JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 March 1982)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. And that enthusiastic response from our studio audience might be one of sympathy because this alas is going to be the last show in the present series of Just A Minute.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes we feel even worse because we get paid for coming here.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Yeah I heard you get more than the rest of us! Did you know about that Derek?

DEREK NIMMO: I told you!

KW: Yes he gets more! Because heís the chairman!

DN: Yes I know! I know!

NP: We have our four regular guests, well of course I mean who better to have the show and to finish with, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams. Or Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud, whichever way you like. And once again theyíre going...

PETER JONES: Well I like Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams...

NP: And theyíre going to will try and speak if they can on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that as usual without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. We begin the show with Derek Nimmo. And it is blowing bubbles. Derek will you try and... you donít need to demonstrate, just talk on blowing bubbles, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I remember I used to be sat in my garden, in a little slot, with a bowl in front of me and a clay pipe with which to blow the bubbles. I used to puff down the thing and away they would waft, through the cherry blossom and through all kinds of manner of spring flowers...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said through at least twice.

NP: He did say through twice, yes, he repeated the word through. And so you have a correct challenge Peter, you take over the subject, a point for a correct challenge of course and there are 44 seconds for blowing bubbles starting now.

PJ: Well itís really no occupation for a grown man. Or woman for that matter. They last very little time and theyíre not particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Men and women last for a very little time?

PJ: No, the bubbles.

NP: He had established in my mind that the bubbles didnít last because we...

PJ: Well, my God! If I established it in your mind, it should have been clear to Clement!

NP: I can see weíre going to finish the series the way we started it! But in spite of the remarks I will show you how fair I am. Peter I disagree with the challenge so you have a point and you keep the subject, and you have 36 seconds, blowing bubbles, starting now.

PJ: And theyíre not really very pretty. You can get the same effect by treading on a piece of orange peel in a puddle. All the same colours of the rainbow emerge. And of course they last a great deal longer. But blowing bubbles...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I did, didnít I?

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes you must remember.

CF: There was a hesitation, it wasnít very long.

NP: I know and it wasnít...

CF: I wouldnít allow it!

NP: It wasnít long enough to be penalised.

CF: No, no I agree.

NP: But you tried hard...

CF: Yes I did.

NP: ..as always. And there are 23 seconds on blowing bubbles still with Peter starting now.

PJ: I suppose if I really set about it and could equip myself with the right kind of plastic and a pipe which would um...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: There was hesitation there, yes. There are 14, 13 seconds for blowing bubbles with you Derek starting now.

DN: Iím forever blowing bubbles! Pretty bubbles in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: Forever blowing bubbles.

NP: A clever challenge, we give Clement a bonus for his cleverness, Derek Nimmo a point for an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject and continues with 10 seconds starting now.

DN: (singing) They fly so high, nearly reach the sky. (speaking voice) Shall we have a chorus all together?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: One two three! (sings) Iím forever blowing bubbles...

AUDIENCE SINGS WITH DN "IíM FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES"

WHISTLE

NP: Well thatís one point for Derek Nimmo for speaking when the whistle went and 10 points for the audience! In fact as there were quite a few, letís give a hundred points to the audience and then theyíll be the winners at the end because they wonít be able to get that score, will they! So Derek, a nice touch. And when Ian Messiter blows his whistle by the way, it tells us that the 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking then gets that extra point. Derek achieved that and is in the lead with Peter Jones at the end of the round. The next subject is microwave ovens and Clement Freud will you begin and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation! Hesitation!


NP: Iím afraid there definitely was a hesitation Clement. And so there are 58 and a half seconds with you Kenneth on microwave ovens starting now.

KW: There was a case reported in the paper of a lady who purchased one of these things. And while it operated, it leaked its rays, and she suffered greatly in the process. Now then what she done was to sue the manufacturers and a large sum of money was paid out in court. I read this, and I thought ďhello, thereíll be trouble with them microwave ovens when it gets aroundĒ. But to my amazement, they are sold openly without malice aforethought, over the counter. Well when I looked in the shop window and saw, to my surprise, that they were being openly merchan...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of openly.

NP: Yes you did say openly, openly sold over the counter...

KW: Well he shouldnít come in it, he couldnít even start on it!

NP: Well you might have a chance to get back in again Kenneth! So there are 11 seconds with Clement Freud to take over the subject of microwave ovens starting now.

CF: Whereas I admire what microwave ovens set out to do, I do loathe what they achieve, in that every item of food which comes out of them appears to me to be totally inedible...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud gained the extra point for speaking as the whistle went, and at the end of that round he and Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo are equal in the lead, just ahead of Kenneth Williams. Derek begins the next round, the subject is air cushions. Derek can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

DN: Oh I have many happy memories of times spent on air cushions. I think probably the one that I enjoyed most of all was when I was locked in the arms of Denise Briers who is Nicholas Parsonsí wife, and we were floating down the Thames embracing one another in this most extraordinary exciting way. The river was bobbing up and down and we throbbed as one person. This gorgeous creature that he treats so very badly put her lips against mine and we murmured sweet nothings along...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Versatile as Denise Briers is, when her lips are up against somebody elseís, she canít murmur!

NP: Speaking from personal experience, youíd be surprised what Denise Briers can do!

CF: I would have thought it was all she could do when her lips are up against yours!

NP: I would have thought so. You can make a noise, um, put your lips up against your hand and try. (makes kissing noise) You see? So what is your challenge?

CF: You can still murmur.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: No, actually... I donít really want him to carry on this subject, itís acutely embarrassing! But just to show how completely fair I am in the game, I say that was an incorrect challenge actually Derek, so you have to continue and there are 26 seconds left, air cushions starting now.

DN: Of course there are these very jolly air cushions that you can buy in joke shops. And you put them on a chair, and when somebody sits on them, they go (makes farting noise). And everybody wonders whatís happened. They look around, most apprehensively because they think that some untoward physical thing or perhaps has happened inside their anatomy from the lower colon perhaps. But in fact it has all come from an air cushion. Now in the springtime, I take one into a meadow quite frequently and put on top of it...

WHISTLE

NP: If you thought that was rather a weak blow on the whistle, itís because er Ian Messiter who sits beside me was overcome at the thought. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject is the worldís most beautiful building. Will you tell us something on that subject in the game starting now.

CF: Itís awfully difficult to talk about the worldís most beautiful building, unless you have been all over the world and seen every single building. But I think what I can say is that number 28, High Street, Yule, is not the worldís most beautiful building. I passed it the other day and it was quite singularly ugly. The two storied building with an old turret...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heís not talking about the worldís most beautiful building, heís talking about a building that he finds particularly ugly. Heís away from the subject.

CF: Iím talking on the subject of the worldís most beautiful building.

NP: No, no, no, you were deviating, the subject is the worldís most beautiful building, and you had established you were talking about the worldís least beautiful building in your mind. So I think you have well and truly deviated and Derek has the subject...

CF: Itís the consistency I like so much!

NP: Yes, 35 seconds left starting now.

DN: Well I think as far as Iíve seen, and I havenít been all around the world, the most beautiful building that I have actually witnessed must be the Taj Mahal. And I think thereís such an element of surprise to that building, because in all the picture books and the boxes that youíve seen selling chocolates and so on, where you see this particular edifice...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I beg your pardon! I beg your pardon! My buzzer was pressed involuntarily then! Iím mad! Iím so sorry Derek! I do apologise!

DN: Thatís all right, Ken! Okay Ken! All is forgiven Ken!

KW: Thanks chum!

NP: Youíre not having him for repetition of see?

KW: No, I, no, he said see...

DN: Donít start suggesting...

KW: ... the first time, and seen the second.

NP: Right there are, Derek an incorrect challenge, so you have for being interrupted and you have 17 seconds left starting now.

DN: Built by the great Mogul emperor Shah Jahan, all those years ago. It was going to be accompanied by another one built in black marble which would have been...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of built.

NP: Yes you did mention built before.

DN: No I did not!

NP: Yes.

DN: Built, did I?

NP: Definitely.

DN: Oh all right.

NP: And Clement you have the subject back now, nine and a half seconds, the worldís most beautiful building starting now.

CF: The Victorian house in Wimpole Street in which I live is perhaps the worldís most beautiful building. Because Victoriana is close to my heart...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh theyíre still struggling neck and neck. At the end of that round it is Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams equal with six points, one point behind Derek Nimmo in the lead. Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, knowledge. Will you tell us something about knowledge in the game starting now.

KW: Well of course you see, a lot of people imagine that if your head is full of extraordinary facts and youíre able to have the sort of retention which enables you to chop these items out at will and you become Brain of Britain, or Mastermind with that goblet in your hand, that is what they think is knowledge. Well you see it isnít, knowledge is knowing where to get the enlightenment. You donít have to go around like some card file index system, on the contrary, I can pop to the preference er...

BUZZ

KW: I was going to say pop round to the reference library and I got it all...

NP: I know. And Derek Nimmo got in, Derek you have 20 seconds to talk about knowledge starting now.

DN: They say sometimes that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: They donít say anything of the kind.

NP: No, itís the wrong quotation.

KW: You see, itís a little learning...

NP: Learning.

KW: ... is a dangerous thing.

PJ: Nevertheless they do say a little...

KW: (shouts) Shut your row! How dare you!

DN: Anyone can say it!

KW: Heís always trying to get one better than me! Heís always doing it! He just objects to the fact Iíve got this lovely hair! he objects to the fact itís like spun gold...

NP: Kenneth actually, heís quite right, they might say that but theyíre misquoting you see, so heís not actually deviating from the subject on the card. So Derek you continue with 16 seconds on knowledge starting now.

DN: Of course there are some kinds of knowledge which you donít normally tell people about. Now I for instance have carnal knowledge of Nicholas Parsonsí wife! Now this isnít something I actually tell people about very frequently...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I donít think this has any place in a family programme!

KW: Itís a family show, yes! Itís a family show!

PJ: We may all, we may all be dragged as witnesses. It could lead to very, a lot of unpleasantness!

NP: I donít think itís got any place in any show, let alone this one!

PJ: No, quite!

CF: Well you should know!

NP: I think itís something between the two of them they should...

PJ: And after that revelation about his er meeting her on the river and everything...

NP: Peter I entirely agree with your challenge, because...

PJ: Quite!

NP: ... I like to believe that this carnal knowledge to which he refers did not take place. And Iím sure the audience would not believe it, knowing what a fine upright standing character that Derek Nimmo really is. Do you really think that he would do that to my...

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre all saying yes! Right so weíre not taking a vote on it! Weíre going to let Peter Jones have a correct challenge with five seconds to go on knowledge starting now.

PJ: Or touch not the Pierian spring. Thatís the second half of the quotation to do...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones has moved forward, as well as getting that all important extra point for speaking as the whistle went, and heís now equal with Derek Nimmo in the lead. Theyíre both three points ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams equal in second place. Peter the next subject is things worth collecting. Will you start with that one in the game, 60 seconds beginning now.

PJ: Well judging from the junk stalls at the market, practically anything is worthwhile collecting nowadays. Like old bottle tops and tin cans. If somebody says that theyíre assembling examples of chewed gum, I wouldnít be at all surprised if they didnít have a price. And bits of matchbox tops and ah discarded clothing...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: And er.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Did I say er? Yes, itís a kind of mannerism really. Itís not quite fair to challenge me on that. But still, I quite understand, itís er part of the game...

NP: One thing you havenít evolved, as the others have, yet Peter, is that once you are floundering a little you mustnít lose confidence. A glazed look comes over your eyes and they know...

PJ: Yes.

NP: ... youíre just about...

PJ: Yes I know! Glazed look, thatís always been my trouble really, glazed look. I remember when I was out with your wife once, and this glazed look um...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, CF THE AUDIENCE

PJ: (laughing) .... it came over and um and she, she rumbled me right away!

NP: So Kenneth, hesitation, you have the subject of things worth collecting, 40 seconds starting now.

KW: Well you know, my bank manager said to me ďpeople might as well stick their pound notes under the bed, because in time, when they become obsolete they are still having what you call a face value. And collectors will regard them as highly prized pieces.Ē And so consequently everything is worth holding on to. Now Iíve even heard theyíre selling old share certificates issued by the Chinese Government of the Ming Dynasty, if you please, or Fu Man Chu, thatís another one I think. But on the other hand you see, Russian bonds which I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of bonds. Chinese bonds, Russian bonds.

NP: Yes right Clement, and four seconds are left for you to tell, talk about things worth collecting starting now.

CF: Oneís colleagueís wives are well worth collecting! And in particular...

WHISTLE

NP: Well well! And if you have a shy wife as I do, sheíll be very embarrassed when she hears this show. Itís a very interesting contest. Clement Freud...

PJ: Weíre going to put her on the map! Very likely on the street!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughing) You have! Sheís going to be getting the letters after this show! Yes Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud are still equal in second place, but theyíre both only one point behind our joint leaders now, Derek Nimmo and um Peter Jones. The next subject is canaries and itís your turn to begin Derek. And you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: Canaries sometimes sing. Actually itís rather interesting you know, that the Canary Islands from which the particular bird comes. By the way in their wild state they are green. Itís only when they are brought back to civilisation they turn this glorious yellow that we...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís confusing them with bananas!

NP: He is confusing them with bananas because theyíre brown in their natural state, not green.

DN: Theyíre green!

NP: Theyíre brown!

DN: Green!

NP: Anyway weíll give Peter a point for a superb challenge because we did enjoy it, leave the subject with Derek Nimmo, canaries and there are 46 seconds starting now.

DN: It still has the Roman root, canaries, of cannai or cannis which is the Latin word for dog. Because when they first went there, these people that Iíve been talking about, living about 2000 years ago, they found a species of wild...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation. Slight hesitation. Stumbling.

NP: Very slight yes.

PJ: Well slight.

NP: But not a, not enough to be considered er a genuine hesitation.

PJ: Not quite enough hesitation?

NP: No. Not enough to within the context of the game and the rules as I try to interpret them. There are 31 seconds for canaries still with you Derek starting now.

DN: Also from the Canaries comes a particularly fine wine which was extraordinarily popular in the 18th century, and then seemed to lose favour at the beginning of the 19th. It was rather like madeira perhaps. I wonder why we donít import more of Canaries wines today...

BUZZ

DN: Oh! Yes right.

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of wines.

NP: No, he said wine before and wines the second time.

DN: Wines the second time, Canary wines.

NP: Wine the first time...

CF: It was near enough wasnít it? Within the meaning, as you interpret this game...

NP: Yes but if I gave it the other way, theyíd be jumping on me like a ton of bricks!

CF: There were a lot of other things that I could have objected to.

NP: I know there were but you didnít bother.

CF: No.

NP: There are 15 seconds on canaries Derek starting now.

DN: Coal miners take canaries down the pits with them. The reason for this actually...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: No, they donít do that any more. They used to but they donít any more. Because theyíve got electronic devices that they use, much more efficient. Canaries are very unreliable as detectors, testers of presence of gas.

NP: I havenít been down a pit for quite a while Peter, so I believe youíre right...

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: So I give you the benefit of the doubt and er weíll have 11 seconds for you on canaries starting now.

PJ: They are fairly useless birds altogether since theyíre no longer of any good down the mine. And the eggs are very, no nourishment really in the eggs...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Iím afraid there was a hesitation.

PJ: Oh there was, I think thereís no question. Even... even the way that you interpret the rules I think there was a hesitation.

LAUGHTER FROM KW, CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Four seconds for Derek Nimmo with canaries starting now.

DN: I once had a canary coloured... pullover which I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I definitely, even the way that I interpret the rules, I definitely consider that one was hesitation.

PJ: And was it green in Madeira and yellow when you got it home?

NP: Clement you have one and a half seconds on canaries starting now.

CF: Mrs Nicholas Parsons had a canary...

WHISTLE

NP: Well now the running order has changed at the end of that round with the number of points that were scored. And with one point separating each of them it goes in descending order from Derek Nimmo to Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And Clement weíre with you to begin, the subject is hurricanes. Can you tell us something about those in the game starting now.

CF: Hurricanes are great build-ups of wind, if you donít mind a technical expression. And when this occurs in the southern hemisphere, each hurricane is given a female name and they work in descending order from the beginning of each year. So that you get Adele, Benedictine, Claudine, Evangeline, Frederica, Georgina, Harriet, Iona, Jacinta, Kaye, Leonora...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

CF: But you...

NP: Yes there was a hesitation.

CF: I thought you stopped me?

NP: No I was trying to stop the others challenging you, we wanted you to go through the alphabet.

CF: I was going to go through the alphabet.

DN: Well why did you stop him doing...

CF: What on earth were you doing? Is this a new game? Is it time your wife took over? She seems to have taken over everything else!

NP: Listen I get messages frequently, which I have to pick up the messages while listening to what youíre saying. If I canít do a gesture with my hands without you being thrown out of the game...

DN: What would you prefer to make the gesture with?

CF: I thought some message had come through!

NP: With your intelligence and erudition, your panache, your style...

CF: Iíll go on then!

NP: All right, try going on...

CF: Maria, Nora, Olive...

PJ: No I donít think he should go on! It was terribly boring, reading all these womenís names. I didnít...

NP: Peter did have a correct challenge and there are 24 seconds...

DN: Itís not true actually because theyíve now brought in a thing, that it was sort of sexist to have womenís names for hurricanes, so now they just have menís names as well.

PJ: And quite right too!

NP: So Peter you have 24 seconds to talk on hurricanes starting now.

PJ: Yes thatís something thatís always annoyed me, that theyíve always used womenís names. And it doesnít seem at all reasonable. I donít know what, how I would describe a hurricane. I donít know why they canít just have numbers...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I donít know why twice.

NP: I donít know why, yes you did, Iím sorry Peter. Derek has a point and the subject, 14 seconds, hurricanes Derek starting now.

DN: Of course the hurricanes were a very good fighter aircraft, but not quite as good as the spitfire which went rather fast and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of good.

NP: Yes Iím afraid, you repeated good twice.

DN: It was good wasnít it.

NP: And Clementís back in with nine and a half seconds on hurricanes starting now.

CF: If hurricanes went by menís names, they would probably be called Archie, Benedict, Charles, David, Edward, Fred, George, Harry, Ivor, Jack...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I apologise if I put Clement Freud off in the middle of that show, that particular round, but it didnít inhibit him at all. And heís now gone forward, one point behind our leader Derek Nimmo, in equal, in company with Peter Jones, a little ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth, weíd like you to begin the next round, the subject is going too far. Something that Ian Messiterís thought of specially for you Iím sure, because you do achieve that magnificently sometimes in Just A Minute. But will you talk on the subject in the game starting now.


KW: I can assure you that this really happened to me! I was supposed to get off the train at Guildford, but I dropped off! And I went too far, landed up at a halt where to my consternation, no immediate transport back was available. So tearfully I cried out ďoh what a plight I am in! Iím supposed to play Maudulin in Richard Of Bordeaux. Could anyone help me to get to the destinationĒ which Iíve mentioned before and canít do again. Well a marvellous bloke turned up, who had what was known as a hansom cab. Well I mean thatís the title they give them, but I donít think itís fair for the modern conveyance is nothing like those that were given that name in Victorian times, you see. Nevertheless he rushed me back and I went on stage and they said ďoh you would never...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams started with the subject of going too far, and he didnít go too far with it. But he kept going until the whistle went, the first time for quite a few weeks that someone has gone for one whole minute without being interrupted or challenged. And so he gains one point for that and a bonus point. Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams were equal in second place, only one point behind Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones. So letís say this week at the end of the series they were all the four winners! Good-bye, from our lovely audience, good-bye, hope youíve enjoyed the show and the series, cheerio!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.