JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 April 1981)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome on the panel this week our four regular, witty, impossible, irrepressible players of the game. And theyíre going to try and talk as usual if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud and Clement the subject that Ian Messiter has chosen is the best game. Will you tell us something about that in the contest starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The very best game is when two people go into a room, each with a bottle of whisky, and they drink that all is therein. And then one of them goes out, knocks on the door and the other has to guess who it is. Quite a good game which just could go for the best game is to approach the chairman of Just A Minute with a stink bomb. You, you step on it and the smell is so absolutely foul, the entire programme has to be put back by quarter of an hour, causing enormous distress and inconvenience to the competitors who had appointments for dinner and were in fact moving to Cambridgeshire in order that elderly ladies with nothing better to do than wait for their Member of...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, heís not talking about the best game now, heís complaining about being late for his dinner appointment!

NP: I think he had got well away from the best game. So Derek you have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of the best game starting now.

DN: Almost the best game in my experience is...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well heís talking about almost the best game. Thatís not any good.

NP: Well I think it doesnít matter Peter, you could say almost the best game or the very best game or not the best game.

PJ: I thought we wanted to talk about the best game. Isnít that the subject? The best game!

NP: Heís not..

PJ: Well almost the best game isnít the best game!

CF: Quite right!

PJ: Itís almost the best game!

CF: Quite right!

NP: I think thatís one of those impossible decisions that I have to make on occasions. So what I will do, I will bow to...

PJ: Itís not, itís a very easy decision! Itís just you find it impossible to make it!

NP: No I find it quite easy to make it but the trouble is Iím going to get all kinds of brickbats if everybody can interpret it in different ways. Iím going to let the audience...

CF: Well we just havenít got the best chairman, have we?

NP: Iím going to let the audience er, so Iím going to let you judge. So if you agree with Peterís challenge then you all cheer for him and if you disagree then you all boo against him but you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the cheers have it Peter, so you have the subject and you have 12 seconds on the best game starting now.

PJ: Well I think patience played with cards is probably the best game. Because it means that thereís no...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, he said you canít have almost, now heís saying probably!

NP: Probably the best game, yes! So by the same token you have seven seconds to take over the subject of the best game starting now.

KW: The best game should be allowed to hang for as long as possible before you actually consume it. Otherwise the flavour...

WHISTLE

NP: So when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds is up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Kenneth Williams and Iím sure youíll be delighted to hear at the end of that round he has a commanding lead over all the others! In fact he has 100 percent more marks than they have. He has two and two of them have one and Clement Freud... Kenneth will you begin the next round, the subject is people I shall never forget. There are 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

KW: The people I shall never forget are those who influenced me or done some curious singular thing which means that the memory of them will forever reverberate in my memory. And I recall a meeting with Alfred Hitchcock when he said to me ďdo you know about the country lad saying to the girl Ďtell us your nameí. And she replied Ďno, but Iíll give you a clue. What spreads round?í And he said Ďmanure.í She said Ďno, Ivy!íĒ And it rang out, and I thought what a delightful anecdote! Not the sort of thing Iíd have expected to be related in this quite swanky, I might say opulent, establishment in which we were dining. But I thought that showed a delightful, warm and human...

WHISTLE

NP: So at last weíve had a round in which the speaker began and finished without being interrupted. And it was once again Kenneth Williams. So Kenneth you get a point for speaking as the whistle went, and a point for not being interrupted. And you have increased your lead by 200 percent at the end of that round. You now have four points and the others still have one. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject is cheek. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: This is something which we all have four of. Two in the lower extremity and the same number in the higher. Now if you turn the other cheek in the Biblical sense, it means that instead of asking for an eye for a yer, or a tooth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, you were, you were struggling so well there Derek to get out of it. An eye for a yer! Fantastic! Forty-two seconds for Clement has the subject of cheek now starting now.

PJ: Very good that!

CF: Cheek is when someone of diminished responsibility goes to the British Broadcasting Corporation and elects to be chairman of a panel game. On the basis that he might have some idea of how to control people whose multi-syllabic words he doesnít understand, whose meaning he is unable to comprehend and whose hours and time he is unable to keep. Iíve now said unable three times, and because nobodyís interrupted me, only...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well, Iím not interrupting because Iím enjoying it!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Another reason that you werenít interrupted is because no-one could hear it because Kenneth Williams was making the audience laugh so much! So Peter what was your challenge?

PJ: Deviation.

NP: What of?

PJ: He mentioned something three times.

NP: Repetition of unable, right.

PJ: What?

NP: Peter you take over the subject of cheek and there are 15 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Itíll get you a long way. I had an uncle who took me to the pictures once during the war at the Empire, Leicester Square, which had a notice above the box office which said "forces, half price". He put down half the money...

BUZZ

PJ: ...and he said "Secret Service" and they let him in!

NP: But Clement Freud challenged before the payoffs. So Clement, what was it?

CF: Repetition of half.

NP: Yes Iím sorry Peter. Good story. Four seconds before the end, you were interrupted, cheek is back with Clement, and what cheek as well starting now.

CF: Sideburns are things that grow all the way down...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they all got points in that round but Kenneth Williams is still in the lead, one ahead of the second which is Clement Freud and Peter Jones, your turn to begin. Peter the subject is stink bombs.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Which got a nice reaction from our audience! Maybe theyíve had some experience of them, I donít know. But obviously itís set them alight. And they would like to hear you being set alight by the subject and going for 60 seconds if you can on stink bombs starting now.

PJ: I think theyíre vicious and cowardly weapons and theyíre quite indiscriminate, making those suffer who are perfectly innocent, not just the people to whom they are directed. I wouldnít ever, ah I would denounce anybody who used ah stink bombs, ah as um a means...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I think itís disgraceful! Heís put a needle through his nose! How could the man possibly go right?

DN: He didnít even see it!

KW: How could the man do well under those circumstances! Heís got a needle through his nose!

NP: Yes I must explain! This is extraordinarily good radio! I mean Derek Nimmo sitting there with a needle through his nose and er...

PJ: I think itís a nappy pin, isnít it! It is!

NP: Yes heís trying to block up one of the orifices.

PJ: I donít know...

DN: I think itís rather nice, donít you?

NP: So Derek in spite of the needle through your nose which set the audience going, I agree with your challenge, so you now very aptly take over the subject of stink bombs and there are 42 seconds left starting now.

DN: I am ashamed to tell the great British public that I let off a stink bomb in this studio this evening. It has caused tremendous distress and Iím very apologetic about it. Please can I have your forgiveness, Nicholas Parsons? I promise I will never set off a stink bomb ever again.

VERY LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE DROWNING OUT DNíS WORDS

DN: Indeed I happened to go to a joke shop, and what I found was all kinds of little gifts. And sometimes if you do find that at the end of the day, stink bombs do produce a certain amount of merriment. And that is why I really quite like it. You see, ladies and gentlemen, I am sitting here with a needle through my nose and a stink bomb in my pocket...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: He said Tunbridge Wells!

NP: I must explain, the hilarity in the audience was caused by the fact, that Derek Nimmo, apparently he was saying something about going to one of these joke shops. And in the middle of his conversation, sitting there with an angelic look on his face and a safety pin though his nose, he suddenly brought out a thing and showered himself with sort of plastic snow, as far as I could see!

DN: Two pound 50 in the joke shop! Very nice!

NP: As Derek Nimmo obviously feels that his life as a serious actor is drying up, heís now going over to tricks and the conjuring.

DN: Yes!

PJ: I think heís trying to get this game on to television, thatís what he is doing!

NP: Well heís got the right idea, the way heís playing it at the moment! I donít think he repeated Tunbridge Wells, Clement. So there are three seconds to go, youíll be pleased to hear, so you can get another point starting now.

CF: What did he say if he didnít say Tunbridge Wells?

NP: Someone can challenge if they wish.

CF: Because we certainly couldnít hear him. Could you?

NP: Iíve said now.

DN: Stink bombs are very smelly things and most unpleasant. And I do think that...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo made a clean breast of it in front of the great British public. Clement Freud begins the next round. Clement, making an effort. If we havenít had too much of that from Derek, let us hear from you on the subject. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: Making an effort is something one says to denote that a person is trying to do his best, from which sentiment I would like to disassociate the chairman of Just A Minute. Who has quite tantamountly done very much less than that. I have seldom encountered a shoddier exponent of any panel game...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Iíd just like to endorse what Clement said!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right so youíre endorsing, so whatís your challenge?

DN: No, Iím not really, Iím just, I just wanted to say that I, I wanted to second Mister Freudís motion. Thatís all.

NP: So what was your legitimate challenge?

DN: It wasnít a legitimate one, I just wanted to second his motion.

NP: All right so Clement gets another point because that was an incorrect challenge and he continues on making an effort with 37 seconds left starting now.

CF: One could actually make a fairly good effort at playing this game simply by going on talking without repeating yourself, showing a minimum of hesitation, and barely deviating from whatever garbage is given to you by the man sitting on my left, who interrupts virtually everything one says for no particular reason. Even when oneís colleagues keep their fingers away from the buzzers as encouraging and sweet, super, lovely, nice, normal, heterosexual, homosexual, ambisexual...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of sexual.

NP: Yes!

KW: No, no, no, it wasnít, it wasnít, no, every single word was...

NP: There was a repetition of sexual but Iím afraid...

KW: Theyíre all separate words.

NP: Separate words, homosexual, heterosexual. Theyíre written as one word Peter.

DN: Really?

NP: Mmmmm!

PJ: But he said it three times.

NP: Yes but they were different words. So Clement in spite of what you say, it does show how fair I am in this game. You have half a second to continue with a wrong challenge, making an effort, starting now.

CF: You go blind...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point and others in the round. And heís now taken the lead ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams, equal in second place. And Kenneth begins the next round which is Rudolph Diesel. Will you tell us something about him in the game, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: He was the gentleman who invented the engine which of course bears his name, wherein the ignition is accomplished by the compression of air. That is what causes it to ignite unlike the ordinary or shall we say conventional petrol engine. Now he studied at the Munich Polytechnic and was taken up as a protťgť of the Crupp family who financed the early experiments. Now what is interesting is that he...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of interesting.

NP: Yes you did say interesting before, Iím sorry Kenneth. So um...

KW: Itís all such nit picking!

NP: So Derek will you tell us something about Rudolph Diesel in 18 seconds starting now.

DN: He had a sister who was known as Red nosed Diesel, because she, funnily enough, had a glowing protuberance sticking out from her face. And when he visited the Crupp family in nineteen hundred and 11, they said ďcan you please make for us some matches?Ē And they said ďwell I donít know, because really your thing are...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo itís your turn to begin, the subject is signals. And youíve set a few of those off, metaphorically speaking tonight. But will you talk on the subject with 60 seconds to go starting now.

DN: Her Majestyís Royal Corps of Signals are a splendid gathering of able...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Is! One corps, is!

NP: Yes Clement, there are 54 seconds for you to take over the subject of signals starting now.

CF: I am probably one of the very few people who still knows semaphore. And if you hear...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well I know it as well!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I can believe... I can believe...

DN: Letís put it to the audience! How many people of them know semaphore? He said heís one of very few!

NP: Without putting it to the audience, I can believe there are not just a few people who still know semaphore. So I think that was a legitimate challenge Derek, you have it back and there are 47 seconds, no 48, signals starting now.

DN: I am one of the very many people who know the Morse Code. Because I happened to spend a part of the time in the Intelligence Corps where one discovered how messages were sent from one country to another by assorted soldiers from different regiments and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Corps.

NP: No he didnít say Corps.

CF: At the beginning he talked about the Royal Corps...

NP: Yes...

CF: And then he said the Corps. So itís repetition of Corps and the subject on the card is...

NP: No, he said regiments, he said regiments...

CF: No he didnít, no he said Corps.

DN: I didnít say Corps.

NP: He didnít say Corps.

CF: Yes he did.

NP: Did anybody in the audience hear him say Corps?

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Cor!

CF: Youíre deaf! Youíre all deaf!

NP: He talked about regiments.

DN: Regiments.

NP: Derek Iím sorry, I disagree with the challenge, you have 31 seconds to continue on signals starting now.

DN: The London Midland and Scottish Railway was my absolutely favourite train organisation. And the signals at Crewe Junction were a delight to the eye. Theyíd go from red to green, as they went up and down. And as you came towards them on Coronation Express, you felt your hear sing because you knew that...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: You can only hear your heart sing! You canít feel your heart sing.

DN: Well you can.

NP: I donít think youíd actually hear your heart sing either way because itís not vocal.

CF: You canít feel your heart sing.

NP: No you could feel it but you couldnít hear it, because it wouldnít make a noise.

CF: And he did say Corps twice! He said Intelligence Corps!

NP: Iím sorry!

PJ: I think youíd have to be pretty gone to feel your heart sing, approaching Crewe Junction! I think youíd have to be on speed or something for that to happen!

NP: The subject is signals...

DN: I think, I think I did say Corps twice!

NP: He said Intelligence Corps. What he did which was very subtle, he didnít challenge you at the time, he waited which was very generous of him...

DN: Iíd only said it once the first time, hadnít !

NP: So there we are, so Clement we give it to you this time with 12 seconds to go, signals starting now.

CF: You go to the top of a mountain and you shout ďthe battle is wonĒ and from the cliffs of Dover, your messenger portrays this to His Majesty the King and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: A messenger wouldnít portray it.

CF: Yes.

PJ: He might take the message.

NP: But in old fashioned English...

CF: My messenger always portrays...

NP: ... they do talk about portraying the message.

CF: Yes.

PJ: Oh weíre talking old fashioned English in this game now, are we? Old fashioned?

NP: Well I...

DN: I want to know where this mountain is thatís so near to the Straits of Dover?

NP: Yes...

DN: That when youíre shouting from the top of it, the fellow can hear you! I mean there arenít any mountains near the Straits of Dover! The whole thingís a load of rubbish!

NP: I have been generous to Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud, I will now be generous to you, and give you the benefit of the doubt on this situation. And allow you to continue with half a second on the subject of signals starting now.

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter, no, no, Peter Jones got the point yes. That brings him forward a little, doesnít it, at the end of that round. But heís still in third place with Kenneth Williams. And Peter Jones would you begin the next round, the subject is supermarket trolleys. I know theyíre one of your great loves so will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well they certainly arenít. I donít like them! I view them as lethal weapons! And when in the hands of battle-trained housewives they can inflict an enormous amount of pain and discomfort. And when atop them is a child whoís been trained to throw tins of beans and cans of fruit and corned beef and things at innocent passers-by who are trying to do a bit of shopping, they are pretty alarming vehicles. And I would actually institute er tests...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation really.

NP: I think so, yes. Um Derek you have 29 seconds on supermarket trolleys starting now.

DN: My wife takes me to a supermarket, and always gives me a trolley with one wheel that only turns left. And for some reason I follow this beastly machine between the shelves and across the floor, and all the time I have absolutely no control over this fiendish piece of machinery! And I really loathe supermarket trolleys more than anything else, apart from Nicholas Parsons, in the whole wide world. And I also object to the way that people take supermarket trolleys away from the shops, and deposit them by the roadside...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going magnificently with his supermarket trolley till the whistle went, gained an extra point because you were actually speaking as the whistle went...

DN: I know I was! I could hear it!

NP: And your heart was singing as well which you also heard probably because you have gone into the lead ahead of Clement Freud. And Clement begins the next round, the subject Clement is Punch and Judy. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: I always find it very embarrassing when phoning people in search of situations like housemaid or cook, that my voice is instantly recognisable as not belonging to a member of the fair sex. In fact itís pretty masculine...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Iíd like to know what all of this has got to do with Punch and Judy.

NP: Yes he actually...

CF: I was only just beginning to get into it.

NP: Well you had been going for 18 seconds.

CF: Oh had I really? Oh good!

NP: I donít think you actually had established the subject yet. So Kenneth a correct challenge and there are therefore 43 seconds for you to go on Punch and Judy starting now.

KW: This is a puppet thing where a bloke manipulates the aforementioned objects behind a screen showing them in a little aperture which appears to people outside as a kind of miniature stage. They behave in this curious contorted fashion, make curious movements...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Curious twice.

NP: You did say curious, Iím afraid Kenneth. So there are 22 seconds for you Clement, to take over the subject again of Punch and Judy starting now.

CF: Both Punch and Judy have magazines named after them. And given a free choice I would certainly prefer Punch to that of Judy. Because Judy is for children of delicate ages and in fact is pretty nonsensical sort of stuff about Mrs... Widdecombe...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes because he couldnít find one of those ladies in Judy. So there are four seconds on Punch and Judy with you Derek starting now.

DN: (in Punch voice) Thatís the way to do it! (normal voice) Is what he said when he hit Jack on the top of the head. And I think thatís...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derekís fine impersonation of... who was that one?

DN: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Of Nicholas Parsons, of course yes. Thatís right and Nicholas Parsons kept him going till the whistle went and he has increased his lead again. And Kenneth would you take the next round and the subject, great paintings. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: In the National Gallery hangs a canvas by a man called Guacino. And it is called The Incredulity of Thomas which I must say I have always thought of as a rather pompous way of saying it. Weíve never said that particular word about the Saint. Iíve always used doubting and I think most people who grew up in my period always did use it in that fashion. But still, there you are, thatís the title. And it is beautiful! The... can...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. But Iíll tell you what Iím going to do.

DN: Oh all right, put it to the audience.

CF: Tell us! Mmmmm!

NP: Iíll tell you what Iím going to do. It is going to be the last round and Kenneth has got his own subject of great paintings, it was extremely interesting. The audience were loving it...

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And Iím sure that Kenneth, they would all like you to continue in spite of the challenge, because it was marginal hesitation. And there are 23 seconds on great paintings starting now.

KW: The depiction is wonderfully sensuous and I throb with excitement as I look, and realise that the name that means squint-eyed in actual fact, but of course the full-length name, oh Iíve said that twice...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Yes, repetition of name, and also I wasnít awfully keen on all this throbbing....

NP: Yes you were too generous...

DN: ... in the National Gallery.

KW: Iíll throb almost anywhere you know! And incidentally so were you about the signals at Crewe!

NP: Yes!

KW: Your heart was singing with it!

NP: Yes!

KW: You said you could hear your heart throbbing!

NP: Yes!

KW: Now youíre taking me to task for the very same thing! Isnít he!

NP: Exactly yes yes, we all throb a little on occasions, donít we!

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Look at this audience, theyíre throbbing now, arenít they! Just at the sound of my voice, you throb, donít you! There you are, you see! Derek there are six seconds for you to take over the subject of great paintings starting now.

DN: Caniletto, I suppose, the great Venetian master is of all the painters that I have ever seen probably the one with the most...

WHISTLE

NP: So...

CF: Where did you see Caniletto?

DN: Sorry?

CF: Where did you see Caniletto? Heís dead!

DN: Heís dead!

NP: You try very hard sometimes Clement! I can tell you that at the whistle Derek Nimmo was speaking as you know, gained an extra point, increased his lead. We have no more time alas, so I must give you the final score. And on this occasion it was Peter Jones, in spite of the value that he gives to the programme, came in fourth place. A little way behind Kenneth Williams, a little way behind Clement Freud. And once again our winner was Derek Nimmo! Well we do hope you have enjoyed the programme this week and want to tune in again when our regulars will be there normal ebullient selves. And till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.