That would hardly fit in with er...

KW: I mean Iím here trying to be inventive. Iím trying to do my best. I am genuinely being authentic.

NP: I know! You are, yes! Youíre one of the most authentic people in show business, Kenneth...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...and we take our hats off to you.

KW: So I get the subject?

NP: No, youíve lost the point.

KW: Oh!

NP: Amusing the baby is still with you Derek, you have another point and there are 37 seconds starting now.

DN: Of course one can wave rattles, and make loud noises, and come up behind them and say ďbooĒ. That sometimes is very popular. Iíve found little children less than a year old who go into shrieks of laughter, ecstasies of enjoyment, when I go behind them and say the aforementioned word...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Behind twice, repetition.

NP: Yes, yes, yes.

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: I thought you were anticipating him saying boo and he very cleverly changed it. But you found a behind in there, two behinds in fact, double derriere. So amusing the baby is now with you Clement Freud, and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

CF: Almost anything will amuse a baby if you look stupid enough...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Deviation, itís completely untrue. I look utterly stupid and I never amuse any of them! They just sit there stone-faced!

NP: Last week I gave Derek Nimmo a bonus point when they applauded one of his remarks, I do the same to you Kenneth for that one, because obviously it wasnít a serious challenge. Clement Freud, we leave the subject with you. You do understand, donít you?

KW: Yes Clement, I understand, I understand perfectly.

NP: And you have er 18 seconds on amusing the baby starting now.

CF: But thereís no reason why, whatsoever, one...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, Derek you have a point, 14 seconds...

CF: Why?

KW: Most unfair! Most unfair! Clem here, trying his hardest! I thought that was really rotten! Why was, why was Clem destroyed like that?

NP: He was hesitating and it was a correct challenge of Derekís. Amusing the baby, 14 seconds, Derek starting now.

DN: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. John...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From the nursery rhyme! If heís going to recite, then heís got to recite...

NP: Yes I quite agree with that deviation and also I said...

DN: If I like, I can amuse the baby any way I like! I can recite the nursery rhyme any way I like! It doesnít matter which way I recite it! As long as Iím amuse it!

CRIES OF ďYESĒ AND ďRUBBISHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís a very difficult decision to make because obviously in my mind he had established the fact that he was reciting Jack and Jill...

DN: Well the baby, it might be the first time he had heard it!

PJ: Yes but he, he recited before. He was reciting again so it was repetition!

NP: All right, when we have this impossible situation and it is really impossible to judge, we let the audience be the superior judges in this situation and we ask you to give us a decision. Now if you agree with Clementís challenge, will you cheer. If you disagree will you boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Are you feeling all right, sir? Derek Nimmo you have a unanimous decision, I would say. You still have amusing the baby with 10 seconds left starting now.

DN: Sometimes I show them photographs of Kenneth Williams, and that they find is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

DN: Not from me.

NP: Not from Peter, not from Derek. He didnít mention Kenneth Williams. Somebody else did.

DN: Kenneth Williams just spoke.

NP: Kenneth Williams mentioned his own name actually.

PJ: Oh did he? Yes.

NP: Five seconds for amusing the baby with you Derek starting now.

DN: Or you can crawl along the floor...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I think itís all very boring, the way he amuses babies! I think itís a disgrace! Boring and devious! I mean crawling up behind them and going ďbooĒ, it would frighten the life out of them!

NP: You speak for yourself Kenneth! So I disagree with that challenge because...

KW: Heís had it for ages, this subject!

NP: I know he has.

KW: I mean heís hogging it! Definitely hogging it!

NP: Well he hasnít been correctly challenged yet, heís been keeping going very well despite of all the efforts to unseat him. And there are four seconds still with you Derek, on amusing the baby starting now.

DN: If you pull back the nappy and put your tongue on their tummy and go (raspberry noise) they like it very much indeed...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah!

KW: That is a disgrace, you know! I mean...

NP: It shows that Derek Nimmo really did help his wife to bring up the baby!

KW: Yes, but it says youíre supposed to speak for 60 seconds, not go (raspberry noise). I mean if weíre allowed noises I could do quite a few!

NP: We already had a raspberry in this programme at the end! And I know that all the children, I think two, one of Derekís children is in the front, and probably heís looking happy now because he had those little, lovely little...

KW: I could do the drum and the trumpet. I could go (makes series of drum and trumpet noises). I mean...

NP: Then youíd be had up for repetition of (drum and trumpet noise). Kenneth Williams you complained a little while ago that you hadnít got your oar in enough. You can now have a go because the subject is with you. And the one that Ian Messiterís thought of for you is Al Caponey, or Al Capone. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: Well I only know this gentleman achieved an awful lot through this law which was known as prohibition which meant you simply could not teeter in and order your dry martini, or your bourbon and dry, or whatever. And you simply had to have the cordial, lemon, orange or nectarine as it is sometimes known. But there were these (unintelligible) or clip-joints, sleazy back parlours where crooks made money by offering you the offensive liquor at certain rates. They were very expensive and these people made money out...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of made money.

NP: Yes! Oh you were going to get such a round of applause in 10 seconds time.

KW: He just waits till youíre over the hump, doesnít he!

NP: That last 10 seconds is really really tough isnít it, if youíre trying to keep going for 60 seconds. You did very well, nobodyís gone for, for 48 seconds before. But actually 12 seconds to go, Al Capone is now with you, Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Born in Naples and moved to Chicago. The interesting thing about the man really is the only time that the police were able to arrest him was for avoiding income tax and he spent 11 years in jail for that offence. And finally died a broken man...

WHISTLE

NP: I think itís about time I gave you the score, I havenít done it for a time. Itís a very interesting situation, not abnormal. Kenneth is in fourth place, Clement, Clement this is strange, is in second place, heís rather way behind Peter whoís in second place and Derek Nimmo has got a very strong lead at the end of that round.

PJ: Weíre both in second place and each of us is behind the other! I canít understand it!

KW: Youíd better say it all again dear as it was hopeless!

NP: Oh what did I say? Oh well Iíll say it again. The situation is that Kenneth Williams is in fourth place, he has been there before, but he has been known to win! Clement Freud is in third place which is unusual but heís still been known to win. Peter Jones is in second place which is quite a good position for him, but heís also been known to win. And Derek Nimmo is very definitely the winner at this particular moment in the game but weíre still only about three quarters of the way through. Clement Freud your turn to begin and the subject is showing willing, just what I was doing a short while ago. Clement, showing willing, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The first time I showed Willing who was an exceedingly pleasant pony, 14 hands, two inches, was at Lyborough Market... and ...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Iím afraid hesitation, the whole thing was going to slow to a halt, wasnít it.

NP: Yes. The pony came to a halt. I think he was rather making it up. Clement, Kenneth, I agree with your challenge and therefore you have 48 seconds on showing willing starting now.

KW: (stretching syllables in a singsongy way) This is a quality we should all cultivate, because it simply means that you do cooperate with society in general and lend...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has...

KW: ... a passing hand to any stranger who happens upon your path. And along that road... whatís the matter?

NP: Youíve been challenged!

KW: Who by?

NP: Who by? Derek Nimmo.

KW: Oh sorry.

NP: Derek whatís the challenge?

DN: Well heís not speaking about it, itís sort of playing songs, isnít it really!

NP: What is your challenge?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Because heís not speaking, heís playing song. Heeeree ladiaaaaah daah day...a laaa dee ah!

NP: No, you see if youíd had him for hesitation, I would have said he was hesitating on a word.

DN: I see.

NP: But I donít think he was um doing what you said. Kenneth so you keep the subject, there are 38 seconds on showing willing starting now.

KW: And if someone says to you, ďwill you undertake this rather fearful taskĒ, and you, out of the kindness of your heart, say ďcertainly, I put myself entirely at your disposalĒ you can rightly be said to show willing. I continually practice this. And people have complimented...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes thereís been quite a lot of people in your...

KW: (singing) People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you very much!

CF: Extraordinary!

NP: Weíll throw you our coins afterwards but right now youíve been challenged correctly by Clement Freud. So he gains a point and showing willing is the subject for 15 seconds with you Clement starting now.

CF: Willing was actually shown in the leading rein class in which...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, weíve already discussed this pony.

NP: Yes, if you say showing willing, you can repeat the subject on the card. So you have er the point, and there are 10, 11 seconds for you on showing willing, Clement, starting now.

CF: And won a rosette which is now hanging over the fireplace in our house in Suffolk. The only other time showing Willing had any sort of beneficial repercussions was...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as you know, you can repeat the subject on the card and Clement Freud decided it was a horse and so he kept going. Heís moved into second place alongside Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo still in the lead. Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject is poltergeists. Can you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I associate poltergeists with spirits and things that have passed over on to the other side. I did once go to a meeting which was under the supervision of a medium at the Rudolph Steiner Hall, or was it perhaps the Wiggmore? Yes I think it was. And there the spirits...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of spirits.

NP: Yes Clement, you have a point and there are 36 seconds on poltergeists starting now.

CF: Poltergeists seem predominantly to be things that go boomp in the night. And every time you investigate such a noise, or the movement of furniture, a curtain suddenly blowing out into a room, or even a shriek, a scream, or other loud noises, poltergeists are invariably to blame. Many houses in this country are more valuable because the owners say... poltergeists...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

NP: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so, yes it was...

CF: Where?

NP: ..debatable, itís difficult to judge when it is and when it isnít. But he paused long enough I think, to consider there was hesitation, 12 seconds on poltergeists with you Derek...

DN: Staying in Little...

NP: ... starting now.

DN: Sorry, staying in Little Hallam Hall one night in August nineteen fifty eight, I slept in a bedroom in a four poster bed. Iíd just gone into a deep slumber when suddenly...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking then when the whistle went. Heís increased his lead but Clement Freud has moved into second place now, creeping up on him. Peterís one point behind Clement in third place. And Kennethís just a little way behind.

SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Donít be so unkind. Heíll win one of these days again and show you all. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject is courage. Will you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Courage, brother, do not stumble. How very wise those words are when theyíre followed by trust in God and do the right. That is what we as a nation need today. Courage to face the adversity for us. Courage to look at the flag of which weíre so proud. And to wander into the world proud that we are born of English stock....

BUZZ

DN: Ladies and gentlemen here...

NP: Peter Jones has interrupted your...

PJ: Repetition of proud.

NP: Yes, you were too proud then, Iím afraid.

PJ: Very stirring it was, I thought.

NP: Yes but he still repeated himself. So there are 35 seconds for you on courage Peter starting now.

PJ: It really is that quality which enables one to go on and do whatever it is one is attempting in spite of a chilly feeling of fear. Now when people are supposed to do brave acts and are decorated for so doing, then they often claim that they do not what courage is. Now on the other hand, there are similar people, heroes some of them...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid there was. Three seconds with you now Derek on courage starting now.

DN: The red badge of courage...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute which is a great pity because we enjoy it, I hope as much as you at home enjoy listening to it. At the end of that round Kenneth Williams finished in fourth place, a little way behind Peter Jones and Clement Freud who were equal in second place. But they were undoubtedly a long way behind this weekís winner who is Derek Nimmo! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.