JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 January 1980)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard, we have our four regulars playing the game tonight, so anything can happen and everything usually does. And theyíre going to try and speak as usual if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. Clement Freud would you begin the show this week and the subject is looking ahead. Will you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Looking ahead is about optimism. And looking around this studio at young Kenneth Williams, sprightly Derek Nimmo, mature Peter Jones, there is a great deal of um hope and enthusiasm...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Derek so you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject which is looking ahead and there are 44 seconds left starting now.

DN: As Clement Freud said, looking ahead is very much to do with optimism. I am the sort of optimistic person who would even share a seesaw with Cyril Smith! And I do think that one should try always to look ahead in life to a wife-swapping party! One of these things I feel enriched the life if you tried to...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of life.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you said it before. So Clement has a correct challenge and there are 17 seconds left for looking ahead with you Clement starting now.

CF: Yet looking at Nicholas Parsons, what hope, I ask myself. A man who in 45 years time will still be the chairman...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Now actually, Iím so sorry, deviation because itís already been established from Mister Freud that looking ahead means optimism. I can think itís a very pessimistic thought to think that Nicholas Parsons will still be here in 45 years time!

CF: I said itís usually about optimism.

NP: Yes...

CF: In the case of Nicholas Parsons, Iím prepared to make an exception.

NP: Oh theyíre being very clever and very subtle tonight. Derek let me be very generous and give you a point for a very good challenge, but you donít get the subject. Clement Freud keeps it, and three seconds to go starting now.

CF: Hello!

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Iím going to be even more generous and say it was hesitation. Because it was two seconds there. Looking ahead, one second, Derek starting now.

DN: One ought to look ahead for at least three seconds!

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter, the originator and creator of this impossible game blows his whistle after 60 seconds and tells us that the time is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. It was Derek Nimmo who gained most points in that round and has the lead. And Derek would you begin the next round, the subject, what the perfect hotel should provide. Oh I can think of some things! And Derek would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: One of the things the perfect hotel should provide is transportation to pick one up from the airport. If you stay at the Peninsula Hotel in Hong Kong, they have a fleet of 10 Rolls Royces, painted in identical livery, to attend you at the terminal and transport you back to the aforementioned hotel. I think also it is very nice to have writing paper with your name on it, and perhaps personalised matches. Those little touches that make one feel so extremely welcome. Thereís a hotel called Lancerac in Stellenbosch in the Cape Province where they have rooms that actually have two bathrooms for each person that stays there. And a sauna bath and your own private swimming pool...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PETER JONES: Well this doesnít seem to be the perfect hotel. Heís talking about hotels that exist, and obviously no hotel is perfect, so he canít be talking about the perfect hotel. When he mentions these er heís been to.

NP: Thatís about the most involved challenge Iíve ever heard!

PJ: Well I thought Iíd better say something, people would think I wasnít in it at all!

NP: Well Peter I think youíre well and truly in it but er it was a very ingenious challenge but Iím afraid he wasnít deviating from the subject of the perfect hotel, what it should provide. So he keeps going with 21 seconds left starting now.

DN: The perfect hotel should provide highly skilled masseurs to attend to oneís every need. So that when one arrives tired...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Two ones.

NP: Thatís right, yes, when one arrived and one er masseurs. Kenneth you have 13 seconds now to talk on the subject of what the perfect hotel should provide starting now.

KW: I read a fascinating article by a lady who investigated this perfect hotel lark, and asked for a pure orange juice, a night-dress, a typewriter, a toothbrush, all kinds of things to be sent to the room...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking then as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. Heís now in second place at the end of the round, behind Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones begins the next round. Some people say the perfect hotel should have hot and cold women running in every room!

PJ: Chambermaids, surely! Hot and cold chambermaids!

NP: No it doesnít...

PJ: Thatís the joke!

NP: I noticed it got a much better laugh when you said that is the joke than when you actually told the joke. So Peter...

PJ: Naturally, they hardly recognised it as a joke in the first place! Anyway, Iíve got the subject! What is it? Hot and cold chambermaids?

NP: It would be a very good subject but actually Ian Messiterís suggested that you could talk on punctuality.

PJ: Ah.

NP: And you have Just A Minute in which to do it starting now.

PJ: Punctuality is the thief of time. Because with the traffic in the appalling state it is, the public transport so slow and uncomfortable, one has to start any journey in the metropolitan area so far in advance of the time one is expected to arrive...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of time.

NP: Yes that is right. Derek you have the subject, another point of course, 41 seconds on punctuality starting now.

DN: Gosh it is desperately difficult to be punctual today, is it not? And that is what Peter Jones was saying. And I quite agree with him because as I get on to my little bicycle and I try to cycle down to Trafalgar Square on a Tuesday morning, I find myself continually distracted and interrupted and indeed barred from going further by masses of traffic all over the road. And sometimes when you see little tiny birds floating...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes and tiny. So Clement you have the subject and 22 seconds on punctuality starting now.

CF: Punctuality is about arriving on time, also getting to a place at the appointed hour and generally not letting down people who would expect you to appear when their watches have them, persuade them that it is meet for you so to do. I am an exceedingly punctual person myself. I have been known to leave my car in the middle of Piccadilly Circus...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went and gained that extra point. Heís still in third place, Kennethís in second, Derekís in the lead, Peterís in fourth place. And Kenneth begins the next round. Kenneth the subject is, oh very apt for you, getting, getting in a frenzy. Something that Iím sure you donít normally do but will you talk on the subject in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: This is the sort of thing that occurs when passions are high. Sometimes it alights itself, sometimes in manufactured situations. One thinks immediately of Beatrice in The Gentry crying out ďspeak not to me..Ē

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones...

KW: ď... of hope, it is the only (off into high speed accented gibberish) ...Ē

NP: Kenneth! Peter Jones challenged you!

KW: Whatís he on about?

PJ: Well, there were whole bits of that that I couldnít er understand at all. It sounded like verbal anorexia to me! And so I, deviation is the challenge.

NP: Deviation is the challenge because I didnít hear it very well either, I canít actually judge. No, he did keep going on the subject, in fact he was demonstrating a frenzy to us, very er, accurately. So Kenneth you keep the subject, you have 47 seconds left, getting in a frenzy starting now.

KW: The most frenzied person I ever knew told me about Indian roulette where youíre surrounded by six cobras, youíre given a snake charmerís flute, but one of the cobras is deaf! And...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Cobra.

NP: Cobra, all those cobras. Um so...

KW: It was a load of cobras there!

NP: And one of them was deaf! Clement there are 38 seconds for you to talk on getting in a frenzy starting now.

CF: Getting in a frenzy is something the late and much belated Duke of Gloucester never did! He was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well I mean since the subject is getting into a frenzy, and he says somebody never did, itís a deviation. Weíre talking about getting into a frenzy, not about people who never did get into a frenzy.

NP: I remember in this show a few weeks ago, you accused me of giving a ludicrous decision on one of your challenges. I will now put that right, because thatís such a good challenge and you have the subject. Twenty-seven seconds to talk on getting in a frenzy starting now.

KW: To tear a passion to tatters! Turnigan to out Herod herodias would be the sort of thing that frenzies lead us into! And frenzied enthusiasm is something that we should all bring to bear on all those subjects and things in life which need that sort of inner ethulgence and rhythm and bring to almost a boiling...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, got the point. he not only spoke on the subject of getting in a frenzy, but actually illustrated it for the audience in the studio at the same time. And um heís gained so many points in that round, he now has the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud itís your turn to begin and the subject is gooey buns. Would you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Gooey of course is not an absolute term. And you must therefore get a bun and test it for normality. Which would depend on the dryness inherent therein, the amount of sticky covering upon it, the glaze, the filling, and perhaps the temperature of the confection which is exceedingly important if you are going to go for gooey buns. The most gooey bun I have ever had was in Tunbridge Wells in a cafeteria which used to be run by a lady who previously worked in a cathedral city. But she threw up her establishment and came to that part of Kent which I just mentioned, adjacent to a public school at which they wear bowler hats. Gooey buns 4p, was the modest price described on the menu outside, visible to all who passed the High Street and many went in...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of High Street.

NP: He said high school and High Street. So he repeated the word high. Derek you have six seconds on the subject of gooey buns starting now.

DN: I absolutely adore gooey buns. And I like to buy them, if possible, just round by the grocer...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo got in just before the whistle, got an extra point, and heís now gone back in the lead just ahead of Kenneth Williams. Derek your turn to begin, the subject acupuncture. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Acupuncture has been...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No!

DN: Oh really! Really, Kenneth!

NP: He only does it for a laugh! Derek gets the point for an incorrect challenge again and acupuncture still with him and 59 seconds starting now.

DN: Acupuncture is a very ancient form of Chinese medicine. And what actually happens is you stick needles into a particular part of your body which affects in a corresponding area within the brain. Tay Boon Sang was one of the principal exponents in the last century of acupuncture and brought the art to Bendigo, a city in Australia, where he arrived with these sharp instruments that I mentioned before, and stuck them into an unsuspecting Laska sailor who happened to be passing. Then he called for Soong Mai, his faithful chum, to extract these fiiiiiiiiiiine...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed because he couldnít think of another word to replace the word needle. And there are 22 seconds on acupuncture with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Acupuncture was invented inadvertently by a Chinese schoolboy who left a drawing pin on the seat of his English master! And the English master reacted...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two, two English masters.

NP: That was twice, yes. Yes there were. Clement you have nine and a half seconds to talk about acupuncture starting now.

CF: I once went to somebody who practised acupuncture and told him that I had headaches. And he said ďit is quite simple. Simply bare your arm and we will stick a...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, but heís still in third place behind Kenneth Williams. Derek Nimmoís the lead, and Peter Jones is going to begin the next round. And the subject is after the deluge. Will you tell us something on that subject Peter in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Apres nous le deluge. I think it was Madame Pompadour who made this remark. And it was of course looking ahead to the time when the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he couldnít remember when he was looking ahead to. Forty-seven seconds are left for after the deluge Clement starting now.

CF: The one absolutely certain fact after a deluge is that you get wet. Iím not really at this moment prepared to say very much before other than...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well he should shut up if heís not going to say anything! Let somebody else have a go!

CF: I said very much more. I had in mind about 44 seconds!

NP: I donít think he was actually deviating from the subject, at least you havenít given him the chance to prove he was. So it isnít a correct challenge Kenneth, and Clement continues with 37 seconds left starting now.

CF: The term is also used in its non-rain capacity when deluge is taken to express some sort of disaster like a setback in war, a battle which has gone the wrong way, or even adversity on the stock market. After the deluge, they say, all will be better. Or put another way, BP shares will go up 10p and you will be able to sell at some small profit which is unlikely these days, because life is disastrous and sad, miserable, wretched, horrible, awful, and there could easily be another election, and all of us might be...

WHISTLE

NP: I must point out to our listeners that they were clapping Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went and not for what he said. Because if we all believed that, I donít think weíd bother to continue with Just A Minute. Um so Clement, in spite of his lugubrious and miserable er outpourings did gain some points and has gone into second place. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject, Arthur Eric Roughton Gill. Would you tell us something about him in this game starting now.

KW: A wonderful inheritance we have gained from this remarkable and singular artist. Began as an architect, interested in building, and then turned his skills to carving in stone most beautiful things, some of which can still be seen to this day outside Broadcasting House. But probably the most famous contribution of Gillís was the sans serif type which is so distinguished and fine. The clean lines, the asymmetrical nature of that work, is in effect a testament to his searching, in the metaphysical sense, for the truth and goodness element which he claimed was essential to life itself. And for this reason he became a member of that Fadein group which is...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth took the subject which was obviously close to his heart, kept going magnificently for 60 seconds without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating and without being challenged. Itís a point for speaking when the whistle went, and a bonus for all the other attributes that he displayed during that round! Kenneth youíre back in the lead, alongside Derek Nimmo. And Clement Freud, your turn to begin, the subject, machines replacing people. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: One does tend to hear quite a bit about machines replacing people. And looking around the panellists of this game, one wonders what sort of machine might replace peter Jones? Possibly a steam engine or an electric typewriter. And for Derek Nimmo, what machine would replace...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of what. What machine, what machine.

NP: Oh yes.

DN: He got me on two ones just before, didnít he.

NP: Yeah but that was towards the end. Itís a petty challenge but...

DN: All right then, Iíll have a petty challenge, I donít mind.

NP: But it happens to be a correct one so...

DN: I fell into his trap! Give him a point!

NP: ...sticking to the rules of the game, and you would soon criticise me if I didnít do that, I, I say Derek you have a correct challenge and therefore you must have the subject and a point and 40 seconds on machines replacing people starting now.

DN: Motorcar firms in Italy are already advertising the fact that their cars are untouched by human hands. And itís frightening to think that machines have proceeded to this extent. With the... development of the civic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Clement. There are 28 seconds on machines replacing people with you starting now.

CF: I recently came across a sausage roll machine that promised that no ingredient had ever been near a human being. And perhaps that is what machines replacing human beings actually means. The machinnnnnnnnnnnne...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I thought he was coming to a halt, didnít you?

NP: He was and I know why he was coming to a halt.

KW: Why was that? Why was that?

NP: And the audience knows why as well! But the listeners donít and I will say that Kenneth was doing what we call nobbling the man who was sitting next to him, which is Clement Freud.

KW: No, he likes the propinquity!

NP: For those who donít understand Greek, I will explain that he was getting so close to Clement it was almost an affair! So Clement kept going magnificently but he did dry up, and Kenneth has got the subject, illicitly, but nonetheless he has won it. And there are 12 seconds on machines replacing men with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Such a thing could never happen, since the very nature, the individuality is something you could never produce in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of never.

NP: Yes thatís right. But donít letís have too many of these small words in the future. Weíve had...

KW: Quite right! Quite right! very good chairman! Quite right! Very good!

NP: But that was a correct...

CF: Itís all right when people do it to me!

NP: No!

CF: But itís not really, really satisfactory when I do...

KW: No, donít niggle! Donít niggle!

NP: No...

KW: Donít niggle Clement! Accept defeat! Canít you be humble like me? Iím just a part of the team! I donít try to show off or anything like that! I get in and help the others! Thatís what I care about! I donít even mind if Iím not scoring anything! I just donít care! I come all the way from Great Portland Street just to sacrifice myself!

NP: I hope you wonít mind when I say because that was a correct challenge, Clement Freud now has the subject.

KW: Right!

NP: And there are five seconds on machines replacing men, sorry, machines replacing people starting now.

CF: I donít believe the Concorde will ever be replaced by people because it travels so quickly...

WHISTLE

NP: I would have thought that was quite the reverse of the subject on the card, he could have been had for deviation, that would have been people replacing machines. But Clement you have another point for speaking as the whistle went and you now have the lead at the end of that round. And er Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round. Building a brick wall. Would you tell us something on that subject now...

DN: Hang on a moment!

NP: ... in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Building a brick wall, well, the first thing you need probably are bricks. And I would suggest either London stock or Aburn red. Perhaps you could intermingle the two of them together, make a very nice patchwork effect wouldnít it. When I first started building brick walls, it was some 25 years ago, I had a feeling that I was a reincarnated bricklayer, because I knew exactly what I had to do. And I used to dip them into water and put on a kind of cement or mortar which I used to make out of a little paper bag. And then gradually like Winston Churchill...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You canít make mortar out of a paper bag!

NP: You certainly canít! So that was deviation from um accuracy and truth and reality and there are 32 seconds for you Peter on building a brick wall starting now.

PJ: Well you put one brick on the ground and then you put mortar on top of that and the brick er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement?

CF: Deviation and er hesitation.

NP: Yes it wasnít deviation.

CF: No.

NP: Iím glad you havenít tried to build a brick wall Peter, because...

PJ: Yes!

NP: ...having got one brick on the ground, you forget what to do next. Wouldnít get very far! There are 25 seconds on building a brick wall with you Clement starting now.

CF: An interesting aspect of building brick walls is you need a lot of string before you even start. So that you can rope off the terrain and make sure that the wall that you are out to build is straight. That is if you want it to be in a line. Or circular, curved, rectangular or whatever. Bricks are of course essential. And ordinaries tend to be the kind of bricks that are most in demand for...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going till the whistle, an extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is Florida. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well Florida, like California as Fred Allen said, is fine if youíre an orange! But i wouldnít really want to live there, although the prevalence of this citrus fruit would make for good health probably. And the climate I believe is very pleasant. The beaches, the sea and the millions of tourists who come from all over the United States, flock...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No I didnít hear him hesitate.

DN: Oh. Right.

NP: Thirty-six seconds Peter, for you to keep going on Florida starting now.

PJ: Iím amazed at my good fortune!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: It didnít last very long, did it! Derek you have the subject, you have 35 seconds on Florida starting now.

DN: The last time I went to Florida was to visit Disney World. And gosh what an excitement to go on the Buccaneerís Ride, or the Haunted House. All those wonderful things that dear extraordinary man has provided for our delectation and entertainment. The hotels built within this magnificent complex are worthy of international standard. You go there on a monorail, and all the time you see Mickey Mouse, Pluto, Goofy, Donald Duck, all the chums that youíve grown to love over the years! And isnít this a lovely sight! And Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Perhaps they might be economising and going down to six these days. But value is always to be found in Florida, the land of sunshine, blue seas...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo kept going magnificently till the whistle went, gained that extra point. And with that magnificent flourish of his, heís brought the contest to an end. And so Iíll now give you the final score. Peter Jones was in fourth place, contributed a lot as usual, but didnít gain many points in the process. Kenneth Williams contributed more than usual and gained a lot of points. But he didnít quite get up to Derek Nimmoís number and he was behind our winner this week, who is Clement Freud! Well once again the contest and the fun of Just A Minute comes to an end, from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.