JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 January 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello, and welcome to Just A Minute. If the recording sounds a little rough, donít adjust your radio because itís only because Iíve got a stinking cold. But I hope that wonít interfere with the fun and games. So we welcome our four regular and keen players of the game. They will try and talk, they will try and speak a lot without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject I will give them. And we start the show with Peter Jones. And Peter the subject is fun and games. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Yes I remember them quite vividly. I used to go to parties when I was a small boy. There were lots of little girls smelling of lavender and soap. And there were jellies and ice cream and people playing "here we come gathering nuts in May". And musical chairs, the pianist pumping away like mad, all rushing around with balloons bursting and grownups trying to keep people from fighting each other, all grappling with these small children. And then there were the other people, the conjurers...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two lots of people.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you mentioned people before Peter. So thatís a correct challenge Clement and you take over the subject having gained a point for that correct challenge. There are 31 seconds left starting now.

CF: I donít have a lot of fun and games though I do go to the occasional memorial service for friends. And yet now and then in the House of Commons in the late evenings or the early afternoons some honourable gentleman will blow his nose, pull his ear, or possibly put his fingers through what remains of his hair and say "do you recall...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freudís hilarious fun and games kept him going till the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up. And as you know whoever speaks at that moment gains an extra point. Clement Freud has two points at the end of the first round and the others have yet to score. So weíll move now to Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is the spirit of independence in me. So will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: It could probably be equated with a John Stuart Mill definition of a negative concept of liberty, ie that ability to sit on your rump and do nothing if you so choose. Surely one of the last bastions left in Western culture which we should defend! And that is the spirit of independence which dwells within me and which I would always ...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of which.

NP: Yes you... Thatís what we call a tough challenge.

PJ: Is it? Why do you call it a tough challenge? Because I make it?

NP: No, no, only because sometimes oneís generous and overlooks such words...

PJ: Are you implying Iím not generous to Kenneth Williams?

NP: Well I donít know what you do in your private life Peter. But here in the game we all play to win and it is a perfectly correct challenge. So you have a point for that and you take over the subject. There are 29 seconds left, the spirit of independence in me, starting now.

PJ: Well Iím taking that to mean the spirit of independence in Nicholas Parsons, as he sits there as chairman of this game...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: The subject on the card is the spirit of independence in me, and he said heís taking it to be the spirit of independence in you. So therefore heís deviating.

NP: No he didnít say that. He said he took it to be the spirit of independence in Nicholas Parsons, because I said the spirit of independence in me and that could be a very accurate interpretation of the subject so he wasnít really deviating. So he keeps it and he has 22 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And as he sits there in his white polo sweater as if he has just come...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation. This is radio, weíre not interested in visual description!

NP: Sometimes, not on this occasion but sometimes, visual descriptions are very necessary on radio! Especially when you get up to your antics and I have to describe to the listeners what you are doing. Otherwise they wouldnít know what was happening, would they? So he continues with 19 seconds left, the spirit of independence in me starting now.

PJ: As if he has just come back from the gym...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation. Thereís no spirit of independence in Nicholas Parsons! As everyone knows heís totally ruled by his dear wife Denise and his lovely mother of 94 years who...

NP: As my mother nowhere near approaches that age. Radio is not the occasion to bring in personal references even if my family are in the audience and enjoying every word of what youíre saying! They know that youíre a wicked devil...

DN: The ambulance is waiting for your mother outside!

PJ: No, thatís the ambulance that brought Nicholas!

NP: Well as Iím...

CF: I think itís very uncharitable to say sheís nowhere near approaches that age!

NP: As I...

CF: Do you mean you donít want her to reach that age?

NP: Weíre going to get on with the programme now! There are 17 seconds left for the spirit of independence in me, with you Peter starting now.

PJ: And it is this spirit of independence in him which I believe in...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of which.

KW: Bravo! Well done! Brilliant! Brilliant!

NP: Hoisted by your own petard Peter! Right, Derekís got it this time, 12 seconds, the sopirit of independence in me, starting now.

DN: The spirit of independence in me is given to me by gin! I drink it with tonic, sometimes only with ice, and very occasionally with bitter lemon, embravened by this wonderful confection...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Embravened?

DN: I made it up as I went along!

PJ: Well, that Iíll allow you!

NP: Yes...

PJ: But I mean, deviation!

NP: Deviation of correct English. So, according to Ian Messiter thereís one fifth of a second left for the spirit of independence in me, with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Getting...

WHISTLE

PJ: Well I didnít really want to go on with it!

NP: So the spirit of independence in me kept Peter Jones going, and a lot of challenges which were not correct. So heís now got a good lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round please. And the subject is pretence. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Pretence is something that no politician would know anything about. But I suppose reaching for an encyclopaedia or other reference book which many people who pursue politics have by their side, and searching among the letter P entries, one might well discover the meaning to be something to do with pretending to be what you are not. For instance, if I announced that I was Kenneth Williams and I sat uneasily on my chair, occasionally kissing the man sitting on my right on his left ear, then this could be a pretence. Something which I deplore personally. And pretence by definition basically is something else which I donít like. For instance, a man says you are losing your hair, when in fact I know where every single one has gone! I just happen to be bald! Now...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud started with the difficult subject I think of pretence, kept going magnificently until the whistle went. So he not only gets a point for speaking then, but an extra point for not being challenged at any time. Heís still one point behind our leader, not still, heís now one point behind our leader Peter Jones. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, and the subject is frogs legs. will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I remember sitting on the beach at San Tropez and seeing the beautiful Bridget Bardot walking towards me, and I thought what a wonderful pair of leigon de delaoiu she was sporting. And then I walked up to her and said "madam" or miss I should probably have said, I donít think she was married at the time. I donít think she was, now I come to think about it. Then she wandered down on to the Quayside, arm in arm, not with me but I said arm twice...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well arms twice Iím afraid.

NP: Yes. Arm in arm, frogs legs is now with you Kenneth and there are 35 seconds left starting now.

KW: You canít order one of these in a restaurant. Otherwise the RSPCA would be down on you for having limping frogs going round! I often eat them myself! I think theyíre awful! The idea of oysters and lizards and all that they serve up in these foreign places...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They donít serve up lizards in places!

PJ: Not under that name!

NP: No well I...

DN: Mr Chairman Iíve had lizard in Bangkok actually. Itís lovely grilled...

KW: I said, I said, it was served up in these foreign places!

DN: Absolutely right! Grilled, mounted....

NP: I do think...

KW: Thank you very much Derek! Itís very nice of you! Itís not very often that I meet with that kind of co-operation on this show! Believe me!

DN: My pleasure Kenneth!

KW: Iíve been very, Iíve been very badly treated! Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street in the pouring rain!

NP: And er, would you all like to settle the decisions amongst yourselves? Or shall I as chairman? No he wasnít technically deviating from the frogs legs and there are 19 seconds starting now.

KW: Their elasticity is well known! And they are capable of bounding six feet or in French, six kilometres at one...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Not six kilometres!

KW: Isnít that the equivalent to a foot?

NP: Kenneth...

DN: Itís four miles! They canít bound four miles!

NP: Kenneth, I hate to have to show you up but a kilometreís actually five eighths of a mile!

KW: Oh Iím sorry!

NP: And so I agree with Derekís challenge. And I tell you Derek that you have eight and a half seconds starting now.

DN: I absolutely adore frogs legs. when one sits down in oneís restaurant, puts the napkin round oneís neck...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Three ones.

NP: Yes there were. There are four seconds left, no, three seconds left, frogs legs with you Clement starting now.

CF: They do tend to be dipped in flour drenched with salt...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. Heís now gone ahead of Peter Jones, just one ahead. And heís in second place and Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are equal in third place. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, and the subject: magic. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I can remember so terribly well one of my favourite uncles who put a walnut in his right hand and then appeared to make it pass into his left. Then he raised his hand up above his head...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Two hands.

NP: Iím afraid there were two hands. Iím afraid itís rather difficult to do any conjuring trick without it, isnít it?

PJ: Yes it is really yes yes.

NP: But it was a correct challenge, you mustnít repeat in Just A Minute...

PJ: I wonder if this game is really the vehicle for some of my stories!

NP: Well all I can say with great sincerity Peter, itís remarks like that that make the game completely worthwhile! Kenneth you have 50 seconds to talk about magic starting now.

KW: One of the great originators of the art of publicly displaying magic was of course Robert Houdin who in the 16th century invented the vanishing bird cage trick and the theatre matinee, may he rot and perish! And of course Houdini...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Iím sorry Kenneth...

KW: I never said it!

CF: You did.

NP: You did say it.

DN: One of the greatest exponents was of course Houdini.

KW: Did I say it? Do you know, do you know that completely escaped my memory!

NP: Clement did have a correct challenge and he has 28 seconds with magic starting now.

CF: One of my favourite tricks is called the disappearing chairman. You play Just A Minute and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Why, why are you so stunned?

CF: I went on talking while the audience made a noise...

KW: A hesitation.

CF: They...

KW: They were ejaculating!

NP: Well um they were making a noise, I didnít hear them. I didnít hear you talking. I will, all right...

CF: I donít know why you should come on to a programme and say youíve lost your voice, and then give every indication that you are deaf!

NP: Wait till they discover that Iím also blind! I will be generous, Iíll be fair, Iím sorry, Iíll put it to the audience. If you think that Clement Freud hesitated, then you will cheer for Derek Nimmo, and if you think he didnít hesitate, you will boo for him and all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS

NP: They decided that you didnít hesitate Clement so you still have the subject, a point for an incorrect challenge and 20 seconds on magic starting now.

CF: You appear on the stage with a napkin in one hand and a serviette grasped between the five fingers of the other. And waving it above your head you then with a series of intonations such as "hoopla" or "abracadabra" manage to make the first...

WHISTLE

NP:Well needless to say Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round, because he achieved quite a lot of success with the subject. Kenneth Williams itís your turn to begin. The subject is Stonehenge. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: One of the most notable ancient monuments in Great Britain. And its name derives from that old Saxon word, Hengen, which means hanging up. This is a reference to the lentil tone. I am anxious that you should understand my diction in this respect! And it has been maintained by many authoritative sources that Stonehenge itself is a massive astronomical plot! And that the rays of the sun lighting as they do with its beams twinged, no not twinged...

BUZZ

KW: Iím being put off here!

NP: You were quite right Kenneth, you were being put off by of all people Clement Freud who doesnít usually play that way! But you kept going magnificently in spite of all that. So Peter Jones challenged. Peter?

PJ: Well he did repeat.

NP: Yes he did...

PJ: Repeat.

NP: Can you...

KW: Come on, say the word! What are you trying to say here?

PJ: He did, and he was...

KW: Get it out! Get it out! Come on! Get out!

NP: I know what he repeated but can you still remember?

PJ: Well he repeated a word!

NP: Yes!

PJ: I donít believe you can remember it! Thatís why...

NP: He repeated twinges.

PJ: ... youíre asking me!

NP: He repeated twinges.

PJ: He repeated another word as well.

NP: But you still didnít say what it was. He repeated twinges but you didnít remember it so Kenneth therefore keeps the subject and there are 12 seconds left starting now.

KW: Excavations have proved that...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of proved.

NP: Yes you did prove something quite before.

KW: Thank you! A very good listener you are Derek! Very good!

NP: There are 11 seconds left for the subject Stonehenge and weíre with you Derek starting now.

DN: What fascinates me is the heelstone. The legend is that one day the devil saw an old monk watching him at his evil work and then threw this fine religious fellow up into the air, landed down...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the sitaution scorewise now is that Derek Nimmo is at last moving forward. Heís still in fourth place. Heís one point behind Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, who are about halfway behind in points Clement Freud, our leader. Clement itís your turn to begin and the subject is my most absurd uncle. will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Well unlike Nicholas Parsons who has a fine healthy 94-year old mother, I have no uncles, not anywhere at all. And as they say, or used to in Latin, dae mortuis dil nisi bonem, speak no ill of the dead, or perhaps translated literally nothing but good should be spoken of those who have passed on. I think it would be very wrong if I now gave...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heís obviously not going to speak about his most absurd uncle so he might as well pack up now!

NP: Well I think he was making a very good case of why he hadnít got an absurd uncle to talk about, but he wasnít to my mind really deviating from the subject.

DN: Oh really?

NP: No I think he was going quite well. And I would like to point out before any more references are made most sincerely...

DN: No you are not...

NP: ... my mother is a very sprightly 80-year old and she is a great fan of Just A Minute and she wants to love these four fellows...

DN: She listens a lot!

NP: And she gets very upset when she makes these remarks!

CF: Reading from your script, are we?

NP: My most absurd uncle, that is my script here, though in deference to...

PJ: Iíve never mentioned your mother on this programme!

NP: I know! Thatís why she loves you best of all!

PJ: And as far as I know no-one has ever mentioned your father, probably for a very good reason!

NP: All I can say Peter is the man who lives with my mother who I call father would be very upset to hear you say that! Clement Freud you have 31 seconds to continue on my most absurd uncle starting now.

CF: It does however occur to me that in 1949 I acquired a sort of honorary uncle who although not closely related to me nevertheless assumed the position of being in a state of marriage to an aunt who was not in fact either the sister of my father or a brothers wife of my mother. As a result we went through a relationship which included going to Home Park and watching Plymouth Argyll play football which at that time they did with grace and skill...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Watching a football match is not a relationship! He said we went through a relationship which included going to the football match.

CF: Thatís a relationship.

NP: Well I think itís a relationship. I mean a kind uncle takes you to a football match....

CF: Especially if you stand as close as we had to at Home Park!

NP: Donít make it devious in a different way Clement...

CF: I know!

NP: Iím agreeing with you, one fifth of a second, starting now.

CF: Unt!

WHISTLE

NP: You were so quick that Ian Messiter couldnít get his whistle in his mouth and nearly swallowed it in a mess! Heís now on the magic number of 13, Clement Freud, and you can imagine heís still our leader. Derek Nimmo itís your turn to begin and the subject is custard pies. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Custard pies used to be thrown regularly to me by my most absurd uncle, Ronald Kershaw Sudbury Hardy. He had this extraordinary fetish about custard pies because heíd once met Nicholas Parsonsí mother at a party where they apparently had had a lot of fun and games. And one of the things that this dear lady had done to this chap that I was telling you about was to throw an aforementioned custard pie smack into his old mush! As they used to say out in Alaska when they were talking to those old wolves...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said as they used to say twice.

NP: Yes and heís also utterly devious because heís got nothing to do with what he was saying. So Peter Iím delighted to be able to hand over the subject to you and tell you that you have 31 seconds on custard pies starting now.

PJ: Well custard pies as theyíre generally known, the ones that used to appear in old silent films were not actually made of custard, nor were they technically pies. They were tarts and they were filled with...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I donít think we want to talk about tarts on this sort of programme!

NP: Maybe not the kind of tarts that you had in mind! But, but Peter Jones to my mind was referring to quite a different kind of tart!

CF: He has a much better class of tart in mind!

NP: One thatís been baked in the oven! And thereís nothing to touch that! Peter an incorrect challenge! So you keep the subject of custard pies and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And as I said they were filled with this toilet preparation...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well by his own, by his own, by his own admission, he said, so itís repetition.

NP: No he didnít repeat the word...

KW: He said as I said!

NP: I know! Because he was getting back to the subject but he did not repeat the words...

KW: He said filled twice, filled twice, repetition of filled.

NP: Now listen! Iím going to be fair. Clement Freud gave you the tip....

KW: Oh come off it! Do you think I canít, do you think Iím deaf! Do you think Iím as bad as you are! Youíre the one thatís suffering from influenza dear!

PJ: I was trying to pick up the thread in the interests of the listeners who I thought...

NP: No itís all right Peter Iím with you, donít worry! The point is...

PJ: I am worried if youíre with me!

NP: Oh what a partisan audience we have!

PJ: Because thatís when the chopper falls!

NP: Right! Peter still keeps the subject and there are 13, sorry 16 seconds left for custard pies starting now.

PJ: And so when they were thrown sometimes from Laurel to Hardy or vice versa, this stuff didnít really make the effect on the clothes that one would imagine. Because they could easily be cleaned. It was wiped off. They started again. They got a new lot...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that factual description of custard pies from Peter Jones kept him going, an extra one point for speaking as the whistle went and he has moved forward ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams and now only four points behind our leader Clement Freud. And Peter weíre back with you to start and the subject is what the last contestant said. Thatís a very apt subject to come up now as it was you who was talking! So can you take the subject, what the last contestant said, Just A Minute, starting now.

PJ: Well I actually said that these custard pies were tarts and were filled with shaving cream. And they were thrown from Laurel to Hardy and vice versa. And what a pleasure it is to be able to repeat something without actually...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Donít you think the listeners will think the needleís stuck if he goes on?

NP: They may think that! But I donít think they will. What was your challenge?

DN: Oh well never mind, never mind! No I just thought out of my wits we ought to try to make the show more entertaining. Thatís okay, never mind, weíll do it again! Itís just...

NP: I thought Peter Jones was making an excellent job of that Derek so weíll leave the subject with him. It was a wrong challenge and there are 45 seconds left, what the last contestant said, starting now.

PJ: And then Derek Nimmo made a rather lame interruption about all this business of repeating what I had said before you see. And saying that the needle may...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of repeating.

NP: Yes Iím afraid that you did repeat repeat. And Clement Freud now has the subject...

PJ: I repeated repeating?

CF: Yes.

PJ: I see.

NP: Yes I think so. And Clement there are 36 seconds what the last contestant said starting now.

CF: What the last contestant said shortly before saying "I repeated repeating" was that the custard pie was filled with shaving cream and tossed from Laurel to Hardy or vice versa. It seemed to me astonishingly boring especially as it was repeated almost immediately by Derek Nimmo who also...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of repeated.

NP: No Iíve got to be fair, he said repeat and then repeating and then repeated. I was listening very carefully because I know these things come up.

PJ: Yes quite! I think itís wise to listen if youíre a chairman. I think you ought to keep, you know, I think very wise there, I canít fault that actually as a policy!

NP: And itís very wise to be as witty as you are if youíre a panelist! And I...

PJ: Quite! Quite!

NP: But Clement Freud keeps the subject, 14 seconds, what the last contestant said, starting now.

CF: Just prior to quite, he explained that it was wise to listen if you were the chairman because it was pretty pointless, by and large, to assume office of that kind, if youíre not prepared to do the work or prepare...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud just kept going until the whistle went because he repeated on the whistle and he wasnít caught for that. So now we come to the end of the contest and let me give you the final score. Derek Nimmo finished in fourth place. He contributed his usual good value to the programme but he was one point behind Kenneth Williams. Kenneth was five behind Peter Jones who was in sparkling form. But he never quite caught up with our leader who is once again our winner, Clement Freud. We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when our four panelists and myself will take to the air and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.