JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 11 March 1980)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. (coughs) My voice has gone already. Anyway theyíre going to speak as usual if they can on the subject I will give them and try and do it without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show with Kenneth Williams and who better? Kenneth has won many accolades in his time and the subject is my accolade. So Kenneth will you talk on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: My accolade would be given for utter scrupulosity, fineness of character and honourable and charitable disposition. And there are few people that I can think who would ever chal, have a chance I mean, of winning it. Because I mean, I demand a standard...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of I mean.

IAN MESSITER: Yes.

NP: Yes you did say I mean before. So Derek Nimmo you have a correct challenge, a point for that, and you take over the subject of my accolade and there are 38 and a half seconds left starting now.

DN: My accolade would of course be given to Kenneth Williams! For his generosity of nature, his high intelligence, absolute and unquestionable ability. A finer example of British youth have I ever met. Here is a man that is at the very pinnacle of...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, Iím 53!

NP: A youthful 53, but a correct challenge as well. So Kenneth you have the subject back and there are 18 seconds on my accolade starting now.

KW: My accolade would be definitely given for purposes of um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of given.

NP: Yes because you gave your accolade out...

KW: Youíve got a marvellous memory, havenít you!

NP: There are 18 seconds, sorry, there are 13 seconds on my accolade with you Derek starting now.

DN: Standing nightly in the theatre with his modesty and humility. Everyone would acclaim and indeed do this extraordinary magnificent amazing 53 -year old who fills...

WHISTLE

NP: Ian Messiter blowing his whistle after 60 seconds tells us the time is up and whoever speaks at that moment gains the extra point. It was of course Derek Nimmo who has the lead at the end of the first round. Peter Jones would you take the second round, the subject is bubbles. Would you talk on that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: When I think of bubbles, I think of Bubbles Laverne who was one of the best endowed and most talented of striptease dancers. She often used balloons, not actually bubbles, but, or at least I think they were. They were certainly inflated! And she used to blow them up and toss them around the stage, and very dextrous, er, very um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Two verys and a bit of hesitation.

NP: Yes there was indeed. I could see the look on his face, he was caught up in the act and um...

PJ: I was rather carried away by the memories!

NP: Thatís the expression I was searching for Peter. But er well done. Thirty seconds are left with Derek Nimmo on bubbles starting now.

DN: I always have a theory that in champagne, the smaller the bubble, the better the brew. And I think this would be supported even by Mister Freud. Another time that I think of bubbles is when...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of think.

NP: Yes right.

KW: You were told not to observe these small words. The chairman mentioned that before. He said donít keep picking on these tiny words. Now thatís...

NP: Thatís not a tiny word.

KW: ... a very good point heís made.

NP: Thatís a verb you know, I donít...

KW: Yeah theyíre small piddling things really. I mean, come on. Letís have a bit of generosity of spirit. Bigger! Letís have a bigger attitude! Warmer generous attitude!

BUZZ

KW: Come along! Come along!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of bigger!

NP: Yes! If we couldnít use verbs, Iím afraid it would be er um impossible to continue the game or even speak. So Clement, I agree with your challenge, you have a point, 19 seconds, bubbles starting now.

CF: I hardly ever think of Bubbles Laverne these days. But the word bubbles conjures up in my mind those things in cartoons which contain the words thought of by the character depicted in the picture or the strip or whatever publication you seem to have bought...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point, but heís only in second place. Derek Nimmo is still in the lead. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject, the most pleasing city I have visited. We know you have been to quite a few. Tell us about one of them starting now.

DN: I think the most pleasing city that I have ever visited is Adelaide in South Australia. Founded by Captain Light whose father was a colonel at the start of Penang for the British. Itís a wonderful piece of town planning because there in the centre of the city is a cathedral. Round that is the tennis courts, rather like Wimbledon, a beautiful oval for cricket. I see that Britain, England, have been playing there quite recently. And I find that the mass of green around this city with a river Avon flowing through it is particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of around.

NP: Yes you had around before. And Peter has a correct challenge and there are 25 and a half seconds with you Peter, the most pleasing city I have visited starting now.

PJ: Well I think the city of London, particularly at the weekend is one of the most pleasing cities that I have visited. There are no shops open, there are very few people. And although one can get a drink at a few pubs, generally speaking...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of few.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid thatís right. Eight seconds are left on the most pleasing city Iíve visited Derek starting now.

DN: Also there is the arts complex. Three magnificent theatres with an outdoor auditorium as well from which at night...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo increased his lead at the end of that round. And Clement Freud will you take the next round, the subject, water divining. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: Iíve never really understood why people should want to divine water. Because wherever one goes, the stuff is thrust at one. I havenít been in a BBC studio without people giving me at least two jugs and a glass, in case in the middle of whatever I was going to do, I had this enormous urge to consume water. WC Fields has my sympathy when he explained why he did not drink, and he said itís because of what fish do in it. Though actually...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís talking about water, but not water divining.

NP: I agree with your challenge Peter, you have 30 seconds and you take over water divining starting now.

PJ: One of the most unfortunate water diviners I ever heard of went bankrupt because he kept giving his clients very bad advice, saying ďdrill hereĒ. They never found anything and it was only after he would, er, been in a desert prison...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes.

PJ: I just have to finish it because itís quite amusing. He was in with, after he was put in the desert prison, it was found he was suffering from water on the knee!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: He was always getting a wrong reading obviously! There are 17 seconds for water divining with you Clement starting now.

CF: The art of water divining seems to involve people holding twigs of wood between thumb and forefinger, and walking across...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, they have to hold the twig firmly with each hand. Both hands have to be held very firmly.

NP: Thatís right.

PJ: Nothing to do with thumb and forefinger.

KW: No! Quite right!

NP: Yes.

KW: Quite right! Very good Peter! Very well observed! Very good! Hear hear!

CF: There really is not, different water diviners use different holds on the divining rod.

KW: No!

NP: And weíre obviously going to get lots of letters from water diviners throughout the world on this. But...

CF: Ask the audience! They know about things like this!

NP: I think weíll leave it to er...

KW: Hear hear! Very good chairman! Hear hear! Knows his job! Knows his job!

NP: I donít think any... is there a water diviner in the audience? No? So I have to make the decision. Peter I agree thatís the general way of doing it so you have the subject. There are seven seconds on water divining starting now.

PJ: It is has to be made of hazel wood, otherwise it wonít work...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of wood.

NP: Yes you did.

CF: Halewood is hyphenated.

NP: Is it?

CF: Yes. Halewood.

NP: Oh thank you very much...

CF: Like Hazelmere!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Like Hazelmere! Um so with your friends help over here, you keep the subject Peter, and you keep going with water divining, three seconds left starting now.

PJ: Theyíre not in such great demand these days as they used to be...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones kept going till the whistle went, gained that extra point, and heís now in second place, one behind our leader Derek Nimmo, one ahead of Clement Freud, and two or three ahead of Kenneth Williams. And people who live in Hazelmere, please donít write in and say youíre not hyphenated.

CF: Many people...

NP: Mmmm?

CF: Most people who live in Hazelmere are hyphenated!

NP: Kenneth will you take the next round, and the subject is Marshal Soult. Can you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Not a very edifying picture, Iím afraid, is going to be painted of this individual. He started off, I believe he was promoted eventually to Marshal of France by Bonaparte. And then was created after the Peace of Telsit, Marshal as well, of some other thing, and then Duke of Dalmatia. And then he came to this battle, terrible affair, Austerlitz. And then of course Napoleon fell from grace, well he went off to Elba, didnít he. And then he said ďwell Iíll turn royalistĒ you see ...

BUZZ

NP: So Derek Nimmo challenged you.

DN: Three and thens.

NP: Yes you did have three and thens. So he let you get away with one. Derek there are 19 seconds left for Marshal Soult starting now.

DN: He was created Duke of Dalmatia because he was frightfully spotty. And therefore he would wander round the streets saying ďhello old saltyĒ in a kind of disparaging sort of way. And after the battle...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two sorts.

NP: Yes, Clement you have five seconds on Marshal Soult starting now.

CF: Marshal Soult was of course known as LíMarshal in France where he achieved high office...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo still in the lead. Clement Freud has pulled up a little into second place one ahead of Peter Jones, and Kenneth is in fourth place. And Peter begins the next round. Peter the subject is the writing on the wall. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute.

PJ: Well I saw this poster saying ďin outer space no-one can hear you scream" and someone had written underneath...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well itís the writing on the wall, not on a poster.

PJ: Well the poster was on the wall.

CF: But the writing was on the poster.

NP: Oh I think... all right, listen. I think we give him a point for a very clever challenge but he wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject. So Peter keeps the subject...

PJ: How can it be a clever challenge if heís er challenging something that I havenít done? I donít understand.

NP: Because the writing was on...

PJ: I thought it was an idiotic challenge!

NP: ...the poster, not on the wall. The poster was on the wall but the writing was on the poster so thereís a subtlety and so I give a point for him spotting that...

KW: You call that subtle? Oh dear! Hahaha! Itís like a cart load of monkeys! What rubbish!

NP: Right Peter, the writing on the wall is still with you and you have 47 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And I often find that on the walls of different places that I visit, the most amusing comments by humorists who are really quite inventive. Like the classic one of ďa happy Christmas to all our readersĒ! I always enjoy that. It comes round at least once a year. And the er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well there was a lot of erring going on.

NP: Yes. He was er...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: He erred indeed there and there are 26 seconds for you to talk on the writing on the wall starting now.

KW: The moving finger writes and having writ moves on. Nor all your prayers...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well if you canít... I mean the finger canít actually write. This is a Freud type challenge! It has to be....

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: It has to be holding a pen, pencil, piece of chalk, ball-point or whatever.

NP: If weíre going to have all these kind of metaphysical challenges...

PJ: Is that metaphysical?

NP: Well what the... I donít know, but you canít... go on, do you want the audience to judge on this one?

PJ: No, just the extra point, congratulations and move on!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter I think youíre absolutely incredible. Congratulations! Thatís a marvellously clever and inventive challenge.

PJ: Thank you very much.

NP: You get a bonus point for that, Iíve never heard such subtlety and wit and metaphysical thinking and erudition.

PJ: Very good.

NP: And so you have a bonus point for your impossible challenge.

PJ: Well done!

NP: Kenneth Williams keeps the subject with 17 seconds on the writing on the wall starting now.

KW: When something is presaged propitiously they often say he has seen the writing on the wall. Meaning that he has gained through this prescient nature some indication of what will occur in time...

WHISTLE

NP: So much to the pleasure of our audience Kenneth Williams kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and is still in fourth place. But heís only just behind Peter Jones and heís only one point behind our joint leaders who are now Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is freeze. Can you talk on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: The most beautiful freeze that I ever saw was in Herculeneum, the ancient city via Naples, on the wall of a beautiful house. And there was this sort of Bacchanalian orgy taking place. And one could see all kinds of funny people leaping all over the place. And a lady came up behind me and said ďwhy are those two young men playing leapfrog?í And they werenít!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: I thought this was quite a treat. And during a credit freeze, then we all must rally to the Government in the day. And try and put...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well a bit of a, it went to pieces a bit there. Government in the day and everything. And after his comments about your lack of taste...

NP: Yes.

PJ: ... I thought his own er...

KW: No, no, not at all! Thatís in the eye of the beholder! Itís your dirty mind! No! Not at all! I know the city heís talking about and Iíve seen that freeze that heís talking about. Very fine and very colourful it is.

PJ: Well I...

KW: You havenít been there! Youíre ignorant! You know nothing about it! Why donít you shut your row!

PJ: I may not have been there but I certainly have a dirty mind!

KW: Yes!

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: A constant source of pleasure and interest!

NP: So back to Just A Minute, what was your challenge Peter?

PJ: Er it was a kind of hesitation.

NP: Thatís a new one weíre bringing in, a kind of.

PJ: Not, well yes yes.

NP: No, actually he didnít hesitate, I must be fair.

PJ: No?

NP: No, alas.

PJ: Pity really!

NP: Yes, pity for the rest of us because weíd rather hear from you than Derek Nimmo obviously. But he still has...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And by the audience reaction that is endorsed. But I have to be fair within the game and in spite of what Derek says about me, he keeps the subject with another point and there are five and a half seconds on freeze starting now.

DN: Nicholas Parsons is not only a freeze, but a frost!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Yes! And we canít have too much of Nicholas Parsons even in Just A Minute. So um...

DN: I think weíve already had too much of Nicholas Parsons!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If the audience clap those remarks, you know I do have the power to clear the studio! Ah Peter Jones Iím delighted to say that you have a point for that and Derek Nimmo has lost the subject and you take over the freeze with three seconds to go starting now.

PJ: Youíve often cleared halls in which youíve appeared, I know that...

WHISTLE

LOUD LONG LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes! Derek Nimmo is laughing and um...

DN: I was not alone!

NP: No, but you should be! Letís give the score at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams is still in fourth place. Clement Freud is in second place and heís one point behind our new joint leaders Derek Nimmo with Peter Jones. Clement your turn to begin and the subject is losing. Can you tell us something about that in this round, losing, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Losing is something as a nation we are very good at. And of course losing is only a disaster if youíve set your heart on winning. In Just A Minute, losing is something which Peter Jones excels at. He gives amazing value for the time he is on, and amasses a minimal number of points in order consistently or fairly frequently at any rate to be last or in penultimate position. You lose in Just A Minute which Iíve repeated before...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Just A Minute.

NP: Yes. And Derek you have the subject now, there are 28 seconds on losing starting now.

DN: I am one of the people who have lost out in life. I feel Iíve led a very sheltered existence. I always wanted to win but somehow, time is passing by. And an increasing air of misery and despondency fills me, particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation! Thatís absolute rubbish! Heís not missed out on anything! Sitting here in one of those expensive suits! He goes around in a Rolls Royce! Never stops talking about all these fascinating places heís been to abroad!

NP: Yes...

KW: And he says lifeís passing him by! Itís landed right on his doorstep!

NP: I quite agree Kenneth! I think he passed life by so fast he didnít even see it going! So Kenneth you have a correct challenge and 11 seconds on losing starting now.

KW: This is something we all do, since the moment you are born you are nearer to your grave and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What?

CF: It was a petty challenge, I, I, I...

NP: I know, so Clement, Kenneth Williams gets a point for an incorrect challenge.

CF: Yes.

NP: Very petty. Four seconds on, four seconds still with you Kenneth on the subject of losing starting now.

KW: Losing has to be dome, as I do it, with good grace, with charm, with easy manner...

WHISTLE

NP: And they were very generous there. He put four withs in two seconds. But Kenneth you kept going till the whistle, gained an extra point. And you are now, you are now in last place Iím afraid. But you are alongside Clement Freud and who better? One of the great winners of the game. And you are both only one point behind Peter Jones who is only one point behind Derek Nimmo. Isnít it exciting!

SOME SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh? Please yourselves as they say. Ah Kenneth your turn to begin, and the subject, the next series. So Kenneth will you talk on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: The next series carries the message, of course, of continuity. And hope that all this will be the same. But at the same time one must admit in discussing it there is an awful pang and tearing at the heartstrings as one realises it os for this adieu, auf widersersehin. And hang my heart on a weeping willow tree and sit upon my granmaís knee. Because that is the recipe for any series. The knee position for...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Too many knees up.

NP: Yes. That is right Derek, you have 30 seconds now to talk on the next series starting now.

DN: I doubt whether for me there will be a next series. I seem to have ...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation, he knows very well heís in it! Itís rubbish to sit there and say I doubt for me, and all this nonsense!

NP: Well um...

DN: Nicholas do you think Iím going to be in the next series or not?

NP: Well, itís nothing to do with me, casting!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: We know what it would be, if it was to do with you!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I can tell you, if I had anything to do with...

KW: Yes youíd sack us! Come on! Come out with it! Come on! Admit it!

DN: Come clean!

NP: I suffer here the slings and arrows of your outrageous behaviour, because I know itís all in a good cause, and the show goes well as a result...

PJ: Is it going to charity?

NP: Well said Peter! I donít know what the challenge was but I donít think Derek deserves it. And Kenneth you keep the subject of the next series, and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: What is remarkable about the very saying, the next series, is that it contains this promise. Once again the dulcet tones of yours truly will be heard on the air...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, he hasnít got dulcet tones! Heís very noisy!

NP: I think I will put this to the wiser judgement of our audience. If you think that Kenneth Williams has dulcet tones, you cheer for him. And if you think he hasnít, you boo. You all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth for some unbelievable reason they think you have dulcet tones. That means that Derek had an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, you have 13 seconds to continue starting now.

KW: Well of course I can alter my tones at will. And to think...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From the previous dulcet tones.

NP: But he was still on the subject of the next series. So he didnít deviate from the subject on the card, he keeps going with nine seconds on the subject of the next series starting now.

KW: And one looks forward with joy to the chairmanship of Nicholas Parsons. Again triumphing! A very...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He canít be triumphing again, because he hasnít triumphed yet!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: That is your opinion and I donít think...

DN: Can we put it to the audience?

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: If you wish. If you wish to cheer for the triumph of Kenneth Williams and the challenge, or boo for Kenneth Williams, all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They agree with you Peter actually. So you get the subject, youíve got one second to talk on it, the next series, starting now.

PJ: Iím going to try harder!

WHISTLE

NP: So we come to the end of the show alas. And for once our many time winner Clement Freud finished in fourth place. He was just behind Kenneth Williams which is an incredible place to be. And um Kenneth was only just behind Derek Nimmo, which is a very uncomfortable place to be. And Derek was actually behind the best place to be, the winning place which was held by Peter Jones! So once again the contest and the fun of Just A Minute comes to an end but we hope that youíll tune in again. Till then from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.