JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 April 1977)

NOTE: Kenneth Williams's 200th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from our announcer we have our four regular male panelists competing against each other. And as usual they will try and speak for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. And weíre going to begin the show with Derek Nimmo and the subject is the broads. Derek will you tell us something about the broads in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Broads I suppose really are one of the most delightful parts of England. Norfolk I think is almost my favourite county. They were to a large extent manmade because it was when they started to draw an excessive amount of peat from the land these indentations were formed which then became ponds and lakes and little rivers and contributaries flowed into them. These days they are used mainly I suppose for pleasure purposes although there is a wealth of wildlife living on the banks of the broads. And boating there during the summer months is particularly delectable. One passes, in that county, such beautiful churches...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of county.

NP: Yes. You did repeat the word county so it was a correct challenge on behalf of Peter Jones and so there is a point there Peter and there are 25 seconds left for the broads starting now.

PJ: I think the broads were the people that the GIs were most anxious to meet when they came over at the beginning of World War 2...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation. Alas, they didnít come over at the beginning of World...

NP: No...

DN:... War 2!

NP: It would have been quite different if they had wouldnít it?

PJ: It was nearer the beginning than the end!

DN: It didnít seem so at the time!

NP: It was not actually at the beginning! So it was deviation and there are 13 seconds Derek for you, you have a point for a correct challenge, and you get the subject of the broads back starting now.

DN: Iíd forgotten those sort of moll-like ladies that are called broads, yes. Are they derived perhaps from the word broadly, maybe, I donít know. When one is in New York one tends to see a tremendous number of broads and very lovely they are too! And as they are walking around in their...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Ian Messiter brings his little whistle with him to every programme and he plows it... plows it! He blows it at the end of 60 seconds, and tells us that the time is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. Derek Nimmo, you did so then and you are now in the lead at the end of the first round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round and the subject, so apt for our game, letting off steam. Would you talk on it for Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Letting off steam virtually means that if youíre pent-up or full of things or replete with go as Kenneth Williams would have it, you rest for a moment or two in order...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Three ors.

NP: Now that was a correct challenge Derek, I donít hesitate in giving it to you and there are 47 seconds, letting off steam, starting now.

DN: Letting off steam, I suppose, was one of the first expressions to come into the language from the steam age. Hitherto we had used mainly things from the world of sail. To let off steam means to take the lid off. And if you had a great big engine and there was an excess of steam, you in some way release the steam to ray ray ray remove the pressure!

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has just challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he couldnít get his steam out! Could he there? His lid was stuck on, so Peter Jones got in with a correct challenge and 29 seconds, letting off steam Peter starting now.

PJ: It takes me back to the days of the old steam trains on the Great Western Railway that carried people...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think Iíd agree with that Derek. And there are 20 seconds left for letting off steam starting now.

DN: The London Midland and Scottish Railway! I lived quite near to a railway embankment and I remember when I was at...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud...

DN: I know what I said! (starts to giggle) Iím so sorry!


CF: Repetition of railway.

NP: Yes! There were two railways there. And perhaps...

DN: I got as far as rail and then I went over rather quickly hoping you wouldnít hear but I knew he would!

NP: Well heís got good hearing and heís got 14 seconds for letting off steam starting now.

CF: One of the most attractive parts of letting off steam is that if you live close to a railway, you wake up in the middle of the night, especially if a train does not come past, saying "good heavens, what was that?" And it is...

MUTED WHISTLE

PROPER WHISTLE

NP: I must explain to the listeners that Ian Messiter enjoyed Clement Freudís remark so much that he nearly swallowed his whistle. Thatís why the noise came from the back of his epiglottis! Peter will you begin the next round. The subject is bumbling. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well it would be easier really to give you a demonstration of it than talk about it. However thatís one of the rules of the game that one has to make an attempt to discuss or describe or analyse the reasons for attempting to make er...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation I thought.

NP: Yes he really wanted to describe it, he was finding... I mean demonstrate it. Great difficulty on the description. So Kenneth got in, nice to hear from you Kenneth...

PJ: Yes I was worried really!

NP: There are... Iím sure the audience were waiting to hear from you too. And there are 44 seconds on bumbling starting now.

KW: This is the method of speech whereby you donít actually stop speaking as certain other people do when they are accused of mumbling. That is to say, not so much cease, as become indistinct or inarticulate, lacking in fluency, if one might put it like that. On the other hand this means to fill in with a mass of verbiage, things which really are little to the point, irrelevant, and people could rightfully say...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you mentioned the people before and so Peter Jones has got a correct challenge and the subject is bumbling and there are nine seconds left starting now.

PJ: Yes well Iíd like to make a collection of the bumbles that Iíve heard down the years that have caused me to get dreadful school reports....

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones got points in that round and heís now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, and the subject, ah, a lovely one, sawing a woman in half. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: This is a disgraceful subject to put down on a radio programme like this! On the other hand, of course, if you were interpreting it as a conjurers trick then it is permissible to discuss it. Obviously nobody in their right mind would saw a lady in half, apart from Dr Buckruxton. I donít know anyone that has actually attempted it. But the magicians do it by means...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of magician.

NP: Yes you mentioned magician before.

KW: Oh did I? Ohhhhh!

NP: No I think you said magic actually, didnít he?

DN: No. Conjurer he said.

NP: Conjuring, conjuring, yes Iím glad I...

KW: I thought I did. Yes I thought I said conjuring trick.

NP: So...

KW: I thought I did say that.

NP: So it was a wrong challenge and there are 42 seconds still with you Kenneth having got a point for that wrong challenge, sawing a woman in half, starting now.

KW: Sawing a woman in half is illusory. She gets into this contraption, you see, and bits of her are hanging out at each end, so that you think when the blade appears to be actually penetrating the timber, that it is actually going to...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of actually.

NP: Two actuallys yes, 20 seconds are left for sawing a woman in half, can you do it in that time Derek starting now.

DN: Standing in the Alhambra Theatre on the stage was the great Houdini. On was pushed a great trolley and a beautiful girl with golden hair down her back standing 5 foot, 3 and a quarter inches in her cammieknickers climbed into the box and he lifted up the blade and with one great sweep swished it through and....

WHISTLE


NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained another point, and heís increased his lead at the end of that round. I would have challenged him actually because I thought Houdini was an escapologist and wasnít a magician. I donít think he ever did that trick. But ...

DN: Probably not, I donít know!

NP: Iím not playing the game so I donít know! Superstitions is the next subject and Derek it is your turn to begin. so would you start and tell us something about that in Just A Minute now.

DN: Which of us are not superstitious? How many...

BUZZ

PJ: Iím not!

NP: Peter Jones! So what is your challenge?

PJ: Oh I donít have one!

NP: Well you stopped Derek in full flow and...

PJ: Well he was rabbiting on about Houdini for so long!

NP: Why didnít you challenge him?

DN: Frightfully boring! Terribly boring!

NP: I would have given it to you!

PJ: What?

NP: Why didnít you challenge him? I would have given it to you!

PJ: He didnít repeat or anything.

NP: He did. He didnít cut a woman in half. Houdini was an escapologist.

PJ: Well I knew that. I wish I was!

NP: You challenge when itís not a right challenge and keep quiet...

DN: Stop arguing about the last question!

PJ: Well sometimes you claim that matters of fact have nothing to do with it, you see!

NP: There are 57 and a half seconds for superstitions Derek starting now.

DN: Walking along the street I saw a ladder right across. And I thought "well I mustnít walk underneath it because if I do something absolutely frightful will happen to me". So I stepped to avoid it and I was knocked down by a man on a tricycle! Now I thought this teaches you a lesson. One should not be superstitious. And in fact I tend not to be on the whole. But sometimes if I knock over some salt, I will throw it over my...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of knock over.

NP: Well knock anyway, yes thatís correct Clement. There are 35 seconds with you now to talk about superstitions starting now.

CF: One of the most realistic superstitions is if youíre a woman, never to be sawn in half! Neither by Houdini, nor by anyone else! But in fact it is a misnomer...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Thatís not a superstition!

NP: I would agree! Thatís not a superstition! Not to be sawn in half!

PJ: Itís terribly unlucky to be sawn in half!

NP: Very unlucky, but itís not superstition! And Derek you have the subject back, there are 23 seconds left starting now.

DN: If you touch wood it is supposed to be very lucky! This is said to derive from the habit of cutting a piece of the original Cross. But in fact historians have shown it goes back...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of in fact. He said it twice in his previous preamble.

NP: All right Clement, there are 13 seconds for you to take over the subject of superstitions starting now.

CF: Keeping a balloon in your left hand jacket pocket is one of the lesser known superstitions, yet one which I believe is gaining in popularity...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well Iím chancing my arm on your advice! I donít think itís lesser known, I donít think itís known at all!

NP: Iíll tell you something else, itís certainly not gaining in popularity!

PJ: No! Thatís for sure!

KW: Iíve had balloons in my jacket!

NP: Yes well, we know all about those!

CF: You mean...

NP: And you chanced your arm well Peter...

CF: You mean they werenít balloons?

NP: Whatís that?

CF: They were not balloons then?

NP: Where? What? Youíre talking about the little captions in cartoons now!

CF: No!

PJ: Will you please tell me what the subject is, because I got no clue from the previous speakers!

NP: You neednít worry! Thereís only one second left! The subject is superstitions and you start now.

PJ: Good luck mate!

WHISTLE

NP: so it shows you that it pays to chance your arm, because you get the points and you create the entertainment which is what Just A Minute is all about. So Peter Jones has moved forward. Heís now in second place behind Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud in third place, Kenneth Williams in fourth place. And Clementís turn to begin, the subject, cooking chicken Kiev. Will you tell us something about that Clement in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Cooking...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Well Iím afraid I must agree because there were two seconds, complete two seconds on the clock here so that must be hesitation. Derek you have the subject and there are 58 seconds for cooking chicken Kiev starting now.

DN: First, kill your chicken, and then you have to ...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: You donít have to kill the chicken to do this at all.

DN: Well you canít cook it live mate!

NP: It will be...

KW: He is inferring that you first have to kill it. You donít and therefore it is devious to tell the audience...

NP: I can tell you this, you couldnít cook a chicken Kiev with a live chicken!

KW: Donít talk such rubbish! You can go into a shop and buy chicken!

NP: Of course you can, but...

KW: Theyíre not squawking are they?

PJ: Do you mean, do you mean if he was asked to make a rice pudding, would you say he has to go to Siam to prepare?

KW: Yes! Hear hear! Hear hear! Hear hear! Very good point!

NP: Well as Derek has just come back from Hong Kong, heís obviously got his rice, and he probably came back via Russia to find out the correct recipe. And he wasnít deviating and he has 55 seconds, cooking chicken Kiev starting now.

DN: Getting off the Trans Siberian railway at Kiev I wandered into a shop and purchased some butter and garlic to make my chicken Kiev. I rolled the garlic with some pate and froze the mixture very carefully in a refrigerator...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation. You canít roll your garlic.

NP: With the mixture, he was rolling...

DN: With the mixture!

CF: He didnít say that.

NP: Yes he did, he...

CF: I rolled the garlic.

PJ: In a pate.

NP: In a pate. And he rolled it all up.

CF: Like a marble!

NP: Yes as a...

CF: Come out and roll up your garlic!

NP: As an expert...

CF: (sings) Roll out your garlic!

PJ: I mean, I think probably it wasnít a bad effort on a railway station at Kiev where he apparently was! You canít be too particular under those circumstances!

NP: Mind you, as an expert Clement it might turn you over, but it certainly didnít turn me on. But he wasnít deviating from the cooking a chicken Kiev, however revolting the end result might be. There are 39 seconds left for you to continue Derek starting now.

DN: Taking the flesh of the chicken I wrapped it very carefully around what Iíd already created...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said carefully before when he was rolling the garlic.

NP: Yes thatís right, he did, heís been very careful but he wasnít careful enough because he repeated himself. And there are 33 seconds for you Peter to talk about cooking chicken Kiev starting now.

PJ: You can stuff these chicken breasts with the frozen butter flavoured with garlic and then put them in an infra-red oven which manages to cook it in a matter of seconds. And then if you serve it with the rice that youíve previously bought at a shop, not grown, it can be a really delightful dish.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Youíve really got to deep-fry chicken Kiev, you canít do it in a...

NP: No...

CF: ... microwave oven.

NP: And anyway if youíre going to say thatís true Iím not going to disagree with you! So as a, as a cooking expert, Clement would know, but I know youíre right. So there are 15 seconds for cooking chicken Kiev starting now.

CF: One of the great joys when youíve cooked a chicken Kiev...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Youíre talking about the joys after youíve cooked a chicken Kiev, rather than cooking a chicken Kiev.

NP: He wasnít deviating from cooking chicken Kiev.

DN: One of the great joys after youíve cooked a chicken Kiev...

CF: No, of cooking.

NP: Of cooking!

DN: Iím so sorry, Mr Freud, I do retract.

NP: Where does this sudden politeness come from all of the sudden? Clement you still have the subject and there are nine seconds for cooking chicken Kiev starting now.

CF: Comes in not telling people what it is that youíre putting before them. As a result of which they plunge their knife into the breadcrumb mass and spoil their tie...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud gained some more points including one for speaking as the whistle went. Heís equal with Peter Jones and theyíre five points behind Derek Nimmo whoís still in the lead. Kenneth Williams is trailing a little but we have heard quite a lot from him. So Kenneth will you tell us about George Peabody in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: He was the most probably famous in Baltimore philanthropist ever born and was of considerable benefit to this city when he arrived here in the 19th century. And of course by municipal housing did a considerable amount to improve the lot of residents of that kind of property. He interested himself in Keynesí expedition to the Antarctic and forked out to the tune of one and a half million which isnít bad when you come to think of it. And know that money would be worth far more then than it is now! He also loved this city which weíre all living in now. And he chose never to return to North America or the city in that...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams...

KW: I donít wonder! Itís only because nobody else wanted it! I know! Donít worry yourself! Theyíre not generous, this lot!

NP: Anyway Kenneth Williams...

KW: I know!

NP: ...started with the subject of George Peabody and kept going with it for the full 60 seconds and told us something very interesting about the American philanthropist, and he gained two points, and he is still in third place. One for not being interrupted and one for speaking as the whistle went. By the way you did convey Kenneth that he gave one and a half million towards Keynesí Antarctic expedition, but it was juts one and a half million, I think, he gave away overall.

KW: Why donít you shut your row! You donít know, I mean, coming in, trying to cast discredit on the speaker...

NP: I just want to put the facts right! I do get letters occasionally. They always think that in some areas...

KW: Well they can shut their rows as well! I donít want to know! Let them come up here and do better than what Iím doing!

NP: Iíll tell you this, some people write to me about that, you telling me to shut my row! They do you know!

KW: Well thatís one of those hazards you see! This is the involuntary isnít it, the programme where you come out with it. You donít hold yourself in! If itís all inhibited, if you donít let it hang out then nothing would go on, would it. Weíd just sit here moaning at each other.

NP: Exactly and thatís what Iíve always replied, that part of Just A Minute is the fun that we have...

KW: Precisely! They all know that outside weíre all great.... Oooh you havenít bought me a drink for ages actually!

NP: Derek Nimmo, letís get on with the game and ask you to begin the next round. The subject now is my advice to you. So you can take that in any way you like and you have Just A Minute in which to do it starting now.

DN: My advice to you Nicholas Parsons is to clear off as quick as you can! And wash off your street slap before you go down there because youíll be arrested mate or something nasty or somebody will hit you with a handbag or something!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: I cannot... Deviation, I cannot sit here and hear a chairman as fair minded, as august, as clever, suffer. Iím sorry, I think itís outside the rules of the game, I donít think itís fair.

NP: It was very devious wasnít it Kenneth...

KW: Yes!

NP: I quite agree...

DN: To my advice to you!

NP: I will now buy you more than one drink!

KW: Oh just a medium sherry!

NP: Well all right, you have a medium point and you take over the subject of my advice to you with 45 seconds left starting now.

KW: That line was once written by Queen Victoria to her daughter in Berlin. My advice to you is to be firm with Willy. The wedding will take place at the Chapel Bruehr and not in Germany. It is not every day that a Princeling marries the daughter of the Empress of India and the Queen of Great Britain...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: With respect, two Queens.

NP: Yes! Iím afraid...

DN: Queen Victoria and the Queen...

NP: You did repeat the Queen.

KW: Iím non-plussed. I just donít, I mean, words...

NP: I know because you were going so beautifully and you were completely carried away because I could see it in your eyes. It was all flowing and you werenít aware of that fact. And thatís very sad because youíve been very generous to me for once. But I have to be fair within the context of Just A Minute and unfortunately I have to give the subject back to Derek Nimmo which I really resent after what he just said. Shows you how fair I am! And Derek you have 22 seconds to take up the subject of my advice to you starting now.

DN: My advice to you, dear people sitting in the audience tonight, is to be nice and charming to everybody that you meet. To show consideration to our weak minded chairman. Because although he is not just a pretty face, in fact I donít think heís anything like that at all, do feel pity....

WHISTLE

NP: I donít know what you were talking about then but the audience laughed...

DN: You!

NP: Well all right, Pretty Face Nimmo. You have got a commanding lead, in fact youíve got twice as many points as Peter Jones and Clement Freud who are equal in second place, and three times as many points as Kenneth Williams. If you do some arithmetic at hime youíll find out what the score is! And Peter Jones, your turn to begin. The subject is my natural habitat. Thereís someone with a dirty laugh in the audience who doesnít think very highly of you Peter!

PJ: Never mind!

NP: There is Just A Minute on which to talk on the subject starting now.

PJ: Well I suppose itís the stage doors and dressing rooms, even the stages of West End Theatres, the studios, the managers offices, and of course the BBC Canteen. Not the Savoy Grill or the old fashioned great restaurants of the past. Marnoes is one that springs to mind, that was never one of my natural habitats. But on the other hand I am often seen in the small snack bars and takeaway...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well he didnít take away. Hesitation.

NP: No he was going very well.

PJ: I didnít want to mention a brand name actually, that was what I was, er...

NP: Well he wasnít very happy about it but certainly he kept going. So Peter you continue with 28 seconds left on my natural habitat starting now.

PJ: Pubs in both the saloon and private bars, and cocktail places as well. Of course I hang around there hoping that somebody...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes.

KW: Oh thatís one word! I think..

DN: Of course is two words!

KW: ... thatís really rotten, things were just getting under way, it was getting nice, the cocktail bar, I was loving all that! I mean he was getting really warmed up wasnít he.

NP: Yes well I don;t think he was very warmed up, I think he was a bit, um, he was a bit miserable about his natural habitat. No but anyway you did repeat yourself Peter so there are 21 seconds left for Derek Nimmo to talk on my natural habitat starting now.

DN: My natural habitat is the wild moors of northern Scotland. Wandering along with my kilt swishing around my knees and my claymoor by my side...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You wander about in a kilt, not with a kilt.

DN: If youíre, if youíre wearing, if youíre wearing trousers you have to carry it

NP: He was wandering but he did say with his kilt swishing around which may...

CF: I know!

PJ: He also said he had his claymoor by his side! That was the most extraordinary thing I thought!

NP: That was genuine deviation but...

PJ: Yes! Quite!

NP: Clement there are 11 seconds for my natural habitat starting now.

CF: My natural habitat is the fenlands of Cambridgeshire which are flat predominantly but where there is a hill 123 feet high in Hadenham...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained an extra point and with that flat comment of his we have to bring the game to an end. Let me give you the final score. Kenneth Williams who has been winning once or twice recently, Iím afraid finished in fourth place. He contributed his usual value to the programme which we enjoy so much. Peter Jones who contributed his wit and bon homie as well in his natural habitat came in second place, one point behind Clement Freud. But they were all quite a long way behind this weekís winner who is Derek Nimmo. We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, the battle of wits, of verbal ingenuity, and will want to join us again. From all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.