JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 31 July 1982)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome. And we have our four regular panellists, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones. And once again they are going to try and talk if they can for Just A Minute on the subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that as usual without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. Let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams, who better? Kenneth, can you tell us something about what our audience loves. Well thereís one thing thatís already been demonstrated when they applauded at the beginning. But other than that you have 60 seconds to go on that subject starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well they love seeing this battle of wits, as itís been so rightly described by our chairman, under whose benign influence, this show...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmoís challenged right away!

DEREK NIMMO: Heís not benign! He never has been benign, he never will be benign!

CLEMENT FREUD: And he has very little influence!

DN: (laughs) Very little influence, yes!

NP: And I donít think that audience would agree with that challenge, would you?

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No! Exactly!

CF: Creeps!

NP: And I would bow to the superior wisdom of our audience and say Kenneth, that was an incorrect challenge, so you get a point for a wrong challenge, and you keep the subject, there are 51 and a half seconds left, what our audience loves starting now.

KW: Among the things they love, of course, are the dulcet tones which belong to that notable raconteur, writer, actor, mime and brilliant performer, I speak of Kenneth Williams! I donít believe that anyone would want any sort of self-advertising to go on, and Iím not the kind of person to blow...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Thirty-six Is!

PETER JONES: Quite right! Yes!

NP: So whoís counting?

CF: I was!

NP: I donít remember 36 Is...

DN: You have to have two, donít you, for goodness sake.

NP: Yes but weíve never actually challenged on I before.

DN: Oh I see! So 37 would be too many?

NP: Thirty-seven would definitely be too many.

DN: Ah!

NP: But actually, I know how to get out of this one. There werenít 36 because I was counting as well, so itís an incorrect challenge. Um Kenneth you keep the subject with another point, and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

KW: What our audience love is to hear me burst forth into song! When I sing ďI didnít have a bow-wow, Daddy wouldnít buy meĒ, and then all that stuff that follows which of course would be repeating, but I am not...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of ďof courseĒ.

NP: Yes you did say ďof courseĒ before, Iím afraid Kenneth. So that is a correct...

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Listen, you canít have Kenneth all to yourselves for the rest of the show! There are three others, and theyíve all got something to contribute, and itís Derek Nimmo now with the subject, and 16 seconds, what our audience loves starting now.

DN: What our audience really loves is to see the... competitors...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! I think Iíd have a swig at the old cough linctus! Peter Jones, you have a correct challenge, a point to you, and 12 seconds, on what our audience loves starting now.

PJ: Iím sure our audience, like all normal Brits, love the Queen, and Ken Dodd, and sex, violence and bad language, if we are to judge from the programmes which we watch on television....

WHISTLE

NP: Well I think everybody was so shattered by Peterís remarks that they overlooked the pause that followed them. But Peter you kept going until the whistle was blown which tells us that 60 seconds is up...

PJ: Great.

NP: And as you speak at that moment, you get the extra point, and youíre in the lead at the end of that round with Kenneth Williams. Peter will you begin the second round, the subject, queuing at the supermarket. Oh yes, obviously something close to everybodyís heart, and there are 60 seconds to go on the subject Peter starting now.

PJ: Well most of it is quite unnecessary. Because as soon as there isnít a queue, the manager sends two or three cashiers off to tea, so that a queue forms immediately. They like to encourage that, I think, and itís a great pity because of course it makes it much easier to shoplift. In fact itís easier to shoplift than to actually pay for the goods...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

PJ: Are you in this?

CF: Repetition of....

NP: Easier yes...

CF: Easier and shoplift.

NP: I think they wanted him to continue because they were all living it with Peter.

PJ: I think itís depressing that people are just listening for the repeats, and not to the substance of what Iím saying! I find that very frustrating.


NP: I know, Kenneth felt the same last time when he was going.

PJ: Yes.

NP: But letís see what Clement Freud has to say on the subject, with 41 seconds left, queuing at the supermarket starting now.

CF: I donít mind queues to get into a supermarket so much, but resent deeply that once you are in there, they make you stand in a queue to get out. Otherwise you have no alternative but to shoplift, as my friend Peter Jones so very rightly told this erudite audience, who have been standing in line outside this theatre...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of standing.

NP: Yes I donít.... no you said queuing before. He didnít mention the word standing. He said ďI donít mind queuing to get inĒ, not ďstanding in the queue to get inĒ.

PJ: Really?

NP: Yes.

PJ: It took you a long time to work it out!

NP: I, I had to do a very quick mental rerun of every word he said...

PJ: Oh yes yes, the old photographic memory yes!

NP: The little computer, the little computer in my... up there, which is called my grey matter...

PJ: I knew someone had been tampering with it! I didnít know youíd had an electronic device fitted!

NP: Well it might, I thought it wasnít obvious. But Clement an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, 21 seconds, queuing at the supermarket starting now.

CF: Queues in other parts of the world are diminishing very quickly because they have electronic devices whereby...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heís no longer talking about queues at the supermarket. Heís talking about queues with electronic devices in other parts of the world.

CF: In supermarkets.

NP: No, he just said queuing at the other parts of the world. Did you say queuing in supermarkets?

CF: Itís implied, it is...

NP: Oh itís implied, no it wasnít, that wasnít clear. So Derek has the subject and there are...

DN: I donít think that piece of machinery is working very well, do you?

NP: Queuing at the supermarket Derek starting now.

DN: Me? Oh I like queuing at the supermarket, yes indeed...

BUZZ

DN: Sorry.

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

DN: I thought you were giving it the other way round!

CF: He didnít mention queuing at the supermarket, heís talking about himself.

NP: He didnít, he said ďqueuing at the supermarketĒ, I heard it quite distinctly. He started off with queuing at the supermarket. I was listening, 13 seconds Derek for you to continue, queuing at the supermarket...

DN: Why is it that when you finish queuing at the supermarket, youíre always given a trolley with one wheel that only turns left? And you continue to push this wretched thing up and down various queues, as youíre taking the tins from the shelves and then buying...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo got a number of points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went, so heís now taken the lead. Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject is accepting unwanted presents. Will you tell us something about that subject in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I always admire the gracious way the Queen, and the Duke of Edinburgh, in fact most of the Royal Family, accept obviously unwanted presents, like illuminated addresses, and keys to various cities, and perhaps models of Buckingham Palace made out of match stalks, or human bones or teeth or whatever. And I often wonder what they do with them when they get them home. Because they canít reveal them to the er public again, after theyíve accepted them, otherwise it would appear that they didnít want them. So I suppose they are put in some vast incinerator in the bowels of the royal residence and are never seen again. But...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of royal.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Oh yes, royal, yes.

NP: Royal, so Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, you have the subject of accepting unwanted presents, there are 22 seconds starting now.

CF: The one quality which is absolutely essential is grace. Graciously must one accept unwanted presents and the less wanted they are the more accent must give to this quality with which one takes...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Five ones.

CF: Is five!

PJ: Are five.

CF: Five ones are five.

DN: Yes thatís right.

CF: And 36 Is donít count!

NP: Iíll do the same to you as I did to Clement, to be fair. There were not five ones, there were only four. So it was an incorrect challenge. No, repetition of one, all right, six seconds Derek, accepting unwanted presents starting now.

DN: Accepting unwanted presents was not a subject I thought I was going to given for a curious moment. Because he had that funny...

WHISTLE

DN: Oh!

NP: Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, the subject is other peopleís bonfires. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

CF: Other peopleís bonfires consist of unwanted presents which they were given by other people. Itís really as simple as that, and they burn very much more prettily than does oneís own bonfire. If ever you look at what is ablaze in number 32, should you live in number 30, it is higher, burns with a greater incandescence and sparkle, and throws more smoke than anything down the street. Other peopleís bonfires seem to take place on the 5th of November, which is a particularly opportune date for a bonfire, in view of Guy Fawkesí attempt some years previously to blow up the place where I currently work. Although if this programme goes out in many years time, I may in fact not be working but doing extraordinarily important things on behalf of the Royal Family and other members of this team like...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heís no longer talking about other peopleís bonfires, heís talking about his future career.

NP: Yes he had, I think, deviated on to his future career. And we were so carried away with what Clement Freud...

DN: I didnít, I just wanted to hear...

KW: You didnít let him get to the conclusion, thatís the point! He was building up to the fact that his career was to be put on a bonfire!

LAUGHTER FROM PJ, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: You missed the point entirely!

DN: Iím sorry Kenneth!

NP: Well he had deviated for quite a while. So Derek your challenge is correct and youíve got in with three seconds to go on other peopleís bonfires...

CF: Oh!

NP: ... starting now.

DN: The best other peopleís bonfires are those made out of eucalyptic wood which has...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Itís a grammatical deviation.

DN: Yes.

CF: The best other peopleís bonfire.

KW: Yes grammatically incorrect, yes, quite right, yes! Quite right!

NP: Well done Clement, one and a half seconds on other peopleís bonfires starting now.

CF: Swan and Vesters...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud starting with that subject and finishing as well, though in spite of an interruption, has got a number of points, increased or bettered his position. Heís now in second place, but Derek Nimmo still way out in the lead, and also Derek begins the next round. The subject is fiddling. Derek will you tell us something about fiddling in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I think some of the most interesting fiddling currently to be heard in the Home Counties is at Stoke Devonham with a very pretty little church which lies near Cobham. Because very handily adjacent to that is a school run by Yehudi Menuhin for gifted fiddlers, and I often go along to Evening Service to hear the extraordinary sounds made by these children. That man that I mentioned, the wonderful maestro, why hasnít he been given a knighthood? Thatís extraordinary, isnít it, when you think the pleasure heís given for so many years. But one of the times that I enjoyed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well deviation, weíre discussing why Yehudi Menuhin hasnít been given a knighthood...

NP: Exactly!

KW: ... which isnít from the subject of fiddlers.

NP: I quite agree.

PJ: Well it often is, actually!

KW: What, you mean that people....

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Yes, I would have thought Yehudi Menuhin hadnít fiddled in the right way!

NP: Um well said Peter, but Kennethís challenge is correct, he deviated from the subject of fiddling, going on to Yehudi Menuhinís knighthood or possibilities of such, and there are 27 seconds Kenneth, for you to take over the subject of fiddling starting now.

KW: Thereís an awful lot of it goes on, especially in large corporations or public companies, where they make the phone call which is nothing to do with the business of the company. And they do it for their own ends, and they pinch paper clips and they say ďahhhh nobody will miss it, wahhhh make a phone call...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of maaaahh!

NP: Youíre right, you did have two maaaaahhs Iím afraid. Clement, well listened and well challenged.

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If the listeners are wondering what that laugh was, it was Kenneth was so overcome with surprise, he actually touched Clement Freud and the audience seemed to enjoy it. There are 11 seconds for Clement on the subject of fiddling starting now.

CF: In order to fiddle really effectively, you should try first to light Rome, which you might best do by using other peopleís bonfires with which to illum...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement was speaking as the whistle went, just I think. And increased his position in second place, catching up on Derek Nimmo in the lead. And Kenneth Williams and Peter Jones are trailing somewhat in third and fourth place. Will you begin the next round please Peter Jones, papering the ceiling. I donít know whether youíve ever done it, but try and talk on the subject if you can in the game, starting now.

PJ: Well it is something to be avoided at all costs! Itís back breaking and arm swelling, straining. And it really does... impose a tremendous...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Oh Iím sorry, a hesitation.

NP: Yes, heís got his head up to the ceiling and completely overcome with it all. Fifty seconds are left for papering the ceiling Derek starting now.

DN: The thing to start off with is a large pot of cold water paste. I donít like any of these newfangled ones that people use these days, itís not at all nice. But what Iíve just mentioned is absolutely splendid. Put it into a bucket, get your brush, then glue the back of the piece of paper, lift it into the air and put it into the far corner of the ceiling that you want in fact to paper...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No ladder yet!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: Itís a very low ceiling!

NP: He could always get out of it by saying a very low ceiling. What we get out of it in a situation like that, because we love Peterís challenge, is we give him a bonus point for such a good challenge and um Derek Nimmo, we donít take the subject away from you. You keep going because it wasnít legitimate, with papering the ceiling, 30 seconds starting now.

DN: With my spare hand, I get hold of the ladder and drag it over. This of course makes the paper fall down on top of oneís head and all the hairs get into the sticky stuff...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

DN: I donít think so.

NP: I donít think he hesitated, no!

CF: Oh?

NP: No, no, he might have got a bit...

CF: Perhaps I was listening to some other programme!

NP: Yes. No, I donít think, I donít think you hesitated, no you just got the paper stuck in your hair. And there are 20 seconds for papering the ceiling Derek starting now.

DN: This is the best way to have the most major row with oneís wife that I know. Because she will be entrusted to hold the other end, while youíre trying to affix it on to the aforementioned ceiling, and...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well heís mentioned the ceiling before.

DN: Itís in, itís in the...

NP: Ceiling is in the card actually.

PJ: Oh I see. Because he said aforementioned, and I thought well, youíre not supposed to mention it again, are you.

NP: No he was going to say the aforementioned corner of the ceiling, you see, thatís where he started before...

DN: How do you know what I was going to say?

PJ: Ah yes!

DN: Youíve never been clairvoyant before!

NP: No but Iím absolutely brilliant at the job...

DN: Is this new machinery youíve got fixed up there?

PJ: No, no...

DN: Do you do mind reading as well?

PJ: No, donít make personal remarks. Itís the plate in his skull you know. Itís not acting up...

DN: The old war wound!

NP: You now know why, if youíre listening to the programme for the first time, why I am employed as chairman. Because I am the only person who can suffer these insults and still carry on with the job!

PJ: Quite right, yes!

NP: Derek um, it was an incorrect challenge, you have seven seconds on papering the ceiling starting now.

DN: Papering the ceiling, I go along to Sandersonís to buy some of their very nice floral paper which I then take home to the establishment called...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek has increased his lead at the end of that round, getting extra points during that round, and for speaking as the whistle went. A number of repetitions were overlooked. I mean he used the word paper three or four times, and papering is the word on the card. But um...

DN: Well there you are.

NP: There you are, heís out in the lead, in a strong, probably impregnable position for this game. We carry on the show with Clement Freud, and the subject Clement is concentration. Vital in Just A Minute but what can you tell us about the subject in the game starting now.

CF: If someone is way out in front with an almost impregnable lead, then concentration in Just A Minute is pretty unimportant. You can listen as much as you like, and talk such rubbish as you wish. If the idea of playing is to win, then play you must not. Concentration...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I thought there was a long pause.

NP: There definitely was a long pause.

CF: It was the end of a sentence, and the beginning of a new paragraph.

NP: Well if you always talk in paragraphs...

CF: I do!

NP: ... then itís rather difficult for us all. There was definite pause Clement, and there are 40 seconds for Kenneth to talk on the subject of concentration starting now.

KW: The best way to do this is to free yourself of all outside interference and impedimenta. And therefore you are able to give your sole thought to the project under consideration. I always find that the best thing to do is to seclude myself, perhaps in a little...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation?

NP: Yes I think you were going so slow, you were really almost, you were hesitating almost between the words.

KW: Well Iím desperate to get some marks, you see! Iím very low, very low on the list!

NP: I agree, it is, it is a matter of er...

KW: Concentration!

NP: Yes! Whether Derek Nimmo wins or not is incidental, but there is pride as well as the incredible contribution you all make whether youíre winning or not.

KW: And to get the approval of the chairman, you see!

NP: Oh Kenneth! Youíre going too far now! There are 13 seconds for Clement Freud to talk on concentration starting now.

CF: If you get a substance and boil it long enough, whether it be on gas, solid fuel or electricity, then that will be concentrated and thick, and be very much more nutritional than it would otherwise...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud gained a number of points in that round, and Kenneth did as well, and weíre back to Derek Nimmo to begin and the subject is bugs. Will you tell us something about bugs, thatís the subject that Ian Messiterís thought of and you have 60 seconds to talk about it if you can starting now.

DN: Bugs of the electronic er variety are becoming increasingly prevalent these days for industrial espionage. I saw advertised a week or so ago, a suitcase that you can buy which has on the top of it a built-in microphone, so you can hear what people, and it records it for you are saying when you go to see your competitors, business colleagues and so on. Itís all...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You can hear what your colleagues are saying without taking a suitcase to...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, NP, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: It is transmitting a message through to...

NP: It was such a lovely challenge, Peter, you get a point and the subject, and you have 37 seconds to tell us about bugs starting now.

PJ: Well the bugs I remember are those that are in beds in theatrical digs many years ago. They used to be er quite lively little things and they attack one during the hours of darkness, and left weals and unpleasant marks. Terribly irritating and er altogether...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well an er, a definite er.

NP: Yes definite er, yes.

PJ: Yes it was.

NP: Mmm you mentioned what it was and there you are. Bugs is now with you Kenneth and there are 19 and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: Well itís often said medically you can get one of these bugs that you can pick up, they say, in very odd climates that youíre not perhaps used to in the ordinary sense of your usual kind of travel, you see. Then there are bugs in the bed as Peter Jones pointed out, but DDT will always get rid of them...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of D.

NP: Yeah, DDT. So Clementís got in on a good challenge and with only three seconds to go on bugs starting now.

CF: Bugs is one of the lesser known signs of the Zodiac...

WHISTLE

NP: And the only thing they didnít mention was Bugs Bunny! Ah Clement I said that Derek was in an impregnable position, but youíll be interested to hear that with your agility and brilliance at the game, youíre catching up on him rapidly. Youíre only four points behind and ah Kenneth is not far behind. Peterís trailing a little. And Kenneth Williams begins the next round, the subject is King James the Firstís opinion of tobacco. Can you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

KW: I canít remember the exact phrase he used, but he found it offensive. And of course thatís something he shared with Clement Freud, or shared, I mean, I donít mean, ah um in that sense...

BUZZ

NP: Peter, Derek Nimmo challenged.

CF: Oh no!

DN: Well it was a sort of bumbling noise, he didnít say any words. Hesitation.

CF: Oh no! No he kept going very well.

NP: Repetition of p-p-p-p-p-pah!

DN: Yes that was it.

NP: And as he hadnít really got going, it was a very difficult subject, and youíre in an impregnable position, and I think the audience would like him to go on a bit longer, do you mind if Iím a little bit heartless for once, just for once?

DN: My dear, youíre a law unto yourself always!

NP: Yes but, but I think we all like everybody to get a chance on the subject to start with...

DN: Oh yes.

NP: So Kenneth I think weíre going to be very generous and let you continue with 53 seconds left on King James the Firstís opinion of tobacco starting now.

KW: Well he thought it was noxious and poisonous. And of course there are many people who maintain to this day that his judgement was a correct one, and that it should be forbidden in public places, because it can affect not only the person thatís doing it, but those that have got to suffer the kind of nastiness, fumes and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of suffer.

NP: Yes, you did say suffer before, sorry. So Peter, you have the subject of King James the Firstís opinion of tobacco, 29 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I think itís rather sad that itís about all that anybody knows about James the First, a man who lived to be 73 and a half, and as far as I know was fairly active during his lifetime. And he just spent about two minutes of that period talking about the evil effects of tobacco on the human race. And thatís all that can be recalled...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of all.

NP: Yes, you did say that before.

PJ: I said all before?

NP: Yes. A niggling challenge but it was a correct one.

PJ: Yes, quite, yes.

NP: Fair...

PJ: Fairly niggling!

NP: Only once did I deliberately give it against you because Kenneth wanted to get going on the subject, but you have it now, and there are eight, seven and a half seconds on King James the Firstís opinion of tobacco starting now.

DN: King James the Firstís opinion of tobacco desperately upset the good people of Virginia, because that was their principal export, and I think went a long way to...

BUZZ

NP: Oh sorry, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Yes it wasnít their principal export. I havenít time to go into now what their principal export was!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, DN, CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think itís one of those things that... I must put this to the superior judgement of our audience. In the year, in the year sixteen hundred and three when King James the First came to the throne of England, having been called James the Sixth of Scotland. We would like you to judge on what was the principal export of Virginia in that particular year. Now if you agree that it was not tobacco, then you cheer with Peter Jones. And if you agree that it was tobacco, you boo for Derek Nimmo, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They decided it was not the principal export, Peter.

PJ: Thatís right.

NP: So you um, Peter youíve got in with only half a second to go on the subject starting now.

PJ: Give us a fag, will you?

WHISTLE

NP: We have no more time to play the game alas. So, to the end of the contest, let me give you the final score. And Peter Jones finishing on a very nice note, but unfortunately still finished in fourth place. He was a little way behind Kenneth Williams, who was not far behind Clement Freud who never quite caught up on the one who took the lead at the beginning and kept it throughout, our winner this week, Derek Nimmo! Well as Iím sure you realise, we have enjoyed playing the game, I think our audience in the studio have enjoyed it, I hope you have enjoyed it as well. Because weíll be back again next week and we want you to enjoy it then as well. Until then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.