JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 April 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much for that very warm reception and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from our announcer, we have our four regular male keen terrible competitors of the game. And Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject that is on the card in front of me. And we begin the show with Derek Nimmo and the first subject is the friendliest one I know. Sounds as though he might be in the audience! Derek would you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Iíve always had great affection for marsupials, that curious kind of mammal which is found only in Australasia and indeed in one part I think of South America. And the friendliest one I know is the koala bear, a dear little creature which has a pouch, as indeed all of this particular kind of creature has...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two creatures.

NP: Yes there were two creatures. So Clement Freud you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 41 seconds left and you take over the subject of the friendliest one I know starting now.

CF: The friendliest Derek Nimmo I know is the one that lives in south west London and wears rather smart blue suits and affects this extraordinary breathless accent whereby you always think that youíve heard what he said before although the words that he employs may possibly be different. The other friendly people. Kenneth Williams kisses my ear on all possible occasions which is not so much painful as embarrassing and very difficult to explain away to the people of Cambridgeshire who come to me and say...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: He said people twice.

NP: Yes he did Peter and you have the subject now with a point for a correct challenge and there are only four seconds left, the friendliest one I know, starting now.

PJ: Well itís a pub in St Johns Wood and it has the most delightful...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Ian Messiter is in fine whistle blowing style, tells us that 60 seconds are up and as you probably know whoever speaks at that moment agains an extra point. It was Peter Jones, he has the lead at the end of the first round and Iím going to ask him to begin the second round. Peter a lovely subject, martins. Would you talk about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I donít see anything very lovely about it! However they are birds and they look rather like swallows. The uninitiated might think they were, they probably belong to the same family. They live in holes in the sandy cliffside and they eat insects and they kind of make a great fuss about er their...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I couldnít hear Derek.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Um yes I think there was...

DN: Well done.

NP: I think frankly he was coming to a halt, and getting a bit lost in the sand dunes with his pine martins there. Derek you have a point for a correct challenge, there are 40 seconds for martins starting now.

DN: Well there are indeed sand martins but of course house martins are a very particularly nice form of this bird. And I once went to a house in South Africa which...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Not hesitation no. I thought you were going to have repetition for house but you were wrong he didnít hesitate, 29 seconds for martins Derek starting now.

DN: Oh Martin Robertson Justice was a very odd name to have for somebody who was a greyhound. But I entered him in the 3.30 at Norwich and he ran a wonderful race. And to everyoneís surprise...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Thereís no afternoon greyhound racing at Norwich!

NP: Well as I know...

DN: I said, if I may say Mr Chairman, I did say to everyoneís surprise! And as there wasnít a 3.30 at Norwich, thatís why they were surprised!

NP: No no, you canít wriggle out of it that way now, no, no. You made a mistake and youíll have to stand by it! And I know that Clement Freud is right and he has a correct challenge, a point, and 18 seconds for martins starting now.

CF: I actually had an elderly uncle called Martin who invented a new kind of toothpaste, which was quite simply called Martins. And a dentifress to reach the market as this one did, including all the same ingredients as all similar pastes...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of all.

NP: Yes. And you got in with only half a second to go Derek with a repetition, the subject is martins, starting now.

DN: Sir Martin Gillies...

WHISTLE

NP: The uneven applause there was not because they did not wish to clap for Derek Nimmo, Iím sure, it was just because they thought he didnít deserve it for such a small contribution. But it was, but it does let people know that the whistle...

DN: What a monstrous remark!

NP: Itís in keeping with some of the ones youíve said about me all the time isnít it?

DN: If youíve only got quarter of a second to speak, you canít make a very large contribution!

NP: I remember... I can cast my mind back to about 13 weeks ago when I had to step on to the... and I was called a loud mouthed oaf or something and glowering across the...

CF: Nothing has changed then?

NP: Welcome back Clement Freud, all is forgiven! Right let us continue! But before I do I will tell you that Derek Nimmo has quite a strong lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round. Hangover cures. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: One of the best hangover cures that I ever had was performed on me in Berrick-on-Tweed on the borders, and consisted of several people watching most carefully while I was asked to step into a ice cold river, as a result of which I became a Coldstream Guard...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well two colds...

NP: Coldstream is not a separate word. So it wasnít...

DN: It wasnít but I thought at the time it was going to be!

NP: Yes Derek buzzed...

DN: Cold stream you see!

NP: Well listened but incorrect. So Clement keeps the subject and a point for a wrong challenge, 39 seconds are left for hangover cures starting now.

CF: There is something which comes from the east called a...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Peter, so you have hangover cures and there are 35 seconds left starting now.

PJ: The best hangover cure I know is a fortnight in the south of France. If itís in the summer. In the winter, then Bahamas or Jamaica. Because obviously to get a hangover you must be extremely rich and you can well afford this extravagant cure! And while youíre there in one of these sunny places you can drink fruit juice, you can lie in the sun and bask in the sea. And this will do you the world of good because it will refresh you. Itíll get the alcohol out of your system and youíll be able to get the blood corpuscles coursing around your body as theyíve never...

WHISTLE

NP: Well a magnificent effort Peter which the audience obviously enjoyed. But itís the picture of you basking in the sea which even the audience picked up, and the others let go! But...

DN: Like a shark!

PJ: In the shallow part you know!

NP: He doesnít look like a shark to me!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: You havenít seen him with the money dear!

NP: Peter Jones you did well in that round, getting the extra one for speaking as the whistle went and youíve moved forward into second place, only one behind Derek Nimmo, our leader. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin. The subject, haha! I see why Ian Messiter has thought of this. Itís something that you say often in the programme. My proclivities. Will you tell us something about my proclivities in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: These generally mean your tendencies, which way you are bent. I... mine are particularly given to gestures that are largely traceable to impatience. I am not someone who is a patient person...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: Retract.

NP: Yes because you thought he said...

DN: Patience.

NP: Patience, he said impatience and patient.

KW: Youíve simply earned me a point Derek, and Iím grateful to you! I am beholden to you!

NP: Right! Contain your proclivities, gather your forces, there are 40... 39 seconds left, my proclivities, starting now.

KW: And at school the master said to me...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I wanted him to be beholden to me as well!

NP: And you said it so charmingly, you endeared yourself to every member of this audience. And Kenneth Williams has another point...

CF: Good!

NP: A beholden point and there are 37 seconds, my proclivities, starting now.

KW: In my youth I was commended for art work. They said youíve got the knack, you... They did!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of youíve got.

NP: Yes, you got too much there mate, Iím sorry! And Clement Freud had a correct challenge and there are 30 and one half seconds for my proclivities, starting now.

CF: My proclivities are total reliability and punctuality. Perhaps impatience would have to be one of my proclivities because I do find it terribly difficult to be kind to fools. Nicholas Parsons himself would have noticed this on frequent occasions! But by and large when idiots come up to me and say "I thought you were taller than you are" or "havenít I seen you on telly?" or "Predominantly as your dog...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Iím reluctant to tell you after those remarks that Clement Freud made that he did keep speaking until the whistle went and gained an extra point and and heís now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo. Derek, weíre back with you and the subject is lines. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: One thinks of the Battle of Waterloo, the thin red line which was drawn up against the French, led by the Duke of Wellington, of course at that time he was just Marlborough. And the splendid commander of the cavalry, the Marquis of Anglesey he was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. The famous thin red line drawn against the enemy was not at Waterloo, it was in the Crimea. It was nothing to do with Waterloo and its extremely devious, this whole account, because it was the squares which held the English at Waterloo, it was nothing to do with the thin red line.

CF: There was only one line!

KW: Oh yes thatís true yes!

NP: Well anyway Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you have 43 seconds for lines starting now.

KW: The ones I know best are the Great Western railway! And many is the time I have travelled on that won-der-ful lo-co-mo-shee-in....

BUZZ

KW: ... method... Was that you? Whatís the matter now? Whoís doing it?

NP: Clement Freud is doing it on the buzzer.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You canít travel on a locomosheeon method!

NP: Yes...

CF: You really canít!

NP: I think whatever score, you were in difficulties and Clement got in with a correct challenge and 32 seconds for lines Clement starting now.

CF: My favourite...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones?

PJ: Very slow off the mark!

NP: Yes hesitation.

KW: Quite right! Yes very! Hesitation! Yes I noticed that! Hahhahahahahahaha!

NP: His locomosheeon was not all that hot! Peter there are 30 and one half seconds for lines starting now.

PJ: Well there are all the underground railway lines, there are the yellow parking lines...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two there ares!

NP: I know! A rotten challenge but he got it!

KW: Good job! Hahhahahahahahaha!

NP: Youíve got a point and 25 seconds, lines, starting now.

KW: And bowling along on the Cornish Riviera Express I used to say to them "bring your best wine list to me for I shall choose...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They only just have one wine list! The concept that they have a good wine list and a bad wine list...

KW: I think youíve got it wrong dear! I was discussing the great western railway, about which you have little experience!

CF: The Cornish Riviera Express!

KW: The great western I started off with, the great western railway! It doesnít exist today! So how the hell do you know!

NP: Kenneth keep your adrenalin under control please! His challenge was for the wine list which was deviation. I agree with Clement, itís a good challenge! You wouldnít have more than one wine list on any railway!

PJ: He wouldnít even ask for that! Iíve been in places where he could ask me to have a drink, heís never done anything like that!

KW: Well I was going to go to a small sherry! I was honestly!

NP: Yes! Well you look a bit like one. But weíll ... Clement a correct challenge, there are 18 seconds, lines, starting now.

CF: An extraordinary usage of the word lines now describes the things grocers have up on shelves. And you say "excuse me do you carry this?" and they say "it is a line which we have discontinued". An extraordinary thing...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of extraordinary.

NP: Yes. That is right. Four seconds are left, another point to you Derek.

DN: The headmaster brought me into his study and said "Nimmo you will have to write 500 lines before tomorrow morning...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we have a very keen contest this week. Derek Nimmo is fighting back, having got a strong lead at the start. Heís now back in the lead with Clement Freud who had just previously overtaken him. Peter Jones, itís your turn to begin, youíre not far behind them. The subject is backgammon and there are 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I think youíve deliberately chosen that subject for me because you know Iím not good at games, and I know nothing at all about backgammon. But I can only separate the word into back and gammon, and I think of ham which can be cooked quite well with pieces of pineapple. And er back...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: And er.

NP: Yes. Because when he said ham he automatically thought of Derek Nimmo! But he didnít like to say it, he was too polite! There are 43 seconds, backgammon is the subject Kenneth and you have it starting now.

KW: For the ptomaine I got from your famous tinned salmon,

And the fortune I lost when you taught me backgammon,

And for making my face...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Well I, I had to because I realised the word was disgusting!

NP: Iím very pleased! We will give a prize at the end of the series for the first postcard with the correct word that Kenneth Williams didnít say. And weíll continue with Just A Minute and there are 34 seconds for backgammon Clement starting now.

CF: Backgammon is becoming an extraordinarily popular game which is played on a board with 30 pieces, 15 of which are white and a similar number are red in colour. And the two opponents sit opposite each other, use dice and decide whether to start by the number thrown and shone...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of number.

NP: Yes! There are 12 seconds left for backgammon with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: Well I really know very little more about backgammon.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of know. Didnít know very much about it in the beginning!

KW: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

NP: Donít be mean Kenneth! just because Derek had a correct challenge! There are nine seconds, backgammon, Derek starting now.

DN: I went to the backgammon championship held recently at the Ladbroke Club. And there I found an assortment of old chums who it turned out could play most extraordinary games...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are still battling out the lead, Derekís one ahead of Clement but Peter Jones is only three behind our leader and Kenneth Williams is five behind our leader. In fact he is half the number so you can work it out that he is five and Derek has 10. Clement Freud will you begin the next round please, the subject shockers with 60 seconds now.

CF: Shockers are words that tend to make people pull up in their traces, blush, blanche, possibly go some other colour of the rainbow, which are of course violet, indigo...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Well blanche is not a colour of the rainbow so you canít be going some other colour of the rainbow.

CF: Oh yes! Other colour than blanche which is not a colour of the rainbow!

DN: Other colour of the rainbow is what you said!

NP: You certainly cannot go all those other colours of the rainbow.

CF: Yes you can! Go violet, indigo, blue, green, orange and red!

NP: When you come to think of it I suppose, according to the disease youíve got or the illness you have or the shock youíve had, Clement Freud has a dubiously correct line of thought. So we allow him to keep the subject and there are 47 seconds for shockers starting now.

CF: One of the most appalling shockers I have ever come across accosted me in Sackfield Street in the southwest part of the west end of London...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of west.

NP: Yes...

CF: I think southwest is hyphenated.

NP: No it isnít!

CF: Southwest is not hyphenated?

NP: Oh its doubtful, itís very doubtful!

CF: The southwest is doubtfully hyphenated!

NP: Yes! Kenneth Williams will you please pull yourself together! There are 37 seconds for shockers Derek starting now.

DN: Well the most awful shockers that I ever witnessed was when I saw a man turn all the colours of the rainbow, which you can remember by saying Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain. And then you can turn the colours round in the way that Mr Freudís recently described...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged again.

CF: Repetition of colour.

NP: That is right Clement and you have the subject back of shockers and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: Sneaking up to me on Platform 14 at Paddington Station this shocker grabbed at my inner leg and putting his left finger into my right pocket extricated the only 20 pound note that was still then in my possession. "You shocker," I said to him, calling the police, even at that same moment. And a constable...

WHISTLE

NP: What a fascinating life you lead Clement! And Kenneth weíre back with you to start. And the subject that Ian Messiter has brought along for you to talk about and we hope you know something about it. We know you like history. Itís Queen Hatshepsott of 1600 BC. Do you know anything about her? But if not try...

KW: I know enough to know that your pronounciation is all wrong!

NP: Well you give us your pronounciation.

KW: Howshepsuit.

CF: Iím sorry?

KW: Howshepsuit.

NP: I was trying to help you...

KW: Yes, Howshepsuit., you should always say Howshepsuit. Just like Thosthames is Thomas.

NP: Queen Hapshepsott of 1600 BC starting now.

KW: Howshepsuit was married to her father under the most extraordinary arrangement which was prevalent then with the Pharaohs of the Egypt. And he married her in turn to his son...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Well incest was bad enough but sheís now married him twice!

KW: Thatís what she did to him in life!

NP: Yes!

KW: Thatís what happened in life!

NP: You did repeat the word married...

KW: All right, well he remarried!

NP: Queen Hapshepsott of 1600 BC Clement and there are 48 seconds left starting now.

CF: The only time I ever saw a picture of Queen Howshepsuit was in a portrait gallery in Leipseek. Who is this regal lady, I asked the museum keeper. And he said...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well I mean itís quite, itís totally devious. There wasnít a painting of her in 1600 years BC.

NP: Yes but there still could have been a painting done...

KW: Portraits in museum twice, you should have got him on that!

NP: But he ... If you agree with Derekís challenge you cheer with him, and if youíre with Clement Freud you boo for him and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS

NP: Itís a draw! Iím going to give the subject back to Kenneth Williams because it was his subject originally and thatís brought a lovely little flush and smile to his face! And he will continue for 34 seconds starting now.

KW: Howshepsuit not only did marry these two...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud...

KW: No I said married before, and I said marry this time.

NP: Thatís perfectly right!

KW: Thank you!

NP: Youíve got another point there!

KW: Thank you very much!

NP: You have 30 seconds starting now.

KW: Howshepsuit also acted as a Bresian...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of also.

NP: Yes! What a rotten challenge! He has another point and you continue for 27 seconds starting now.

KW: She opened the famous turquoise mines at Marberry and organised an overseas and marine expedition to Punt which we now know as modern Somaliland. And before they left she gave them a form of address which could be called exhortatory and said "go at it lads, get into those boats, pull those oars and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I think that was a popular awarding of points and a great success on Kennethís part as he kept going with the subject, gaining an extra point when the whistle went. Heís in third place but heís catching up on Derek Nimmo who is two points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Derek your turn to begin. The subject is my favourite words. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: My favourous... words...

BUZZ

KW: A wee hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Kenneth, hesitation. Another point and 58 seconds, a very sharp challenge but youíve now got the adrenalin going, the bit between your teeth and weíll see you move forward on my favourite words starting now.

KW: My favourite words include plum and pandiculate, gomthosis, and kumquats. What delicious fruit they are! And how the name conjures up a vision of old cafes. Orders change and yield their place to new. And fashionable words cease to be in vogue. Thus we find diligence is dropped. Whatís the matter with you?

BUZZ

KW: How can I talk when youíre doing that waving?

PJ: Hesitation!

NP: What? No I mean...

KW: Heís ruining me Nick! Heís been waving and ...

NP: Heís been ruining you?

KW:Heís ruined my only chance I had of success! Are we here to play this game properly or not?

DN: Yes!

KW: I mean I just want to know where I stand! I mean...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Iíve been treated...

NP: Kenneth! Three things. First of all, donít play to the audience! secondly youíre not standing, youíre sitting. And if you havenít been ruined by now, you should have been.

KW: Donít laugh, Iím done worse...

NP: Thirdly, thirdly, Iím not going to allow the challenge. Kenneth you have another point, 16 seconds, my favourite words starting now.

KW: And now the thread has gone from me! And though...

BUZZ

KW: ... those were the words that would have sprung...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: ... into my lips, had I been given the opportunity...

NP: Kenneth. Kenneth would you let the words not spring because Clement did challenge you a little while ago.

CF: Repetition of thread and of words

NP: Yes. My...

DN: Words is on the card.

NP: Words is on the card.

DN: Yes.

CF: repetition of thread.

KW: I didnít say thread before.

NP: No...

KW: Iíve never said the word thread.

CF: Havenít you?

NP: He never said the word thread...

KW: I havenít said thread have I? Thank you.

NP: He said heíd lost his thread before when the game wasnít. No, you have another point...

KW: Thank you, yes!

NP: Fourteen seconds, my favourite words starting now.

KW: Words crack and break under the strain as TS Eliot put remarkably well that dilemna which faces all men of letters, would be authors, writers, mon...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that big cheer and prolonged applause probably is because our audience here realise that Kenneth had really achieved something with that tremendous flourish....

KW: Yes! Yes! Yes!

NP: Shut up.

KW: Itís true! I was marvellous! Go on!

NP: Contain yourself! Because I have to wind up the show and say that Peter Jones this week came in fourth place, a little behind...

KW: Yes yes heís in fourth!

NP: Shut up!

KW: Yes he was fourth! Yes, go on! Fourth!

NP: A little way behind Derek Nimmo who was in second place....

KW: Only second yes!

NP: Two points behind Clement Freud, who was in third place!

KW: Third, yes!

NP: And Nicholas Parsons won the show this week! No this week one point ahead with that final flourish, coming from fourth place to first place, Kenneth Williams!

KW: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! Thank you! Thank you!

NP: We do hope that youíve enjoyed Just A Minute and will come and support not only Kenneth Williams but everybody else in the show on some other occasion. We do hope the listeners have enjoyed the programme as much as weíve enjoyed playing it to them and will want to tune in again. Until then from all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.