JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 June 1981)

NOTE: David Hatch's last show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we have our four regular players of the game this week. And theyíre going to try and talk at different times, we hope at different times, on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Weíll begin the show with Derek Nimmo, Derek, the subject is poor. So can you tell us something on that subject in 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: To be poor is something I know a great deal about. To be as poor as a church mouse. This particular quadruped if it is found in an ecclesiastical building would be especially poor because thereís very little food to be found in any kind of.... denomination...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so yes. He got on to the ecclesiastes and he hesitated. So Peter you get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject which is poor, there are 42 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well, our cat, whom regular listeners to this programme will know is called Primrose, has four paws in all. And the one paw that Iím choosing to talk about this evening is the white one. She has three others which are black. But the one on the right-hand side at the front...

BUZZ


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of right. The one heís chosen to talk about is the right one, the one on the right-hand side...

NP: Thatís right, on the right-hand side...

PJ: No, white one was the first one!

NP: White one, yes! He said the first time.

PJ: Right, I ought to be on your other side Derek!

NP: Yes!

PJ: The one with the good ear!

NP: For those who are at home listening, I explain that Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones are sitting together on my left, and Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are on my right. And so that is the reason for the deafness to which he was referring...

DN: What on earth is he talking about?

NP: There are 24 seconds left for Peter Jones to continue on the subject of paw starting now.

PJ: And itís attached to the felineís leg by gristle...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of leg.

PJ: I havenít mentioned her legs before.

NP: He hasnít mentioned her legs.

DN: Iím terribly sorry!

NP: Either thereís something wrong with your hearing, or else youíre trying too hard. So Peterís got another point for a wrong challenge, there are 19 seconds on paw with you Peter starting now.

PJ: She can wash with it, and lap up milk. And no doubt, if one was able to open a tin of cat food, she would be able to put the paw...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of cat.

NP: Er...

DN: We know about this cat, weíve heard about this cat.

CLEMENT FREUD: Cat food. Cat food.

NP: He said cat food, which is not, which is hyphenated, itís not...

DN: Is it?

NP: Itís not repeating the word cat. So 10 seconds are left Peter on paw starting now.

PJ: She can lick it with this long pink tongue, which she keeps perfectly clean in spite of the fact that sheís often messing about in the garden with the paw...

WHISTLE

NP: Well a unique situation at the end of that round because itís never happened before in Just A Minute. Thereís only one person who has got any points and he happens to have quite a lot! Peter Jones took the subject, kept it in spite of the challenges, and so at the end of that round he has five points and Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams havenít got any! But Kenneth weíre going to hear from you now and the subject is temperament. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This is the characteristic which distinguishes a personís behaviour. We may talk of a bovine temperament, we may talk of a lachrymose temperament. And of course you could be referring to somebody bucolically inclined in the same fashion. In fact a piano tuner can arrange for an equal temperament to be given to your instrument and that will be... so...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I think so...

KW: No, I was just thinking of a word, I wasnít hesitating. No, because when the piano tuner does it, he arranges, the 12 semitones all come at equal intervals you see...

NP: Yeah...

KW: ... if itís an equal temperament piano. Do you understand what I mean?

DN: Yes I do.

NP: Yeah, but, but...

KW: And thatís very important for the listeners to know because they are all, might take up the piano, and that would be very very useful information to them.

NP: Mmmm...

DN: Yes it would.

KW: And therefore you should never challenge when youíre getting in the way of information which they really desperately need to know. That lady was leaning forward there, eager, avid to hear what I was going to say. And I think therefore that one of the rules should be that any challenge which interrupts...

NP: Mmmm...

KW: ... something as enlightening and as marvellously informative as that should be disallowed.

NP: Yes but Iím afraid within the rules as they exist...

KW: Donít keep blethering on like that! Itís so boring!

NP: Yes I think itís one of my blethering days! Iím, for people south of the Border...

KW: Get on with it!

NP: What do you mean, get on with it? We were waiting for you to finish. Once you get going, we canít stop you! There are 20, 31 seconds left and Derekís got the subject of temperament starting now.

DN: You have to have a very special temperament, I think, to play Just A Minute. It is a game which is... quite...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, it is a game indeed. Twenty-six seconds on temperament with you Clement, starting now.

CF: The ideal temperament for MacBeth would be that exhibited by the chairman rather than Peter OíToole. Because he is able to put up with adverse criticism to an almost unparalleled degree. Not only can one boo, hiss, jeer and shout obscene words ending in syllables which I would sooner not repeat on a programme which could have the whole family listening...

WHISTLE

NP: For those who may never have heard Just A Minute before, when the whistle is blown by Ian Messiter, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment, of course, gets an extra point. In this round it was Clement Freud, and heís now in second place behind Peter Jones. And Peter, your turn to begin and the subject is what makes me blow my top.

SHOUTS OF ďOHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know why the audience reacted to that, Iíve never heard you actually blowing your top Peter. But you have 60 seconds to tell us something on the subject starting now.

PJ: Well quite a number of things of course. One is when people refuse to accept responsibility. You go into a shop and you say ďthis shoe has fallen apart on the first wearingĒ and the man says ďitís nothing to do with me, I didnít make itĒ. Things like that happen and I do get rather annoyed. Because I feel as a representative of the company, ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Derek, so you have 40 seconds now to tell us ah something on what makes me blow my top starting now.

DN: I am a member of the Keep Britain Tidy campaign. And what makes me blow my top is when one drives along the road and sees people throwing rubbish into the street. I think this is absolutely filthy, totally disgusting...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: If youíre driving along a road, you canít throw rubbish into the street.

DN: Seeing people, thatís why I said seeing people. Driving along the road seeing people.

PJ: Well you canít even see them unless youíre having hallucinations!

NP: They could be throwing them out of the car in front. I think it is possible, and anyway you couldnít use the word street twice, because that would be repetition. So he did quite well there and he keeps the subject, and 28 seconds, what makes me blow my top, Derek starting now.

DN: What makes me blow my top is also when you go into gardens and parks...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so...

DN: Not true!

SOME BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement you have 23 seconds on what makes me blow my top starting now.

CF: What makes me blow my top is when the chairman gives challenges like hesitation which are totally undeserved because the man spoke...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: ... without one momentís (pauses)...

BUZZ

CF: You see?

NP: Derek Nimmo.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, whatever made you guess that? Derek, you have the subject back...

DN: What? Who is, who is...

NP: Eleven seconds left, what makes me blow my top starting now.

DN: What makes me blow my top is hearing Nicholas Parsons coming into the studio, week after seven days, talking absolute drivel and giving unjust decisions! That really makes me blow my top and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo blowing his top in style, on one of his favourite subjects there, kept going until the whistle went, gained the extra point, and heís now, no, heís only one point behind our leader who is still Peter Jones. Clement your turn to begin, the subject is beans. Can you tell us something about beans in the game starting now.

CF: Beans is a subject which is difficult in Just A Minute, because itís hard not to make you repeat! Although clearly it would hesitate, and if you were not very careful, just might deviate. Pulse is the common name for the bean family and you have flageolet, haricot, white, green, canned and the great American which are those baked beans which you buy in tins which have made Mister Heinz rich, famous and a name ot conjure with. For instance if you get the aforementioned American philanthropist...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of American.

NP: Yes, you mentioned about the American, talking about American beans. Sorry Clement...

CF: Mmmm.

NP: Derek you have 19 seconds to take over the subject of beans starting now.

DN: In South America, they make birthday cakes out of beans which blow their own candles out!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: And they are really frightfully useful. And I think at this particularly festive time of the year...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of out. Out of beans, candles out.

NP: There were two outs, Iím afraid. It seems a bit mean.

CF: Oh is it?

NP: It was accurate so there we are. No, you were accurate so I have to abide by the rules of the game, I have to be fair and just especially when Derek Nimmo says I am not always. So there are seven and a half seconds on beans with you Clement starting now.

CF: Something which is known by exceedingly few people, is that flatulence is induced not by the bean but by the liquid encircling it...

WHISTLE

NP: So um...

CF: Did you know that was true?

NP: Mmmm?

CF: Mmmm, if you wash your beans, youíll be all right!

NP: Really?

CF: Eat lots!

NP: So at the end of that round, Clement Freud had the point for speaking as the whistle went. Heís still in third place, and Derek Nimmo equal with Peter Jones in the lead. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, bands. Can you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

DN: Quite early on in my career I formed the very first rock and roll band in Great Britain. It was called Dave Shand and his aforementioned Band. And why I did this, because there was a film with Bill Haley and his Comets. It had just been released in Great Britain at that time. And I thought what a wonderful idea it would be if the English public could listen to this new thrilling musical band. And that was what I did. And I went to the Lyceum Theatre in Newport and started by telling the people...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he, two starteds and a number of other smaller words repeated.

NP: You donít need to rub it in Peter! One challenge is enough!

PJ: Well it often isnít with you!

NP: I agree with the challenge, Peter, you take over the subject of bands and there are 28 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Now Harry Roy had a wonderful band, and so did Henry Hall. And they used to feature them...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Henry Hallís wasnít that wonderful, was it?

NP: But itís still not deviation because some people thought it was quite good. The subject is still bands, itís still with you Peter, there are 22 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Lou Stone had one that used to play from the Kit-Kat Club. And Maurice Wynoch was another great leader in this era. But perhaps still best of all was a man who happily is still with us...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of still, still with us, still leading musician.

NP: Yes! What a miserable challenge! But itís perfectly correct...

DN: What do you mean? Itís either repetition or itís not! Why should it be miserable if itís the word...

NP: Well I always remark, I did the same thing with Clement Freud...

KW: No, no I think Nicholas is absolutely right because heís right! No, itís miserable because he is, he is singling out the fact you see that you are picking on tiny little words which are essential really in usage, ordinary usage. Whereas really repetition is about using a word that is singular in some fashion. Heís been doing it too! He drags everything down! It gets absolutely boring if you keep on nit picking like that! I quite agree with you Nicholas, I think youíve got a very good point there.

NP: Whatís come over him? Thank you very much, Kenneth! I, I, I, Iím overwhelmed! And Peter Jones has, no Iím sorry, Derek, it was a correct challenge so you actually do have the subject. Four seconds on bands starting now.

DN: Ted Heath, Jack Parnell. They are some of the names that come to my mind...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo has taken the lead at the end of that round. And Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, the subject, coincidence. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: Coincidence strictly speaking means that which occurs at the same time in another place, and thus can be compared with what occurred formerly you see. But other people use it in a wide context. And I would say for an example of coincidence, I, 25 years ago, was in a production at the Lyric, Hammersmith. Now the wheels have turned full cycle and Iím there again, all that time later, doing another thing which is equally successful. Of course a lot of people would say thatís nothing to do with coincidence, thatís to do with the fact that you are a brilliant man. Well that is true and Iíve not denied that, but...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Well I donít think itís a coincidence to be reengaged 25 years later! Itís a very long time and no doubt, the wounds have healed!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: And a new generation of theatre manager is probably in charge! Itís not a coincidence!

NP: Well in the broadest, in the broadest sense of the term, it is a coincidence...

KW: Of course it is Nicholas! Thank you Nicholas!

NP: But I...

KW: It is, it is, because on both occasions I had a flat hit and it went on to the West End of London, it transferred. So thatís a coincidence, the same thing happened...

NP: He didnít want to be conceited to say it was the same play which he was doing...

KW: It wasnít the same play, you great fool! One was Share My Lettuce and the other was Loot! Quite...

NP: I thought you were referring, I thought you were referring to Loot.

KW: One was a musical, and oneís a black comedy. You could hardly compare the two.

NP: Oh well...

PJ: It was a coincidence in so much as he is playing at the same theatre twice. And that probably is the first time thatís ever happened to him!

NP: I think what we do is Peterís challenge was so delightful, we give him a bonus point for a good challenge. But we leave the subject with Kenneth and he continues um and also a point for being interrupted, ah with 13 seconds, sorry, 17 seconds left, coincidence starting now.

KW: An extraordinary thing occurred when I was standing in a hotel, when a man had a row with a lady who was erecting an umbrella, and he said, interfering with his sunshine which he wanted to have all over his body and get a tan. And many years later, I met this same man discussing that very subject...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of man.

KW: Oh itís so footling, isnít it!

NP: There are two seconds to go ah Derek, you cleverly got in just before the whistle and the subject is coincidence starting now.

DN: It is the most tremendous coincidence we should be sitting here tonight with only two seconds left...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo once again was speaking as the whistle went and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones is still in second place, Clement Freud in third and Kenneth Williams trailing a little, but giving his usual good value, because he doesnít care about points! Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject is the nick. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well the original nick is still in existence in Suffolk, on the south side of the river. And just beside it, I think, is the theatre, or the site for one, which Sam Wannamaker was going to perform in with a number of other people, putting on plays of the original period that the nick was built in, I understand. It was a sort of prison where people were thrown, debtors and others, and itís dark. Itís frequented only by American tourists and a few other people who are mildly interested, historically in this site. And...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of site.

NP: Yes. (laughs) I think...

CF: Apart from...

NP: ... you were getting rather bored with it yourself, werenít you?

PJ: I was! I was getting bored and I knew you were! And I could see the audience were!

NP: Clement Freud you have the subject, itís the nick and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

CF: I met a man recently in prison. And I asked him why he was there, and he said that his first wife had died eating poisoned mushrooms. And I said this didnít seem very serious. And he said but his second wife had met her demise...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Wife twice.

NP: There were two wives yes.

CF: Youíll never know...

DN: What a paltry challenge!

CF: Yes!

KW: Well everyoneís being so paltry, I had to do something to get my own back! Iíve sat here silent long enough!

NP: Oh yes, you hardly ever speak, I know that Kenneth! There are 10 seconds on the nick with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: I did once visit the establishment which is mentioned in the title. But I was not, Iím happy to say, in any criminal sense present there...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went. But got the extra point but Iím afraid heís still in fourth place. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is face saving. Would you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: One of the best ways to save your face is to grow a beard. Have hair all over it. And the skin will last you all your life, because itís not exposed to the elements. Well the wind comes from the west, north, south or east. Hirsute growth over your face is exactly the protective thing that it needs. My thing is to go on a summerís evening...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of thing.

CF: Oh what a small word! What, just, how, you wouldnít allow that, would you?

NP: Of course I would.

CF: Oh.

NP: Peter you have the subject and...

CF: Heíd allow it.

NP: ... there are 34 seconds on face saving starting now.

PJ: Well I donít agree that a beard is a perfectly good ah method...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah hesitation.

NP: I think I would agree Clement, so you have 30 seconds to take back the subject of face saving starting now.

CF: One of the very few things for which there is no society under Royal patronage or that of anyone else is to save faces, not in this country or indeed elsewhere. You would have thought that a Royal Association...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Royal.

NP: Yes Derek, 15 seconds on face saving with you starting now.

DN: In the Orient, particularly in China, Japan, South Korea, Singapore, in such countries where there is a large population who are terribly involved with saving face. Because to lose face is something which one cannot do. So therefore you must never shout or...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo once again has increased his lead and he also begins the next round and the subject is a good service. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: I like a really nice old fashioned matins. When you sit there in the church, and the priest comes in and you hear the words that were first enshrined by King James when he commanded the prayer book to be written, one suddenly thinks this is what it ought to be about. A good service. Something that you recognise, words, phrases, that are dear to oneís heart. And I find this extraordinarily satisfying. Of course other kinds of good service, the one you hope to find when you take your automobile into a motor car repair shop. And itís very seldom in my experience, Iím afraid I have to say this, that one these days gets a good service. So often things are left undone and things that should have been done...

BUZZ

NP: Too many things.

CF: Too many things.

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh what a small fault to pick on! It was jolly good, wasnít it Derek!

NP: Yes!

KW: Fascinating!

NP: Very nice yes, going straight from church to the automobile. Eighteen seconds on a good service with you Clement starting now.

CF: You throw your ball high in the air, and extending your right hand, which grips a racquet, swing towards the net and your opponent on the far side of it. ďFifteen, loveĒ, says the referee, watched by the umpire, and the linemen, the ballboys, and the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud got the point for speaking as the whistle went, creeping up on Peter Jones in second place. But theyíre both three or four points behind Derek Nimmo our leader, and Kenneth Williams is still trailing a little. But Kenneth begins the next round and the subject is a fence. So will you tell us something on that subject in the game starting now.

KW: Many years ago, I got lots of bits of wood, nailed them together and made myself a fence. Which enclosed a charming little vegetable patch, on to which I also grew some fruit. And do you know, people said ďthe lovely little fence, you painted it pink! What a marvellous colour! It stands out and matches your aforementioned fruits!Ē I havenít repeated myself, you see. And this charming gentleman who told me about putting straw around to protect them, you see, helped me to obtain...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of you see.

NP: Yes you did say it...

KW: Oh thatís so footling!

NP: Well it was more than one word on that occasion. Derek there are 26 seconds to take over the subject of a fence starting now.

DN: When I went to the nick recently, I visited a fence. He had been put there because heíd stolen a lot of property, actually belonging to me. The silver...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Well fences donít steal, you see. Theyíre people that people who do steal sell things to.

KW: On the contrary, when youíre convicted they say an aider and abettor is a stealer, because youíve aiding and abetting the theft, and therefore heís right when he says the stuff was stolen from me.

PJ: Well I bow to your experience!

LAUGHTER FROM DN, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well done! Your challenge was that the chap was in prison for stealing...

PJ: Yes yes.

NP: ... when he was a fence.

PJ: Yes.

NP: So he would have been in prison for receiving as a fence...

PJ: Yes.

NP: ... which is a legitimate and clever challenge. Peter you have the subject....

PJ: Ah! What a surprise!

NP: There are 18 seconds on a fence starting now.

PJ: Yes well, the fence I made was of barbed wire, because I was very anxious to keep out the Germans and doing my bit on the south coast in the last war. This fence, not a very attractive looking er arrangement of wire, it was...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two wires.

NP: Iím afraid we had the wire again. So Derekís got in with two and a half seconds on a fence starting now.

DN: I saw an old man sitting on a fence and I said ďwhatho, how are you...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Derek Nimmo got the subject before the whistle and gained that extra point, and has increased his lead ahead of Peter Jones and Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams in that order. Peter your turn to begin, the subject naval displays. Will you tell us something about them in the game starting now.

PJ: Well mostly I suppose theyíre concerned with boats and ships messing about in the...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged, yes.

KW: I thought it was a pause there. Hesitation.

NP: Definitely a pause.

PJ: There was, there was.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes.

NP: I donít think he wanted the subject actually. There are 53 seconds for you to talk about naval displays Kenneth starting now.

KW: The finest naval display youíll ever see is when I get out my navel. And I have got a very special thing which I got through the post called a bellybutton brush. And it does the job marvellously! It really gets into all the nooks and crannies. And I feel every bit as satisfied as knocking the head off a boiled egg and feeling that another nationalised industry has been returned to its rightful owners. Because after all people have got no right to take these things over. The Government steps in. What does that mean to us? I donít blame them, I went over there, I said to one of them "you, more power to your elbow mate!" I said "look, as far as Iím concerned, the best thing they can all do is to down...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: It was a long way away from navel displays.

PJ: Yes it was, he got as far as his elbow at one point!

NP: Clement Freud has a legitimate challenge with four seconds to go on naval displays starting now.

CF: The whole fleetís lit up, were the words that...

WHISTLE

NP: They were the words of that unfortunate commentator who shall be nameless for obvious reasons. Clement Freud, you got that extra point, and weíre coming to the end of the round and the show so let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams, in spite of all that he contributed, finished in fourth place. A little way behind Clement Freud who was equal with Peter Jones. But they were both a little way behind this weekís winner once again, Derek Nimmo! Well we do hope you have enjoyed the programme this week and want to tune in again when our regulars will be there normal ebullient selves. And until then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.