JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 February 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here t0 tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we have our four most experienced and skilful male players of Just A Minute who have come in together to play the game. Iím going to ask them as always to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And according to how well they do it, they will gain their points or lose them. And Clement Freud, will you begin. The subject is aniseed balls. Would you talk about that delightful subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: I have a daughter called Emma who is just 11, who doesnít believe that plants come from bulbs. But thinks instead that they are derived from balls. And recently trying to get tulips, daffodils and hyacinth in our garden, she came to me and asked what sort of... globular...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I agree that he did pause long enough to be called hesitation. So as I agree with your challenge Derek, you gain a point and you take over the subject and there are 41 seconds left, aniseed balls starting now.

DN: I met Mister Seed at 146 Berrinew Road, Bolton in Lancashire. Anna was his third daughter, particularly attractive girl, but she did have an unusual phenomena. And this was that she collected...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít have one unusual phenomena!

DN: Had an unusual...

CF: Phenomenon.

NP: It should be one unusual phenomenon. Clement has a point for a correct challenge and 25 seconds on aniseed balls starting now.

CF: ďGo to a local gardening centre,Ē I said, ďand any seed balls will do very well to get you the sort of plantation that you wish to have one the allotment which we rent for such a very modest fee from the local borough council...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well deviation, weíve strayed a long way from borough council and everything else, from aniseed balls, havenít we? I mean, i was frankly wondering what had happened to the aniseed balls, you see.

NP: Well actually if you challenge on the fact that it was deviation to send his daughter to get er, the gardening centre to get aniseed balls to grow plants, I would have said yes. The borough council owned the plot of land where they gardened so....

KW: Whatís that got to do with aniseed balls?

NP: You may well ask! But according to Clement Freud, he had established in my mind the relationship between his daughter, aniseed balls and bulbs which brought in gardening. So I think he wasnít actually deviating from the subject on the card. There are eight seconds left with you Clement, aniseed balls starting now.

CF: You race into a confectionerís shop and ask for...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of shop.

NP: Ah yes, the gardening centre, it wasnít a shop he went to. The gardening centre she went to. Sorry...

KW: Well deviation then, get him on that! Because he just said you can only get them from gardening centres, now heís getting them from a sweet shop! I mean where is he getting them? The borough council? The gardening centre?

NP: I donít think heís mentioned shop before. Have you mentioned shop before Clement?

CF: No, no.

NP: I donít think so.

DN: I thought when she was getting the bulbs...

CF: No, no.

NP: No, that was the gardening centre.

DN: No...

NP: You do have to listen in this show, donít you? Um, four and half seconds on aniseed balls Clement starting now.

CF: You suck them and they can be any colour at all, although the shade would...

WHISTLE

NP: At last, in the last four seconds Clement got on to what we all know aniseed balls to be, sweets that children suck, and completely confused us all by talking about the devious things he said to his poor daughter! And nobody challenged him on it! So Clement you were speaking as the whistle went, so you gain an extra point for doing that. The whistle as you know tells us that 60 seconds is up. You have a commanding lead over everybody else at the end of that round. Peter Jones, you please begin the second round. The subject is spreading alarm. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Well alarm, in the sense you mean it, I think, is associated with despondency. And the spreading of both these qualities, or whatever they are, was urged during the war. Because they er, through the medium...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he was getting thoroughly confused, werenít you!

PJ: Yes I was rather, yes.

NP: You looked rather relieved actually to be released from your alarm. Forty-four seconds are left for spreading alarm with you Derek starting now.

DN: Unlike butter or strawberry jam or even margarine, I find it much more complicated to spread alarm. Because when you do, you find that the bread is overladen with this heavy despondent quality which makes sugar and rice crispies seem interminably large. And one does find that along comes the spread... Iím talking absolute rubbish and nobodyís challenging me? Why doesnít somebody challenge? (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Derek you have been challenged.

DN: And then it comes from the human hand...

NP: Before you started to spread alarm...

DN: Theyíre not very quick on the uptake, thatís all I can say.

NP: When you asked for the challenge, he very courteously came in. What was it Clement?

CF: Repetition of hahahaha.

NP: Right, Clement Freud you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 12 seconds on spreading alarm starting now.

CF: Thereís a lady whoís sitting on the gangway in the fifth row and if she looks under her seat she would find a bomb...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, there are no ladies on the fifth row.

NP: There are plenty of ladies on the fifth row, I can see them. And thereís one looking under her seat right now! So even if thereís no bomb there, Clement Freud has certainly been spreading alarm in what he was saying. So he keeps the subject and there are four seconds left starting now.

CF: I therefore suggest that everyone gets out of this theatre...

WHISTLE

NP: Thank goodness you only had four seconds. If heíd gone on, he probably would have had you all out of the theatre, heís very good at spreading alarm. Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, youíve gained another point, you are way in the lead. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin. The subject, how to liven things up. And this subject has not just been thought of by me, because Ian Messiter picks the subjects before the game starts. And how apt it can be. But can you try and talk about the subject now for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: The best way to liven things up at this particular moment would be to go to the fifth row of the stalls and extract the bomb from underneath the lady, and put it underneath Nichols... Parsonsí hat in the basin behind...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: I thought I detected hesitation, you see.

NP: Hesitation?

KW: Mmmm.

NP: Well yes...

KW: Stumbled, he did.

NP: Whatís that?

KW: A definite stumble.

NP: Yeah he definitely stumbled yes. I thought you were going to have deviation for Nichols. The um, there are 49 seconds...

DN: Your name is Nichols because youíre so mean!

NP: Kenneth you have 49 seconds on how to liven things up starting now.

KW: The thing to do is immediately establish new rhythms. The adrenaline flow, the blood circulates round the blood and cry out...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?

DN: Two bloods.

NP: Yes. I hate to have to say it but you were getting a little bit too bloody there.

KW: Well I was mixing up the phagocytes with the lubasites.

NP: Yes, the blood was...

KW: You must stimulate the phagocytes. Thatís the only way. Theyíre the ones that rush to the rescue and when you get a scab, thatís all the phagocytes dying on your behalf as the new tissue builds up behind them. Isnít that a fantastic thing? They all die on your behalf!

NP: If you want to talk about the phagocytes, play a...

KW: Oh I could tell you things that would make your hair curl, mate! Oh!

NP: Thirty-two seconds from you Derek on how to liven things up starting now.

DN: My aunt Beatrice Mason who lives in Plasuture Avenue in Prestatyn in North Wales is the life and soul of every party. And I hire her out to my closest friends who want the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Hiring out your aunt.

NP: Yes...

CF: Itís against the public interest!

NP: And to his closest friends as well!

CF: Yes.

NP: I canít believe if, if Iím wrong in this challenge Beatrice, Aunt Beatrice, will you please write in and I will try and make it up to Derek Nimmo. But at the moment I canít believe...

DN: I donít see what, how I deviated from the subject!

NP: Because we donít believe that you hire out your Aunt Beatrice to your closest friends.

PJ: Anyway...

DN: Oh we have to tell the truth now?

KW: It sounds to me they shouldnít laugh at anything outside the curtains, dear!

NP: The whole thought...

PJ: It was advertising, wasnít it! Advertising his aunt!

NP: I think itís a devious idea, hiring out your aunt...

DN: What about his poor daughters pressing their aniseed balls in the garden?

NP: But you never challenged!

DN: Is it, arenít we allowed to talk about our relations? Is that a new rule?

NP: Yes...

PJ: Yes but we are not allowed to say that they are for hire!

NP: No...

DN: Please tell why itís not what I say it is...

NP: All right then! All right! I will put it to the audience, I disagree, you are the final judges. If you believe that thatís ah, the things that Derek was saying about hiring out his aunt for gain is devious which I do, then you will agree with Clement Freud and you will cheer. If you disagree with Clement Freud you will boo and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They all believe that hiring your aunt out for gain is not devious!

DN: No, so Iím right!

NP: Thatís what the audience says, theyíre all...

DN: Yes!

NP: Iím sorry Aunt Beatrice, Iím on your side if youíre listening. I wouldnít be hired out for gain but...

PJ: Pretty demoralised crowd weíre trying to entertain, arenít they!

NP: Four seconds for you on how to liven things up Derek starting now.

DN: Pulling crackers and shouting ďknees up, Mother BrownĒ gives the enjoyment to absolutely everybody...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Actually we know whoís got the audience with them this week! But um Derek, Peter Jones did challenge actually before the whistle went...

DN: When?

NP: Just before, what was it?

PJ: Well it was a hesitation just before the whistle went.

NP: Youíre right, I heard him pause Peter.

PJ: You heard it, didnít you.

NP: Yeah just before the whistle, I heard a hesitation. Didnít you? Did you not hear a hesitation.

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ AND ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Youíre prejudiced! Peter Jones you have half a second on how to liven things up starting now.

PJ: Well lights...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Peter Jones has got two points, Kenneth Williams has got one point. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, what to do with the hole in the donut. That is the subject that Ian Messiterís thought of for you...

DN: The hole...

NP: So can you talk about what to do with the hole in the donut for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Itís pretty difficult to spend 60 seconds on discussing what to do with the hole in the donut, because when youíve said "fill it", it is left only to discuss the methods of filling and the means whereby this could be effected. Jam is a very popular substance, but lemon curd or even cream has been known to be inserted into the midst of this mass of pastry before it is sugared and fried in deep fat. In the Army where people...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Well it isnít made of pastry. Itís made of dough.

CF: Dough...

PJ: Doughnut! Itís made of dough!

KW: Amazing really Clem lent himself open there to that! Because heís supposed to be an expert isnít he, on all this food business.

PJ: Exactly! Yes!

KW: Amazing he laid himself open like that!

NP: Itís probably classified as a pastry, but I think we give it to him because of the dough. Donít you Clement?

CF: Yes.

NP: Good! I like it when theyíre sporting, it does help me so much! Otherwise I get so pained afterwards with the fisticuffs. Um, 30 seconds on what to do with the hole in the donut Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: Well of course quite apart from filling it with cream, flavoured or otherwise, you can peer through it at a number of things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation, you really canít!

NP: Well if you lift a donut up to your eye, you can peer through it because itís got a large hole.

CF: No, no, no it doesnít come out the other side...

NP: Oh yes, you are thinking, you forget the round donuts...

DN: Oh the round donuts.

NP: ... that have a hole that goes right through...

DN: A hole right through.

NP: You can put them on your finger.

KW: No, no, no, that is not a donut, that is a donut ring, which is quite another thing.

NP: Itís still a donut! Itís no a donut, itís a donut ring? Well if itís not a donut, what is it?

KW: Iím afraid, no, Iím afraid Clement is quite right. The hole in the donut...

PJ: No, it is a ring donut!

KW: ...is not a donut ring! That wouldnít do at all!

PJ: It is a donut, just the same!

KW: Weíre talking about a donut and that would not do at all!

NP: I think, Kenneth put it perfectly well...

KW: The perfect...

NP: Oh shut up Kenneth! When he said itís not a donut, itís a donut ring. Peter Jones you keep the subject and there are 20 seconds on what to do with a hole in the donut starting now.

PJ: You can thread raffia through a number of holes in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, there is no question about this! Nobody would go round putting raffia through donuts! I can tell you this Iíve never heard such utter rubbish in my life!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: You earlier on accused a member of this team of talking balderdash! You stood there and said it! Sat there actually!

NP: I didnít say anything, Peter Jones said... now listen! If you want to put a bit of raffia through a hole in the donut, you can have a wonderful party game by holding it up and seeing who can bite the most out of it! Peter Jones you have another point and you have 17 seconds on what to do with the hole in a donut starting now.

PJ: And make a kind of necklace which can be decorative and be very handy if you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, Iíve never seen anyone going around in a necklace! Donut necklaces!

NP: Iíve never seen anybody with a donut necklace but itís perfectly possible if you were kinky and...

KW: Out of your own mouth youíve convicted yourself, itís deviation...

NP: He has not deviated...

KW: You said that was kinky! Thatís devious! Iíve never heard anything more devious in my life! Thatís kinky, he said, didnít he! You heard him say it! Whatís more devious than that!

NP: He has not deviated from the subject on the card which is what to do with the hole in the donut. Heís put raffia round it and heís put it round his neck. He can do what he likes with it, providing he doesnít deviate from the subject. He has 11 seconds on what to do with the hole in the donut, Peter Jones, starting now.

PJ: It can be extremely helpful if you feel like a nibble and want to eat something before you take it off...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The one thing you canít nibble is the hole in the donut!

PJ: But I didnít, I didnít say you could eat the hole!

NP: You did establish...

PJ: You thread them through the hole, you make a necklace of the donuts and then you nibble them!

KW: Donít try and wriggle out of it mate! Donít try!

DN: Heís right!

PJ: Whoís right?

DN: You are.

NP: The subject is the hole in the donut!

PJ: Heís right! Derek Nimmo says Iím right!

NP: Well Derek Nimmoís against me entirely through the show anyway! You were talking about, the subject is what to do with the hole in the donut, and you talked about eating so you were either deviating from the subject or else you were deviating...

PJ: Well naturally you eat the hole with the rest of the donut! Itís not done to ignore the hole and leave it at the side of the plate!

NP: All right, they both chalked up metaphorical points for cleverness and rapport and wit! But Clement, Derek ah...

KW: Ah he doesnít even know whatís he talking about! Heís terrible!

NP: Whatís his name? Clement Freud he has a point for a correct challenge. What to do with the hole in the donut Clement, four seconds, starting now.

CF: In the Royal Navy there was a directive...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, the Royal Navy has nothing to do with donuts, they have rum!

NP: He hadnít got going, he has two seconds left on what to do with the hole in the donut starting now.

CF: Whereas the Air Force...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh Kenneth all that happens if you challenge too soon before he establishes the connection between the donut and the Navy, he gets the extra point. Heís slightly increased his lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject, relaxation. Can you talk to us about relaxation for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: To lie in a hammock on a May day between two trees with a good book, the sun above oneís head, and a feeling of contentment is something which we all strive for. I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation, I think itís something Iíve never striven for!

NP: So you think itís devious when he says we all strive for it. Some people, well I suppose...

CF: Utterly untrue!

PJ: It is, in any case, many of us have actually achieved it!

NP: Well there we are! Some have achieved it! Some strive for it, but I think itís probably, if you have to be accurate and tough about it, not all of us strive for it. So Clement I must agree with the challenge...

DN: If youíd let me complete my sentence, you would...

NP: What was the end of your sentence?

DN: Well something that we all strive for with the exception of Clement Freud and Peter Jones! You didnít let me finish my sentence!

NP: I know, well after all I did give you time to think of it, didnít I! Clement you have 43 seconds on relaxation starting now.

CF: Perhaps the epitome of relaxation is sitting in a theatre in London listening to Derek Nimmo talking about lying between two trees in a hammock...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, thatís not relaxing, itís boring!

CF: Out of your own mouth!

DN: Indeed!

NP: Oh dear! So what is the challenge?

DN: Deviation! He said it was the epitome of relaxation, I said it wasnít relax...

CF: I find it very relaxed.

NP: You find it relaxing, all right, so we donít all find it relaxing. So I gave it against Derek last time, I have to give it against you Clement to be fair, because we donít all find it relaxing. Derek you have the subject back, 32 seconds on relaxation starting now.

DN: Another place that I find extraordinarily relaxing is a funeral parlour. I climbed into a handily adjacent coffin, lie down...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Oh this is disgusting! I mean itís nothing to do with relaxation! Itís positively gruesome, macabre and horrible!

NP: And itís devious...

KW: Nothing to do with relaxation! He doesnít go into funeral parlours and lie in coffins and you know it!

NP: You think heís devious, I quite agree! Thatís the word I was waiting for you to say! Fifteen seconds on relaxation starting now.

KW: One of the best ways to achieve this is to let a fair maiden rub you all over...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, I know what youíre going to say!

DN: It wouldnít be at all relaxing! Very stimulating! Deviation!

NP: I have to give it to you Derek, yes, I agree. The relaxation you referred to is what you feel afterwards!

KW: Oh I never knew that!

NP: You donít feel the relaxation...

KW: I always drop off!

NP: You donít feel the relaxation at the time, it is stimulation at the time whether it be massage or, or what you just described! Derek I agree with your challenge, there are eight seconds on relaxation starting now.

DN: Relaxation can be obtained by going to places like Frinton where the sun shines intermittently but youíre able to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: The sun doesnít shine in Frinton! Itís well known! They have storms there!

NP: He did actually say it shines intermittently.

KW: Oh did he?

NP: Yes.

KW: I didnít catch that! I think my hearing might be going, you know!

NP: No, you actually challenged on the sun shining and his intermittently came out through the buzzer.

KW: Oh heís still got it, has he?

NP: Yes Iím afraid so. Two seconds with you Derek on relaxation starting now.

DN: In Kathmandu thereís a wigwam which...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point. Kenneth Williams weíre now going to hear from you and the subject is making a spectacular exit starting now.

KW: You must build up for an enormous climax! And then hold it for one moment, bow and with enor...

BUZZ

KW: What happened?

NP: Clement Freud challenged you, thatís what happened.

KW: Whatís your challenge Clement?

CF: Hesitation on the second enormous.

NP: Yes because he was intimidated, yes.

CF: Oh.

NP: Yes he was by the fit of giggles that came over most people here. Iím er, Kenneth if you will please continue on the subject of making a spectacular exit for 50 seconds starting now.

KW: Say to them all ďgood-bye, I love you from the depth of my being, from my bowels! I... I want to...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged, why?

DN: Well obviously if heís saying good-bye from his bowels, I donít think thatís spectacular, itís just lavatorial!

KW: Well actually the phrase was used by Oliver Cromwell!

DN: Deviation! Deviation!

KW: Oliver Cromwell said to the Commons, ďI beg you from my bowels!Ē

NP: Yes...

KW: If it was good enough for Oliver Cromwell, Protector of England!

DN: But he wasnít making an exit at the time, was he!

KW: He should have been!

NP: He made an exit soon after, I can assure you! Kenneth, I agree. If youíre making a spectacular exit, itís quite possible that you could do it from your bowels!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So you have 40 seconds on making a spectacular exit starting now.

KW: Then turn towards the grave trap. Stand on that position. And when it goes, disappear with such astonishing effect that the audience gasp and say ďohhhhhhhh! What a fantastic departure! Isnít he brilliant!Ē And the cheering breaks out, wave after wave of applause...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of wave.

NP: Too many waves, Iím afraid.

KW: Oh yes!

NP: You were making such a...

DN: Youíve got to wave if youíre saying good-bye, havenít you! I mean...

NP: He was making such a spectacular ah exit that he was waving too much for Just A Minute because he couldnít repeat the word. Clement I agree with the challenge, you have a point, with 19 seconds on making a spectacular exit starting now.

CF: The most spectacular exit I have ever seen was in a theatre in which a man painted in aluminium what the Americans call aluminum. Reared...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition, it was the same word, doesnít matter aluminum, aluminium, itís the same word. Repetition!

NP: Aluminium and aluminium.

DN: Itís exactly the same word, different pronunciation.

NP: Well I think they are spelt differently. One is the American spelling and oneís the British.

DN: Whatís the difference between the spelling?

NP: I donít know! Iím going to put it to the audience! Iím not going to judge on aluminum and aluminium. Some people think theyíre different, some people think theyíre the same. Let us hear what our audience think...

DN: I mean, are tomay-toes and tomatoes different?

NP: Iím not going to make a decision at this particular moment of this particular show. So will you be the final judge. By the way aluminum is spelled A-L-U-M-I-N-I-U-M, and aluminium is spelled A-L-U-M-I-N-U-M... Ian Messiter says itís the other way around. You can judge for yourselves! but you be the judge. Do you agree with the repetition that Derek challenged on. And if you agree, you can cheer, and if you disagree, you can boo, and will you all do it together please now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Absolutely equal, no points, the situation the same. But you continue, there are eight seconds left on making a spectacular exit Clement starting now.

CF: The cow which was watching from the wings raced on as he...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud cleverly kept going on a difficult subject right up until the whistle. He gained this point for speaking when the whistle went and alas, we have no more time for Just A Minute so I have to give you the final score. Kenneth Williams was just in fourth place, one point behind Peter Jones, who was a few points behind Derek Nimmo, who was a few points behind our winner once again this week Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and will want to tune in again next time. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.