JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PETER JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 February 1979)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we have our four regular competitors of the game. And as usual Iím going to ask them if they can speak for Just A Minute on a subject I will give them, and if they can do it without hesitation, without repetition or without deviating from the subject. And weíll begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, the subject is excitement, something that you generate a great deal of, and now will you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: The greatest excitement was surely generated when Blondin crossed Niagara Falls, and on a second attempt, did it blindfolded. Then with a man on his shoulders, and later with stilts. Surely the breathless people watching agape, amazed, were excited beyond any ordinary performerís vibrations or whatever it is you would give off in causing that kind of excitement. I mean Iím at a loss even to describe the kind of thrills...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, heís not at a loss, is he?

NP: Yes, what a difficult challenge, yes, heís not at a loss to describe it because normally he would be at a loss. But he has to keep going in Just A Minute, so therefore he has to overcome those difficulties. Therefore I would say he was not deviating from the subject of excitement, in fact he was demonstrating it admirably. And Kenneth, a wrong challenge, you get a point for that of course, and there are 23 seconds, excitement, starting now.

KW: Great excitement of course is always generated...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Of course, repetition of.

NP: Yes you did say of course before, Iím afraid. Clement Freud you have a point for a correct challenge and 20 seconds on excitement starting now.

CF: Of course, what excites me more than almost anything else is sitting next to Kenneth Williams, feeling him throb. He actually vibrates and his jacket goes in and out, up and down, through and along, away and asunder. And it is a tremendous joy for me to have this fine actor....

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. It was Clement Freud who is in the lead, of course, at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round and the subject is operating a gondola, starting now.

DN: Well I havenít actually operated a gondola, but I have...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: I would definitely agree, Peter. There are 55 and one half seconds for operating a gondola with you starting now.

PJ: Well if you are thinking of taking up the operation of a gondola, my advice is donít do it Venice because there are far too many there already! The best place to attempt this venture would probably be Crewe, or some other place where they donít have much glamour or anything of any great interest...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: They havenít got much water really either. Deviation.

NP: Peter I donít think you were strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card. So you continue having got an extra point, sorry, a point for a wrong challenge and there are 36 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Perhaps the Thames would be a good place to start it, because one could go across...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: To operate a gondola, youíve got to stick a pole in, havenít you? Wouldnít it be rather a long way down?

PJ: No, you havenít, itís an oar! You stick...

DN: Oh you stick an oar in, do you?

NP: Thatís right, no, no, itís an oar... Iím sorry, this is very good on radio, all this demonstration Iím giving. No, a wrong challenge, Iím afraid Derek, 32 seconds are left Peter, operating a gondola starting now.

PJ: You could pli... get...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes thatís what happens when youíre interrupted twice running so rapidly. And 31 seconds are left for you on operating a gondola Clement starting now.

CF: I think thereís nothing more exciting or memorable than watching a Venetian gondolier operating his boat or gondola. Because itís on the card I can say it again. They travel at enormous speeds with such skill and dexterity...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Well they donít travel at enormous speeds.

CF: They do actually.

NP: I think they travel at enormous speed for a boat. But not at enormous speeds.

CF: Well not for Concorde I mean...

NP: No! Thatís one of those things...

CF: Compared to a BIM!

NP: ... thatís very difficult to judge, so when I have an impossible judgement to make, I always put it to the superior wisdom of our very intelligent looking audience. So will you judge and if you agree with the challenge that they donít operate at speed, then you cheer...

DN: Enormous speed!

CF: Enormous speed!

NP:... for Peter Jones, enormous speed, yes, and if you think that they do operate at enormous speed then you boo for Clement Freud, but you all do it together now.

BOOS AND CHEERS

NP: They all think gondolas operate at enormous speed. Theyíre obviously speaking from experience, all their wet feet, theyíve obviously come from Venice. Clement you have the decision of the audience, you get a point and the subject still, 17 seconds, starting now.

CF: Most gondoliers look extraordinarily like Derek Nimmo...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of gondolier.

NP: That is right Derek, he said it before, 15 seconds are left with you starting now.

DN: In Kashmir they have a boat called a shakeera which looks very like a gondola. Itís operated in much the same way, a man is with an oar at the back of the boat, and rows along very gently through these lovely lotus-ridden lakes, beneath the gardens of Shalimar. To me it is the most heavenly and perfect way of being transported...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, he gained that extra point, but heís in third place just behind Peter Jones and Clement Freud in the lead. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject is Thebes. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: The ancient er... Greeks...

BUZZ

DN: Hesitation, the ancient er Greeks.

NP: The ancient er, yes, what a pity. There are 58 seconds on Thebes with you Derek Nimmo, starting now.

DN: Oedipus Rex telling the great story of the phantom Thebes. I went to see the lovely theatre at Esidarus last summer, and sitting in this 14,000 capacity ampitheatre, one saw the great Sophocles drama unfold in front of one. The ancient Thebians was...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of ancient.

NP: Yes that is right, well listened Peter, 41 seconds are left for the subject of Thebes starting now.

PJ: The citizens of ancient Thebes were being eaten by the Sphinx. And it was only when Oedipus guessed the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of Oedipus.

NP: That is right, yes, Iím afraid so.

PJ: But that was the time before I mentioned Oedipus.

NP: Ah but you mustnít mention it twice. Somebody else can mention it but you mustnít...

PJ: I know, but they wouldnít have known, listeners switching on in the middle, they wouldnít know what I was talking about!

NP: What about the few who have switched off after your first effort?

PJ: Ah Iím afraid I canít account for them!

NP: No, no, but I have to try and listen, and you said that before. And Clement picked it up. There are 32 seconds on Thebes, Clement, starting now.

CF: Thebes was where Luxaw is now, which is down the Nile and along a bit...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Actually itís up the Nile!

NP: Do you go up the Nile or down the Nile?

CF: Well itís between Laswan and Cairo, and therefore as I hadnít nominated where I was looking from...

NP: No, no, itís one of those things, whatís up, whatís...

PJ: Yes, but from the Paris, Regent Street, itís up the Nile!

NP: He still hasnít nominated it, I think itís one of those things that we havenít established anything, so we wonít charge any points, for or against....

CF: Oh come on!

NP: No, no, no, no...

CF: Then I wonít go on talking!

NP: You keep the sub...

CF: No, he can have the subject if Iím not going to get a point!

NP: You keep the subject...

CF: Very good challenge! Wasnít it? Very good challenge!

KW: Hear hear!

NP: No, no...

CF: Kenneth will take the subject!

NP: You have um, are you giving it to Kenneth or not? All right, there are 26 seconds for you Kenneth on Thebes starting now.

KW: Of course it was the home, was it not, of Tutankhamuen, and he came over here for the British exhibition. I believe it was at the Museum...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Tutankhamuen never came over here!

NP: No, he never came over here!

KW: Who came over here then?

DN: His mummy!

KW: What?

NP: His mummy!

KW: Well isnít that him?

NP: Not his mummy or his daddy, his mummy...

KW: You canít have his mummy if he ainít in it, can you!

NP: No, no, no, the way you were speaking we thought he had come over. I thought it was a very good challenge of Peterís. Peter I agree with your challenge, you have 15 seconds on Thebes starting now.

PJ: Get your gondola and take a trip up the Nile...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well I mean deviation, there is simply no gondolas on the Nile. That is an established fact. Steam boats there may be, there may be a few dows, quite a few dows in fact, Iíve seen more dows than youíve had hot dinners!

BUZZ

PJ: Repetition of dow!

NP: No he was suggesting you take your gondola and he was going to go up or down the Nile to see Thebes. There are 12 and a half seconds on Thebes with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Well you can swim up the Nile as far as Iím concerned, but at any rate, go there...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of Nile.

NP: Yes. Heís been up the Nile too often. Eight seconds are left on Thebes with you Derek starting now.

DN: And so when Jocasta learnt that in fact she was the mother of her husband, she killed herself and the King of Thebes...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud all got points in that round. Peter and Clement are equal in the lead, one point ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth Williams is trailing a little. Clement would you begin the next round, the subject is the most exacting dish to cook. Can you tell us something from your culinary experience about that starting now.

CF: I suppose one of the most exacting dishes to cook would be a shepherds pie using real live man who looks after sheep. Inspired by this, I tried the other day to order cabinet pudding in the House of Commons Restaurant, but unfortunately found it contained absolutely none of the people for whom I donít much care. The Nell of Souls Nortwa is a pretty exacting dish to cook because you need the raw fish and the hair sieve and a stone or pallet or utensil of some kind with which you press the one through the other. You do it over ice and add the whites of eggs and double cream, and then poach the resultant mass in a liquer containing white wine, onions, chalotte, thyme, Baileys, margarine... oh come on, blow that whistle!

BUZZ

NP: Iím sorry, oh come on, and Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes and deviation! Oh come on! And you only had two more seconds...

CF: It was so boring! Really!

NP: I was fascinated! I wanted to rush home and do it! Cook the meals you see! Half a second to go on the most exacting dish to cook Peter with you starting now.

PJ: When I...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud challenged with quarter of a second to go.

CF: Hesitation I thought.

NP: No I donít think it was quite hesitation, no, no, so you still have quarter of a second Peter to try and tell us about the most exacting dish to cook starting now.

PJ: Yes well cooking the books is probably...

WHISTLE

NP: So with a little help from Clement Freud there Peter Jones increased his lead at the end of that round. Kenneth weíre back with you and would you tell us something about Salome the dancer starting now.

KW: She was the daughter of Horodias. And at her motherís instigation, she did the dance of the Seven Veils. each one was supposed to represent a day of the week. On Monday of course it was early closing, so she never got it really finished in time. She is not a lady who enjoys much prestige in the world. People rather tend to look down on her. She was a disgusting creature when you really come right down to it! I thought I said down twice but nobodyís going to challenge...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he said down three times!

NP: Yes! Kenneth you want to keep going, they sometimes donít notice it. Derek, you have the subject of Salome the dancer and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

DN: A divine creature, immortalised by Oscar Wilde. Having completed her dance she then, at her motherís instigation, was given a choice of a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Itís repetition, Iíve already said it, at her motherís instigation. Those were my exact words. Heís repeated my phrase, taken the words out of my mouth. He doesnít know where theyíve been!

NP: But heís allowed to repeat the words that you say, but he mustnít repeat any words that he says.

KW: Oh youíre making these rules as you go along! Now heís not allowed to do something else!

NP: Theyíve been the rules ever since the show first started. And youíve been in it since it first started! And you donít look a day older either! Derek, a wrong challenge, so you keep the subject, there are 23 seconds on Salome the dancer starting now.

DN: Salome the dancer worked on the pier at Clapton on sea. It was a lovely Vaudeville act, it was brought over from Belgium specially for the summer season of 64. She also waggled her great enormous belly and I used to sit there on a deckchair and cheer with all the other people every time lovely Salome came on and showed her great big eyes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo kept going with great penuche on Salome and got the point for speaking as the whistle went. Heís now one point behind our leader whoís still Peter Jones. Clement Freudís a little behind him and Kenneth is still trailing a lot. Derek, itís your turn to begin, the subject is Fiji. Will you tell us something about Fiji in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Quite my favourite of all the South Pacific islands. A land filled with waving palms and rocky craggy mountains. And of course the Fijian people themselves. Most of the population are Indians, but half of them are of native Fiji stock. And when I was last there...

LOUD SNEEZE IN THE AUDIENCE

DN: Oh! Bless you!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

DN: What was your challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: What was your deviation?

CF: Well if most of them were one thing, half of them canít be the other.

NP: Very good challenge, yes. And that Fijian who erupted in the audience at that moment! And Clement you have a correct challenge, there are 42 seconds on Fiji starting now.

CF: One of the slightly off-putting things about Fiji is that itís very near the International Dateline. And when you go there youíre never quite sure whether itís Tuesday or Wednesday, or theyíve got it wrong and it was Friday afternoon. When the Fijians came over here to play rugby football, many of this found it to be one of the most entertaining, attacking rugby sides weíd ever come across...

BUZZ

NP: Um...

CF: Rugby football has a hyphen, rugby is written on itís own.

PJ: No, itís not a hyphen!

CF: Yes!

DN: Rugby football has not got a hyphen!

NP: No, rugby football has not got a hyphen!

CF: Rugby-football!

DN: Trying to justify yourself Freud! Made a job of it!

NP: They donít bother with the chairman, they just play the game between themselves! Theyíre shouting across the floor at each other! Derek, I donít have to ask you because I know what the challenge was and you have 19 seconds on Fiji starting now.

DN: When I landed at Nadi a couple of weeks ago, I was given the most wonderful lei. It was a most beautiful colour, put round my neck by this girl who was wearing only a grass skirt. And I thought what a beautiful place to come to...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Thatís the second beautiful.

NP: Yes it was indeed, there are four seconds for Fiji with you Clement starting now.

CF: Particularly their openside wing forward who worked the ball...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, heís moving forward, heís only one point behind Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones who are now equal in the lead. Peter would you begin the next round, the subject is woodworm. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Actually I know quite a lot about woodworm. Theyíre terrible things if they get into the furniture. And particularly if youíve got a wooden leg, it can... oh I suppose I shouldnít really say that because it could give offence. But anyway er if people are...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I know, he, he, he troubled himself more than the people who might have been troubled by that Peter. There are 47 seconds left for woodworm with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: It is easy to recognose the work of these termites because there are tiny holes left by their entry and exit, so to speak, out of the timber. If the work is of an antique nature, you would be best employed to get an expert in, and have him give you his opinion as to the best kind of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of best.

NP: Yes you said best, er best advised and the best erm whatever it was! Twenty-four seconds are left for you, woodworm Clement, starting now.

CF: The woodworm really is one of the most exacting dishes to cook. You get the thing and you out it through a sieve, with a stone or pessel and then boil it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I would think you wouldnít need to put it through a sieve, itíd drop through a sieve!

NP: I suppose you could still put them through the sieve even though they would drop through a sieve. Maybe that the way Clement Freud cooks. If he cooks woodworm thereís no telling what he might do! He wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject...

PJ: He was rambling! It was absolute rubbish!

NP: Of course it was! As much rubbish as some of you others talk on occasion! But Clement, no, you have 13 seconds on woodworm starting now.

CF: I remember a question in the National Geographical magazine of the United States of America, in which a reader had written in to ask "is it true that woodworms land backwards?" To which the answer was...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement shall we never know the answer?

CF: Shall I tell you...

NP: Yes.

CF: ...because it really is quite nice. The questioner had said "is it true that woodworms jump backwards?" And the answer was "a woodworm is a small, black, hard backed, conically shaped insect which in projection lands facing the direction of take-off".

NP: Well it was hardly worth it, was it?

CF: And underneath somebody had written "yes is the word you are searching for".

NP: Clement youíve increased your lead at the end of the round, by getting that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And itís your turn to begin and the subject is checks. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Czechs can be people who come from Czechoslovakia. Or alternatively theyíre bits of paper on which you order the bank to pay the recipient such sum of money as youíve decided to enscribe on the place provided, always remembering to put the date on the top right-hand corner, and your signature wherever the particular organisation that keeps your money instructs you to place that. The normal...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, there are 32 seconds for checks with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Checks are also a type of design, often used in textiles, and probably done better in Scotland than anywhere else, where they make the material into kilts, which they wear with great aplomb. Now if you make a square like a piece of crossword puzzle and you put ink...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No, it wasnít enough for hesitation. Peter you keep the subject and there are 13 seconds on checks starting now.

PJ: Well these people who come from Czechoslovakia are more interesting in a way, partly because the name of the country occupies about two seconds of the time that Iím devoting to this subject! And then...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones kept going until the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so and heís gone one ahead of Clement Freud now in the lead. Heís three ahead of Derek Nimmo and quite a few ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth... oh thereís great sympathy for you in the audience, Kenneth! And would you begin the next round, the subject woodwind. Will you tell us something on that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Wind can of course occur anywhere. But a musician will say that in the wood it can produce the finest sounds that are known to the human ear. Now the oboe is particularly pleasant. What would be more delightful than to hear are these pieces of Mozart played on that lovely instrument. It has a sort of mellifluous quality which floats oíer your ear like the sweet south breezes as the poet has it, upon a bank of violets. And indeed woodwind has been traditionally associated with the lyrical and the rejoicing nature of sound. And that is something...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of sound.

NP: Yes there was a lot of sound and...

KW: There generally is with woodwind. Thatís the whole point of it!

NP: And with Kenneth Williams! But you kept going for 49 seconds. Bad luck, Kenneth...

KW: Oh itís all his trick! He only comes in at the end! Thatís all he does! He comes in at the end to score! Thatís all heís interested in! I just play the game! Iím not interested in scoring.

NP: No he was fairly generous Kenneth, he let the word ear go by, before.

KW: Oh? ĎEar, Ďear!

NP: There are 11 seconds on woodwind Peter starting now.

PJ: Well you can make a woodwind instrument out of practically anything as long as...

BUZZ

PJ: ... itís wood...

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I speak rather too soon.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did. So Peter Jones has another point and there are six seconds on woodwind starting now.

PJ: Even puffing air into a barrel providing you have a number of holes on the other side and you can...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones has increased his lead at the end of that round. And Derek Nimmoís going to begin the next round and the subject is jogging. Something weíve heard a lot about it recently but would you talk about it Derek in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I am terribly enthusiastic about jogging. I get up every morning round about a quarter to 6, scrub myself down, sluice myself round, and then put on my track suit and my plimsolls and out I go into the road to start jogging. Along the pathways and roads and streets of Kensington I jog. There I meet chums coming towards me in similar attire, breathing heavily against the frosty air. And as I jog away...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I beg your pardon, I challenged quite wrongly, I was in error.

NP: Iím sorry?

KW: Iím in error.

NP: Oh you were in error? What a funny thing to say! The idea by the way of Derek getting up and sluicing himself before he goes out for a jog. Most people go for a jog and then come back and sluice themselves.

DN: Itís got nothing to do with you how I go about my jogging!

NP: I donít believe a word of it!

KW: Why donít you mind your own business! Let him jog how he likes!

NP: Thirty-four seconds are left Derek on jogging starting now.

DN: I often find myself jogging my own memory with little tiny tricks that I play to myself. And I do find it very fascinating that when I go...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of myself.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so. There are 25 seconds left for jogging, itís with you now Peter starting now.

PJ: Well it can be terribly dangerous and I donít advise anybody to indulge in it. I think itís much wiser to stay in bed and have a drink if you feel at all unwell, a drop of Scotch, perhaps, ah...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was just a hesitation there....

CF: Well there was a hesitation!

NP: Well you have to decide whether it was a long enough pause for a hesitation, Iíve decided it was on this occasion. Clement you have 11 seconds to take over the subject of jogging starting now.

CF: I donít actually jog. I get all my exercise visiting friends of mine who indulge in jogging and are now in hospital! They tend to be wards on the third and fourth floors...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got the point for speaking as the whistle went. He has moved a little further towards Peter Jones, but hasnít caught him up. And Iíve just realised that weíre coming to the end of our time so let me now give you the final score. Kenneth Williams though he contributed tremendously to the show didnít get very many points...

CF: Ohhhh!

NP: And he finished in fourth place!

CF: Ohhhhhh!

NP: Derek Nimmo who contributed his usual good value to our contest and he finished up with a lot of points. He was three behind Clement Freud and he was three behind this weekís winner who was Peter Jones! We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when once more we take to the air and we play this delightful game. Till then from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.